People don't know what it means to grow up poor. Some people think they get it, but a lot of them don't. I was talking to a friend of mine who had a similar situation growing up like me. Going to college was a huge sturggle because our parents were cheapskates. They didn't want to contribute to our education. I used to think I wasn't upset with them about it, but I am and I hold a lot of resentment because of it.
I paid for my own schooling via federal help, my own goddamn money and anything else I could pull off. My parents didn't lift a fucking finger to help. They gave me a hand me down car that got 9 miles to the gallon and they gave me shelter which they were obligated to give me anyhow.
I paid for all of my schooling, books, gas, car repairs, maintenance, insurance, cell phone bill and anything else I bought. I have been doing that since college. It was difficuilt and I don't recommend it to anyone if it can be avoided.
The point is a lot of people have got it easy not having to pay down 30K of student debt. I know that isn't a lot, I started at 40K and I worked it down by paying it off dilligently. I will pay it all off in the next 2 years, that is my goal. I just get flustered when I think about how people told me not to take out any student loans at all, how disconnected they were, how they didn't understand that I didn't have a goddamn choice to take out loans every semester.
I am grateful to my government for giving me the opportunity to take out the loans and to help me consolidate them when I needed to most. Sallie Mae is a fucking faliure iin that regard. I needed to consolidate and they refused to do that for me, bunch of fucking bastards. Their shit reasoning was that they were not consolidating anyone's loans due to the banking crisis of 2008. I was paying about 400 dollars a month in to those assholes because they wouldn't consolidate me. Mother fuckers.
The government helped me again by buying my loans from those assholes and consolidating it for me. Direct Loans for the Win and AES for the win for private loans. I got very lucky in that situation.
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Thursday, April 26, 2012
Micro Management
I am at another point where I feel pretty lost and annoyed with just about everything. I am okay with my job, but my coworker/friend is my blockade in terms of advancement. He is too controlling in the sense that he wants me to do things his way all of the time.
What I mean by this is that he has this bad habit of feeding me information very slowly which isn't helpful to me. Instead of telling me what he wants, he wants me to figure it out. I don't work like that. So I am trying to find a nice way to tell him to stop fucking with me and just tell me what the fuck he wants.
Still haven't figured it out yet.
He also has a very bad habit of not telling me something then promising this something to my boss without my consent. He doesn't keep things simple, he goes out of his way to use very fancy language to describe things which confuses people ultimately. It is something that bothers me.
What I mean by this is that he has this bad habit of feeding me information very slowly which isn't helpful to me. Instead of telling me what he wants, he wants me to figure it out. I don't work like that. So I am trying to find a nice way to tell him to stop fucking with me and just tell me what the fuck he wants.
Still haven't figured it out yet.
He also has a very bad habit of not telling me something then promising this something to my boss without my consent. He doesn't keep things simple, he goes out of his way to use very fancy language to describe things which confuses people ultimately. It is something that bothers me.
more blather and bad news
First the bad news...
So I went to my primary care physician and low and behold my chemistries aka blood work were sparkling clean. Fantastic I was thinking. However then we looked at my occult blood in feces test or poop test for short and it came back positive. This is a bad thing. I tested positive for blood in my poop. You can't see the blood because it is microscopic, but it is there.
So lucky me I have to go to a Gastrointerologist (GI). The GI will make me, as Robin Williams so gracefully put it, my own discovery channel special as they shove a scope up my ass. Not looking forward to this. So here is the outcome, either I have colon cancer, pollups or everything is fine and my butt just bleeds externally.
Now onto the blather...
I wish I wouldn't get pummeled with bills, but I do and it sucks. I really could have gone without paying a surprise 400 dollars for orthotic inserts because my piece of shit insurance Aetna POS won't cover it unless I am diabetic. Fuck you Aetna. I bought a server I shouldn't have bought right now but the price was excellent. I have to pay my geico bill next month which will be 500 bucks essentially. Then there are the goddamn doctor visits that fuck you every time you go. Co Pay here Co Pay there. This month alone I paid 90 bucks in co pay. Soon it is going to be another 100 because I need to see a GI and a Cardiologist.
