Status Blow

I am rather depressed about several problems/things. I don't really like my job, it is beyond boring and wanting to get any work done is very difficult when I never know what my next project is going to be because my boss doesn't believe in planning. He just kind of pulls things out of his ass. There is plenty of maintenance and refactoring work to be done - but getting him to understand or even permit that kind of work is like pulling teeth. Essentially this job sucks and I am not sure if I should stick with it because this is a rough spot or if I should just move on soon... Either way now isn't a good time for this.

I was recently hit with some bad news from my wife that her entire company has received a 20% pay cut. They did that instead of laying people off. That's nice right? Well I've seen this shit happen before, they are just going to lay people off anyhow. That is what always happens. That puts pressure on me now because if I get fired or laid off then we are in double deep shit. She suspects she might get laid off, but we don't know that yet.

I am depressed about the amount of money I keep losing due to one time massive expenditures. Weddings are expensive, mine cost about 35K roughly and I paid about 60% of it which was not easy for me to do. I still have enough in the bank, but I need to find a place to live right now, which I am working through at the moment. It is a long and painfully slow process which sucks. Buying a home is going to cost me anywhere between 10K and 15K, I am not looking forward to this especially since I am not going to get much help paying for anything. My wife owes me about 3.5K from the wedding because she wasn't able to cover all of her portion. Now there is the house which I don't think I am going to get any significant help with.

I want to pay off my student debt. I mean that is really what I want to do badly right now. I have about 29K roughly to pay off. I want to throw 5K at it to pay off one of the 3 loans that I have. Then I will whittle down the second loan, then take the money I am saving from paying off the first two and use it against the last one.

Finally I would like to save and invest as much money as possible for my/our retirement.

I just hate how long it takes to accumulate the funds and how easily they just disappear.

So yeah... all of that is depressing me, it doesn't help that I don't want to be at work on top of all of this. I hate it when I am in this funk, I need some relief from feeling like this, but I don't know what to do when I feel like this. I think part of the problem is I am impatient and I become anxious when I cannot do something I know I need to do immediately. I just like getting things done and off of my back as soon as possible so I don't have to worry about what to do.

The other thing that has got me down is not knowing what to do with my free time. I know that sounds really stupid, but when I am depressed I have no will or desire to do ANYTHING. It is a very awful feeling, so it makes me more anxious knowing that I will have an entire weekend and I won't get anything done because I am feeling very depressed and not having any desires. This weekend looks like it will consist of gaming the entire time. I just hate the inevitable doom of my mundane job after the weekend is over, it isn't a lot to look forward to. It is like taking a deep breath, then holding your head under the water for a long time, only to keep doing it repeatedly.

Well... I got to get back to "work" so I will continue to lament again later...

Random Thought

I've complained about this before, but I don't mind doing it again. Policemen in Miami are total dicks for the most part, I've met one or two that are tolerable. I have a friend who is a cop, but even he doesn't like cops and he is one. He says it all the time, "God I hate cops, fucking filthy pig fucks". He does it for the money, nothing more. People who work important jobs just for the money, that's another topic for another time. In his defense though he does a good job.

Anyhow, I think the cops in Miami are uncaring and cruel for a few reasons, let's go over the most obvious first. If they are cuban cocks, then by default they are usually assholes. Since cops have to deal with the oh so colorful and animated people of Miami, then of course they will be in an automatic bad mood and have low expectations of anyone. We can blame 60% of the mood of these cops on where those cops chose to be cops. The other 40% is on the cops because they can choose to be polite, but most of them aren't, they are just jerks.

I used to have a bad habit of asking a question to cops that they either didn't mind answering or took total offense, as if I had just asked them to suck my dick. I would ask cops, "What kind of gun do you have?" Some would have a delightful conversation with me about guns and others would just give me the death stare.

This one female officer was absoluteley disrespectful. She went off on a rant about how my asking her about her gun is like her asking me to see my dick. Then she proceeded to follow it up with, "Can I see your penis?" I was just silent for the duration of this encounter and decided from that point forward to not bother unless there was a clear way for me to ask without having to show my privates first.

So yeah... cops in Florida, specifically on the beach, including but not limited to: South Beach, Bal Harbor, Golden Beach and Aventura - they are all pretty much 100% walking hardons. To serve and protect my ass.

Irrisponsible Drivers

This is a simple concept, what the hell is so important on your fucking phone, that you have to be reading or texting something to someone while driving? You should pull over and stop driving if it is so important.