Fuck!
So I went to my primary care physician and low and behold my chemistries aka blood work were sparkling clean. Fantastic I was thinking. However then we looked at my occult blood in feces test or poop test for short and it came back positive. This is a bad thing. I tested positive for blood in my poop. You can't see the blood because it is microscopic, but it is there.
So lucky me I have to go to a Gastrointerologist (GI). The GI will make me, as Robin Williams so gracefully put it, my own discovery channel special as they shove a scope up my ass. Not looking forward to this. So here is the outcome, either I have colon cancer, pollups or everything is fine and my butt just bleeds externally.
Now onto the blather...
I wish I wouldn't get pummeled with bills, but I do and it sucks. I really could have gone without paying a surprise 400 dollars for orthotic inserts because my piece of shit insurance Aetna POS won't cover it unless I am diabetic. Fuck you Aetna. I bought a server I shouldn't have bought right now but the price was excellent. I have to pay my geico bill next month which will be 500 bucks essentially. Then there are the goddamn doctor visits that fuck you every time you go. Co Pay here Co Pay there. This month alone I paid 90 bucks in co pay. Soon it is going to be another 100 because I need to see a GI and a Cardiologist.
Fuck!
Monday, April 23, 2012
MS150
The MS150 day 1 was canceled due to horrendous weather.
Day 2 was half successful - half the course was shut down because A. the riders never made it to the keys and B. the course in the keys was quite flooded.
It was still fun.
That being said I just want to point out how fucked up MS and ALS are. If you are male and diagnosed with MS it is more aggressive. If you are female it is less aggressive. Either way it sucks. I have a friend who has MS and she is doing fine, she never had a relapse since she was diagnosed which is great.
ALS is a death sentence... if you have ALS I feel sorry for you. No matter your age or gender, you will die earlier than you should have.
For those of you out there who still think that god's human design is flawless then go read up on MS and ALS. The human body, I will say once again is stupid. These diseases are genetic unfortunately, it doesn't mean you will get it indubitably, they are triggered by a virus, who's name escapes me at the moment. But for fuck's sake, how fair is it to get a fucking disease like this?
Just like people who are born with aggressive diabetes type 1. Some people are okay, but there are those cases where people are just fucked. Their body won't repair itself and they die from a scratch... fuck the human body. Poor design! Your god is a bad engineer.
Day 2 was half successful - half the course was shut down because A. the riders never made it to the keys and B. the course in the keys was quite flooded.
It was still fun.
That being said I just want to point out how fucked up MS and ALS are. If you are male and diagnosed with MS it is more aggressive. If you are female it is less aggressive. Either way it sucks. I have a friend who has MS and she is doing fine, she never had a relapse since she was diagnosed which is great.
ALS is a death sentence... if you have ALS I feel sorry for you. No matter your age or gender, you will die earlier than you should have.
For those of you out there who still think that god's human design is flawless then go read up on MS and ALS. The human body, I will say once again is stupid. These diseases are genetic unfortunately, it doesn't mean you will get it indubitably, they are triggered by a virus, who's name escapes me at the moment. But for fuck's sake, how fair is it to get a fucking disease like this?
Just like people who are born with aggressive diabetes type 1. Some people are okay, but there are those cases where people are just fucked. Their body won't repair itself and they die from a scratch... fuck the human body. Poor design! Your god is a bad engineer.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Miami Beach: Full of Assholes on Bikes
I wrote a post describing my distaste for sharing the road with Bicyclist, this hasn't changed at all. Fucking asshole bikers can kiss my ass.
Yesterday I hit someone with my car as I was leaving to go home, the mother fucker started yelling at me, "Hey you need to watch where you are going." I was so upset I didn't say anything because I was in a rush to go home and didn't have time to sit there and argue with an imbecile. Here is my defense:
Little known fact, BICYCLES ARE CONSIDERED MOTOR VEHICLES, so he was breaking the fucking law by darting out into traffic. Stupid fuck.
So once again, FUCK MIAMI BEACH AND ALL OF THE FAGGY BICYCLE AND MOPED RIDERS.
Yesterday I hit someone with my car as I was leaving to go home, the mother fucker started yelling at me, "Hey you need to watch where you are going." I was so upset I didn't say anything because I was in a rush to go home and didn't have time to sit there and argue with an imbecile. Here is my defense:
- He wasn't there when I pulled up
- I turned my head to the left to make sure the road was clear
- I proceeded to turn right
- Some asshole on a bike, on his cell phone magically appears in front of my fucking car
- He gets out of my way cussing at me and I sped off because I didn't have time for his nonsense
Little known fact, BICYCLES ARE CONSIDERED MOTOR VEHICLES, so he was breaking the fucking law by darting out into traffic. Stupid fuck.
So once again, FUCK MIAMI BEACH AND ALL OF THE FAGGY BICYCLE AND MOPED RIDERS.
Black Male Stereotyped Career Choice
I am glad it isn't as prevalant as it used to be, but it bothers me immensely that a lot of specifically black male children are pushed to become athaletes. A lot of them want to be and go pro, which is normal because I can understand wanting to be rich. Hell I want to be rich. It makes me sad though to see so many kids think that their only option is to become a professional athalete.
It is societies fault that things are like this of course, due to racism and segregation. Certain organizations teach black kids not to use credit cards and only use debit cards. Then they are pushed to get athletic scholarships. Am I the only person that thinks there is something wrong with this? It is almost like telling someone, "Hey, you are never going to do any better than this." I almost feel as if the same black mentors that are trying to protect black youth are holding them back and over protecting them in a sense. It is hurtful though. They are protecting them from the "man".
I hate the "man" too, but the "man" is no longer simply a white male, it is more defined than just that now. It is a bueaurocrat or politician. Old white men just happen to be one of the flavors, but you have those dick heads like the black guy on the supreme court to worry about too, Justice Thomas who is what a lot of people would call an Oreo Cookie or an Uncle Tom. This really has nothing to do with race and everything to do with demeanor and/or arrogance.
People need to wake up and stop telling others that a black person who speaks with ellegance or who sounds educated cannot be described as sounding white... It's not fair. How can you equate the sound of someone's voice with a race exactly? Plus is it wrong for someone to not sound like a ghetto thug or delinquent? I have seen a lot of wiggers in my day, but what people don't say is that people are a product of their environment. So if someone grows up in a ghetto environment they will sound ghetto. If a person grows up in an environment where their parents and peers speak with a clearer voice and less slang they will sound like that too... the point is the way you sound means nothing, but psychologically it will give people a predetermination whether that is right or wrong. Just like the length of your hair or the clothes you wear.
It is societies fault that things are like this of course, due to racism and segregation. Certain organizations teach black kids not to use credit cards and only use debit cards. Then they are pushed to get athletic scholarships. Am I the only person that thinks there is something wrong with this? It is almost like telling someone, "Hey, you are never going to do any better than this." I almost feel as if the same black mentors that are trying to protect black youth are holding them back and over protecting them in a sense. It is hurtful though. They are protecting them from the "man".
I hate the "man" too, but the "man" is no longer simply a white male, it is more defined than just that now. It is a bueaurocrat or politician. Old white men just happen to be one of the flavors, but you have those dick heads like the black guy on the supreme court to worry about too, Justice Thomas who is what a lot of people would call an Oreo Cookie or an Uncle Tom. This really has nothing to do with race and everything to do with demeanor and/or arrogance.