Furthermore, those of you who still live in the stone age of cellphones, those of you who still prop the goddamn phone on your shoulder to your ear while driving, or those of you who have the phone to your ear in any manor, you people need to go buy yourselves a hands free device. I don't care which device, but go get one. The fact that you want to hold your phone still boggles my mind. For about 20 bucks you can find a decent headset on newegg or amazon.

Now I don't give two shits if you crash and die by yourself, but I do care about how it will affect everyone else. You might kill someone or several people in the act. You might kill your passenger(s).

This warning is right up there with the stupid bitches who put on their make up while driving, especially on the highway. You fucking crazy assholes, keep your eyes on the goddamn road.

It's real simple, pay attention to your driving job and ignore everything else. You can do what ever menial bullshit thing you want to do after you get off the goddamn road. Driving is dangerous enough when people are paying attention, it is worse when people are not paying attention.

I hate people...

Ho hum

As of late I have been in a perpetual state of uncertainty. I am glad I have gotten one of three major events off my back. The wedding stuff is done and paid for entireley. In my opinion, it was a lot of fun, but a total waste of money. I'm still happy we did it, because it made me very happy to see everyone, but I am still acknowledging that the same funds could have gone towards a down payment on a home, student loans or a great investment opportunity.

Right now I am working on a project with a friend of mine, we aren't moving quickly, which is fine, but I lost my footing again and I am not sure how to move forward.

In other news, I need to move soon, I want a permanent residence and I want to get it done soon. The sooner the better. I want to move, settle and start paying down student debt immediately.

Sigh...

I feel very discombobulated at the moment.

My Friends

I've decided to give up on my quick rush to success - it's simply impossible to do unless I alienate everyone from my life always and forever. I calculated how much time I have to actually spend working and enjoying myself per year and it sucks. In general people work 5 days out of the week, which is 260 days per year in a 52 week year. The other 2 you get stuck doing chores, projects, resting and having fun which is 104 days per year in a 52 week year. So we can boil this down to (52 * 7 = 364 days) 71.43% of your time being at work and the remaining 28.57% actually living your life - doing what you want to do. I have broken this down into hours, but I won't post those calculations at this time. You spend 8 hours on average sleeping, so think about how much smaller that 28.57% just got when you split it into time being awake versus time being asleep.

Anyhow... all of this had made me realize life is too short when you are broke and trying to stretch yourself thin is stupid. I am going to work on my side projects at my leisure and just do my best to save for my retirement. This is what I am thinking right now, but of course I can always change my mind.

I love my friends, I have developed a good bond with a good group of people - all of us get a long quite well and I don't think I could ask for better friends. Just a bunch of good, intelligent, well established people. I hope this remains this way. I realized in order to combat my depression, I need to have fun every now again, otherwise I just become bitter about everything. I was letting everything get me down because I never had a chance to get any work done. Well, fuck it, I will get work done when the opportunity presents itself.

Now that my wedding is over, I can focus on getting a home again and paying off my stupid student loans. Oh how I detest them.

Meh

So apparently my boss has taken a liking to me, he just has a really strange way of showing it. This is the same boss that flambeed me in front of the whole office. I hate it when this happens, when I am sure someone dislikes me, they shock the shit out of me and it turns out it is the total opposite. I take things way too personally, I just do. I feel like words and language are a weapon at times because you can really screw up a person's whole day if you say the wrong thing - or maybe you intentionally said those things to hurt someone. Words and speech are dangerous - infectious - like a disease. That's why I like to use them to describe how I am feeling or to annoy other people. I wrote an article about how I disliked irresponsible motorcyclists and I got a foul response about it - the thing is it is obvious that the idiot that responded didn't read the whole article because I lay out exact why I am upset with motorcyclists and bicyclists for that matter. The point is, I affected that person mentally with something I wrote and placed on the Internet. I didn't even have to force this person to read it, they found it. Words are a dangerous thing. Now place the power language and speech into a untouchable rich asshole and there you have it - my boss. He is pleasant sometimes, but now I am afraid to make eye contact with him, because I don't want him to yell at me again.

I just wanted to get this off my chest.

I am at a loss again, I am overwhelmed with a lot of what is going on right now. I am pretty much at the point where I don't even want to show up to work anymore. I'm tired of work. I have a few side projects going on right now, but I haven't had any significant time to work on any of it yet.