People need to wake up and stop telling others that a black person who speaks with ellegance or who sounds educated cannot be described as sounding white... It's not fair. How can you equate the sound of someone's voice with a race exactly? Plus is it wrong for someone to not sound like a ghetto thug or delinquent? I have seen a lot of wiggers in my day, but what people don't say is that people are a product of their environment. So if someone grows up in a ghetto environment they will sound ghetto. If a person grows up in an environment where their parents and peers speak with a clearer voice and less slang they will sound like that too... the point is the way you sound means nothing, but psychologically it will give people a predetermination whether that is right or wrong. Just like the length of your hair or the clothes you wear.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Spent
I have been spending too much money in the last few months, it is almost shameful how much I have spent. However it is all for stuff I have been putting off and it will help my bottom line I am hoping. I finally got my war machine up and running. Beautiful desktop pc with excellent parts.
Unexpectedly I built a new server because there was a shellshocker deal on newegg I could not pass up.
I spent somewhere in the neighborhood of 2.3K total in computer parts and software. Holy hell I have never spent this much all in one shot.
Coming up I have a 8K bill for my upcomming wedding. Jesus fing christ. Some of which will be reimbursed to me by my wife.
The point is I need to cool it with the spending, but I don't know how to when everything I am doing and getting right now is absolutely necessary. For example I spent 450 dollars this morning at a podiatrist office because insurance will only cover you if you are diabetic. 400 dollars for inserts and 50 bucks for the appointment. 200 dollars for additional pairs. Fuck me.
So I am trying to cool it, but right now I have doctor appointments I need to go to that I have been putting off for about 2 years now or more.
I have to pay my 500 dollar car insurance bill next month, this is going to go swimmingly well...
Meh, I will figure it all out.
This is why I am going to start playing the lottery, hopefully I win. I know there is no strategy for playing, but I generated some numbers I am happy with by doing the following:
Get 2 months of lottery data. Get the mode of each column. Blam there are your randomly picked numbers. I was very happy with the numbers so I am going to try it out. The stupid part is the numbers generated were of each series 1, 1x, 2y, 3z, 4a, 5b. I actually didn't pick them like that, they just appeared that way in order to!
So fuck it, 52 dollars for 6 months of advanced play is super worth it. I am game!
Unexpectedly I built a new server because there was a shellshocker deal on newegg I could not pass up.
I spent somewhere in the neighborhood of 2.3K total in computer parts and software. Holy hell I have never spent this much all in one shot.
Coming up I have a 8K bill for my upcomming wedding. Jesus fing christ. Some of which will be reimbursed to me by my wife.
The point is I need to cool it with the spending, but I don't know how to when everything I am doing and getting right now is absolutely necessary. For example I spent 450 dollars this morning at a podiatrist office because insurance will only cover you if you are diabetic. 400 dollars for inserts and 50 bucks for the appointment. 200 dollars for additional pairs. Fuck me.
So I am trying to cool it, but right now I have doctor appointments I need to go to that I have been putting off for about 2 years now or more.
I have to pay my 500 dollar car insurance bill next month, this is going to go swimmingly well...
Meh, I will figure it all out.
This is why I am going to start playing the lottery, hopefully I win. I know there is no strategy for playing, but I generated some numbers I am happy with by doing the following:
Get 2 months of lottery data. Get the mode of each column. Blam there are your randomly picked numbers. I was very happy with the numbers so I am going to try it out. The stupid part is the numbers generated were of each series 1, 1x, 2y, 3z, 4a, 5b. I actually didn't pick them like that, they just appeared that way in order to!
So fuck it, 52 dollars for 6 months of advanced play is super worth it. I am game!
Clarity
I finally found a path of clarity for myself. I know what I am going to do and how I am going to do it. In general terms this is what I am going to do:
1. I am going to work on a simple site, it will be easy to put together and it will be mostly fun
2. I have two mobile apps I want to write, both for practice, fun and any smidgen of possibility of income
3. After my apps and the site are published I am going to learn more about a type of social site mining
4. I am going to take that data and see if I can sell it, if so then I have a lead to something I want to do full time all the time or even on the side.
1. I am going to work on a simple site, it will be easy to put together and it will be mostly fun
2. I have two mobile apps I want to write, both for practice, fun and any smidgen of possibility of income
3. After my apps and the site are published I am going to learn more about a type of social site mining
4. I am going to take that data and see if I can sell it, if so then I have a lead to something I want to do full time all the time or even on the side.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Morning Joe Hypocricy
So for whatever reason the fine folks and Joe on the Morning Joe show are completely avoiding Chris Christy's recent fuck up. Which actually feels more like fraud than a "oops" kind of fuck up. The people on the mojo show though loooooove chris christy, cause he is so fat and full of crap like Joe and sometimes Mika (sorry Mika). I hate Chris Christy firstly because he is a Republicans and anyone with a lick of sense and a smidgen of education knows not to trust Republicans. Chris Christy didn't allow a project to build a tunnel for a rail system to go through because he wanted to give money back to his fat corporate friends. Fuck you Chris Christy. Not enough money in the budget huh? You piece of crap. You could have employed a lot of people instead you stuck to your republican guns and fired and layed off a bunch of teachers instead. Great going you bully.
I am mostly disgusted with Morning Joe's lack of COV ERAGE for their dear fat friend's mishap. The. Only Oops here is that people found out. Chris Christy is bad for New Jersy, but when you got people like snooky and the situation over there I guess that is the best elected official they can get. He is no better than a goddamn white republican from North Florida.
I hate Republicans. They are the reason this country is in the shape it is in.
I am mostly disgusted with Morning Joe's lack of COV ERAGE for their dear fat friend's mishap. The. Only Oops here is that people found out. Chris Christy is bad for New Jersy, but when you got people like snooky and the situation over there I guess that is the best elected official they can get. He is no better than a goddamn white republican from North Florida.
I hate Republicans. They are the reason this country is in the shape it is in.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Florida Popo
I have complained about Florida police before, here is some validation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXpMzT5yGp8
The Story:
http://articles.cnn.com/2011-06-07/justice/florida.shooting.witness_1_officers-miami-beach-police-department-police-misconduct?_s=PM:CRIME
Fuck Florida police, they don't give a shit about upholding the law, they are just out to kill people when they get a chance it seems. Especially those dick headed Cuban officers with the huge egos and small dicks. Every officer I have ever had a problem with has been Latin. Fucking machismo asshsoles. If it isn't the goddamn Latin assholes then it is the white racist fucks from Broward county or West Palm.
I hate the popo here.
The Story:
http://articles.cnn.com/2011-06-07/justice/florida.shooting.witness_1_officers-miami-beach-police-department-police-misconduct?_s=PM:CRIME
Fuck Florida police, they don't give a shit about upholding the law, they are just out to kill people when they get a chance it seems. Especially those dick headed Cuban officers with the huge egos and small dicks. Every officer I have ever had a problem with has been Latin. Fucking machismo asshsoles. If it isn't the goddamn Latin assholes then it is the white racist fucks from Broward county or West Palm.
I hate the popo here.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Sharing the Road
I like bike riding, I really do. I have a passion for going as fast as I can and performing tricks on my bike. I enjoy the cool breeze, the rise and fall of the terrain. There is one thing I do not like though, I don't like getting hit by cars. I have successfully never been hit by cars for one reason and one reason alone - I don't share the road with cars.
Fuck bicyclists that want to use up a full lane, especially in miami beach. I get it your bike is your car like it says on the obnoxious sticker on your bike, but guess what - my 2+ ton car can kill you. Get the fuck out of the road and onto the side walk or in a park. I will not make space for you and I will not mind you. Bicyclists, just like motorcyclists need to understand they are the ones in the fucking way.
Fuck you. Get out of my fucking way. Irrisponsible idiots.