Animal Testing

For those of you out there who are appalled by the idea of animal testing, be it a rodent or an insect, you need to take a step back and realize why it is being done. I understand that it sucks that these animals are being elected without a choice to go on our human conquest for human better living, but would you rather regress or progress medically?

I for one like the idea of using mice and rats for preliminary testing before moving on to humans. However there are very strange anti-human humans out there, misanthropists, that seem to care more about saving kitties and rabbits than they do their own species. I am disgusted with these people. I understand that some humans are awful terrible people, I complain about it regularly, but I will not damn everyone for the misdeeds of just a few people. People suck, but not everyone does.

When is the last time you heard of a cat or rabbit saving your skin instead of their own? Right! Never! Okay now that we have established that cats and rabbits don't care much about their owners, then why do we care too much about testing on them. Well I for one don't care, we eat them, they die earlier than us and they are easily reproduced - if the tables were turned then they would be doing the same thing to us.

The point is, in order to make advancements, sacrifices are necessary, the moral cost of some rats is a lot cheaper than that of a human. So yes it sucks and it is wrong, but it is a necessary evil so get over it.

Work Work

You ever go to work and just sit there and don't want to do jack shit? I am not motivated to do anything right now, which sucks because I do have work I need to do. I am just not interested in what I am working on at the moment it is painfully boring. To make matters worse I don't know when to expect new projects to come my way because my boss doesn't explain anything to me properly. He just puts a bunch of fucking words on a page broken up by newlines and tells me to build it. His design documents are always pretty much a single page or an excel sheet mock up which sucks. He gives me zero background on what or why I am doing this, he just sets down his vague idea and tells me to "do it and do it right".

Very motivating. Right now I need a goddamn bonus. Another 10K and a raise is in order damn it.

I want to start writing one of my three books.

More Blather

So my wedding has happened and I am in the hole financially, like wow expensive. I am not in debt, just out about 32.5K which is nuts. I am not taking all of the burden by myself, but holy shit, still expensive as fuck. I had a really good time and I think my guests did as well. For the money that we paid they had a fucking awesome time.

Now I can reprioritize again, house hunting is next. We need to move out of the place we are in right now. After getting a home, I can finally pay down my student debt. I plan on doing it sometime this year too. I want to throw like 3 to 5 grand at the total. I am at about 30K. I am not going to keep paying it off like this, it is taking too long. I want the debt monkey off my back.

Customer Service

I don't make life difficuilt for people who are just trying to do their job, I wouldn't want people to do that to me, so I won't do that to them and really when it comes down to it - what does it really accomplish? Aggrivation, contempt, hatred and any of the other angry feelings. So it's simple, you ask nicely and give people a chance to think and breath. Mutual respect.

Then there are those pieces of shit that don't give a rats ass about mutual respect, I am focusing on the service side, some don't care if your important order goes through or if your life altering appointment is made or not. These people suck and it pains me to get them in trouble - but that is when you call the manager and complain. I hate doing it.

It's simple, mutual respect will keep you out of trouble.

Verbal Inequality

I don't like how people are allowed to behave badly and get away with it. There are safe guards set in place this kind of thing, but only if we breech a certain level of bad, a threshold. So for example, you can pretty much go around and make people as uncomfortable as you want verbally by telling them ugly things, cussing at them, teasing them, but you aren't allowed to physically fight back - you are only allowed to get on their level by yelling back or keep your mouth shut and try to take the high road. I don't agree with this at all, but the only other option is physical violence which usually ends badly for everyone. So like I opened this paragraph with, "People are allowed to behave badly and get away with it."

I hate that, it makes me so angry that it shuts me down when it happens. Unfortunately my programmed response is to start whaling on said person, but since I am no longer 18, I cannot afford to go to jail - not that I have ever been to jail - but I have come close a few times. There is a lot more to lose now. I still don't understand why these sub human pieces of shit are allowed to get away with what they do - but I guess the system is setup so there is the least amount of abrasiveness. It isn't a good system, but less people get hurt in the process I suppose. I don't think the system accounts for grudges, harboring ill will or resentment - and that is a bigger problem in my opinion.