Fuck bicyclists that want to use up a full lane, especially in miami beach. I get it your bike is your car like it says on the obnoxious sticker on your bike, but guess what - my 2+ ton car can kill you. Get the fuck out of the road and onto the side walk or in a park. I will not make space for you and I will not mind you. Bicyclists, just like motorcyclists need to understand they are the ones in the fucking way.
Fuck you. Get out of my fucking way. Irrisponsible idiots.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Self Sabbotage
I keep sabbotaging myself on the weekends. I finally have just a smidgen of free time and all I can think about is chilling out. I just want to be a lump on the couch or play video games mainly mine craft. It is pretty bad.
I need to stop all that shit though and I need to regroup my thoughts and ideas. My main goal is money, always has been and always will be no matter what. I need to make it a goddamn point to set small goals for myself on the weekends and accomplish them as quickly as I can.
I am not sure what goal to start with first though. I have plenty of ideas but not enough traction or confidence in a single idea. I am worried that doing anything with hardware is going to be too expensive and may come out fruitless.
If I do software the same problem applies sort of.
If I create a service then I am at the mercy of having customers and keeping any existing ones happy.
I need to stop all that shit though and I need to regroup my thoughts and ideas. My main goal is money, always has been and always will be no matter what. I need to make it a goddamn point to set small goals for myself on the weekends and accomplish them as quickly as I can.
I am not sure what goal to start with first though. I have plenty of ideas but not enough traction or confidence in a single idea. I am worried that doing anything with hardware is going to be too expensive and may come out fruitless.
If I do software the same problem applies sort of.
If I create a service then I am at the mercy of having customers and keeping any existing ones happy.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Genetic Family Fun
My family's health history sucks. I don't have much to look forward to as I get older health wise. I am actually very conscience of it and I am slightly mortified as well. I have been exercising, eating right and doing my goddamn best to keep on top of it all, but I feel like the odds are stacked up against me.
Here is the general break down:
Mother's Side
Diabetes and Cancer
Father's Side
Diabetes, Cancer and Heart Disease
So as so many people like to tell me, I need to keep positive - I ask you - who ever you are - how? How am I supposed to keep positive with a shitty track record like the one above. My family genetics are horrendous, granted pretty much none of the people listed above took care of themselves. My father was the worst - he was so sick because he used to own a carpet cleaning business and the chemicals he used were very potent and dangerous which is why his liver was shot. They got absorbed through the skin and into his blood stream which traveled to his liver naturally.
I don't know if I can kid myself and say that I won't get cancer? No really I am not sure. The diabetes is totally avoidable because that was brought on by poor diet and obesity for all cases stated above. I was pre-diabetic until I turned all that around myself. So I am good now. The heart disease is also a big issue for me because my cholesterol is high no matter what I do. I have normal blood pressure, but I mean WTF something has got to give here.
I need to see a cardiologist.
Here is the general break down:
Mother's Side
Diabetes and Cancer
Father's Side
Diabetes, Cancer and Heart Disease
The Chart of Death
| Side of Family | Relationship To Me | Cause of Death | Notes |
| Mother | Grandmother | Cancer - Uterine then Colon | Diabetes Type 2 and Poor Diet |
| Mother | Grandfather | Cancer - Colon | Drank, Smoked and Poor Diet |
| Mother | Uncle | Cancer - Lung | Drank, Smoked and Poor Diet |
| Father | Grandmother | Cancer - Breast | Died before I was born |
| Father | Grandfather | Cancer - Lung | Died before I was born |
| Father | Father | Heart Disease - Heart Attack then Stroke | Cirrhosis of the Liver, Hepatitis B, Diabetes Type 2, Obesity (200 lbf overweight), High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, Edema, Psoriasis and Poor Diet |
| Father | Aunt | Cancer - Bone | Too young to remember |
| Father | Uncle | Heart Disease - Heart Attack then Stroke | Smoked, Jaundice, High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol and Poor Diet |
| Father | Great Aunt | Cancer - Colon | Never met them |
| Father | Great Uncle | Cancer - Colon | Never met them |
So as so many people like to tell me, I need to keep positive - I ask you - who ever you are - how? How am I supposed to keep positive with a shitty track record like the one above. My family genetics are horrendous, granted pretty much none of the people listed above took care of themselves. My father was the worst - he was so sick because he used to own a carpet cleaning business and the chemicals he used were very potent and dangerous which is why his liver was shot. They got absorbed through the skin and into his blood stream which traveled to his liver naturally.
I don't know if I can kid myself and say that I won't get cancer? No really I am not sure. The diabetes is totally avoidable because that was brought on by poor diet and obesity for all cases stated above. I was pre-diabetic until I turned all that around myself. So I am good now. The heart disease is also a big issue for me because my cholesterol is high no matter what I do. I have normal blood pressure, but I mean WTF something has got to give here.
I need to see a cardiologist.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Thoughts of Suicide and Depression
I got into a small tizzy yesterday with my better half, it actually wasn't that big of a deal. We had a small, very small, argument about our Joint Account. She has been using the Joint account for personal expenses, but she balances it out by putting money back into it. Either way it makes it hard to follow what is going on in the account it just looks like a mess. So I got upset and I told her over IM not to do that anymore and I threw in a WTF with some question marks and exclamation points here and there. I shouldn't have done that, IM is the worst way to have an argument it can be misconstrued as yelling... I wasn't yelling I was asking, but again the tone wasn't set and never will be through IM. So I hurt her feelings and then on top of that she tried calling me and couldn't reach me because my phone took a shit on me exactly when she was calling me, I couldn't pickup. I had to reboot my fucking phone which took about 10 minutes (fuck you T-Mobile and your shitty software on my LG C800). Finally I got her on the phone and we spoke, but I knew she was upset, which instantly made me feel horrible. We talked about it and when she got home (I got home before her) we talked about it a little more and she was tearing up and I just felt like such a bad person. No one yelled at each other, we didn't even say much to each other. We explained how we felt then we exchanged apologies, kissed and hugged.
Long story short I feel like an asshole now and the whole event sparked my depression again. I can definitely say that I have been living in fear of becoming depressed again. It is finally here like I knew it would be, it was only a matter of time like always. Just like I live in fear of embarrassment. The reason I am anxious or in fear of these events is that they stay with me and get stuck in my memory and they never leave. They are haunting memories of my past that are mostly unresolved because I can't resolve it with that person or correct what happened anymore. It is impossible. I can't let go of it - I don't know how to - my fucking brain won't let me.
I am probably being a little over-dramatic right now, but this was a little tizzy. If we ever got into a full on battle I am not sure how I would end up. If she ever left me, I would more than likely have to kill myself. She is the only person that makes me feel better, I think of her and I feel warm and I love her. If one day I could no longer see her for whatever reason, I would fall into such a deep depression I would need to be locked up because I know for a fact that I would endanger my life easily.
It is thoughts like this that make me realize I need some professional help. I'm working on it.
Sorry for sounding like an emo bitch.
Long story short I feel like an asshole now and the whole event sparked my depression again. I can definitely say that I have been living in fear of becoming depressed again. It is finally here like I knew it would be, it was only a matter of time like always. Just like I live in fear of embarrassment. The reason I am anxious or in fear of these events is that they stay with me and get stuck in my memory and they never leave. They are haunting memories of my past that are mostly unresolved because I can't resolve it with that person or correct what happened anymore. It is impossible. I can't let go of it - I don't know how to - my fucking brain won't let me.
I am probably being a little over-dramatic right now, but this was a little tizzy. If we ever got into a full on battle I am not sure how I would end up. If she ever left me, I would more than likely have to kill myself. She is the only person that makes me feel better, I think of her and I feel warm and I love her. If one day I could no longer see her for whatever reason, I would fall into such a deep depression I would need to be locked up because I know for a fact that I would endanger my life easily.
It is thoughts like this that make me realize I need some professional help. I'm working on it.
Sorry for sounding like an emo bitch.