Here is a little story of something that happened to me recently and it both infuriated me and scared me. I had a friend over for dinner, he parked his car in the designated guest parking area. When I walked him back to his car, we saw that the car next to him - which was parked badly - left a two nice pock marks on his door. My friend just got his used car recently - this is not fair. So we called the police and asked what we could do - the popo said we could do nothing. Okay... so my friend decided to write a note for the shmuck who scratched his door. We were very sure it was him because this asshole had scratches up and down his door and the exact spacing between the pock marks matched the exact spacing of this asshole's car door. His note basically said, "Hey buddy, I believe you scratched my door with your driver's side door. Please call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx if you would like to resolve this problem. Thank you. -aldfkjljas".

So we hung out and waited to see if this piece of shit would show up because we saw people were returning to their cars. It was apparent that all of these people were leaving from the same home in my complex. Finally the drunken piece of Cuban shit walks over with his house battered wife and 4 cum stain male children and we tell the piece of shit what happened. He proceeds to tell us in broken Cuban that we are liars and that we are just looking for a pay out. I told him to open his door completely and lo and behold the fucking door matches the pock marks EXACTLY. He then says a bunch on intelligible Cuban and gets into his car. Meanwhile I am going ape shit telling him he hit the car (this was my mistake, I lost my cool) and he should pay for it, but he is just ignoring us. He back's up the car, looks at my friend's car - looks at his plate and says - this is your car? "Yes it is my car", the Cuban fuck then says "Ok Ok Ok... I will keep an eye out...". Before he left we asked him to give back the paper with my friend's phone number on it, he said "No I will hold on to this...", but it was the way he was saying it, as if he was going to do something bad with the information.

As he proceeded to drive off, I yelled out, "FUCK YOU" - mistake number 2 on my part, should have kept my mouth shut, but I was very mad - he then stops the car, jumps out, quickly hobbles over to me and begins to say in a yelling tone (I will omit the caps) "You fucking Americans have no balls, I Spanish, in my country I would KILL you and your friends right now for saying what you said. Fuck you Americans, No balls!" He is saying all this while bumping his chest against mine with his alcohol soaked breath. I kept my mouth shut to not escalate this any further because my only other option was to let him have the first hit on me (he started the fight officer), so I could then beat the shit out of him or stab him with my knife which I always carry. Luckily, his house battered wife came over and pushed him away while he called me several pejorative terms in Spanish - because he thinks I don't speak Spanish.

So this could have ended badly for either one of us. I could have killed him, he could have killed me, we both could have just beat the shit out of each other into a bloody pulp - but none of that happened. The only thing I walked away with from this was - he got away with scratching my friend's car, lying about it, then making a death threat against us.

We called the police - again - and told them what happened. The popo was very reluctant to do anything about this. Wow, thanks police that I fund with my fucking tax payer money. Public servants my ass. We forced them to make a report about it anyhow, gave them the fucking license plate number, make, model of the car - what the Cuban piece of shit looked like.

I hate Macho Man Cubans SO MUCH. This guy must have been a criminal in his country, to say something like he said so easily, what a fucking asshole.

I proceeded to think about how much I wish I could have killed the guy, stick a knife in his fucking throat and watch him bleed to death. Or shoot him at point blank range and watch the gray matter spray around. Unfortunately, his family wouldn't deserve that - they weren't at fault - he was. I would go to jail no matter what - self defense or not - that would fuck my family over too.

However, the same fact remains - he got away with this - unscathed - he is allowed to go around and make death threats - he is allowed to scratch people's cars up at his leisure. Where is the justice here? I am supposed to just take the moral high road because this guy is an asshole. Well, then I am going to continue to hate this person for the rest of my life and I will make life difficult for him if the opportunity permits itself. He made a few mistakes - I know what car he drives, I know what he looks like, I have his plate number.

I can find him if I feel like it.

He had better pray I don't see him again, if I see him again and if approaches me or says anything to me or my friend (he has his number) I am going to call the police and I will make sure he arrested one way or another.

Hopefulness

I think I have said it before, but if I haven't I would like to go on record to state that I think that the US is headed for civil war. However after the re-election of Barack Obama (yay!) I have seen a different side of our politics and our country for the first time. The old uneducated cantankerous white people are now a smaller number and are no longer the majority in this country! We finally have an edge, I hope we can keep people educated and keep this distaste going for the republican party of bigotry and hate.

I hate the republican party because they represent bigotry, racism and a total lack of freedom for people. They use their fucking religion to dictate to us how we should live our lives which is wrong. I want knowledge, science and just overall learning to pollute America. We need to rid ourselves of the idiot country bumpkins that we use primarily as fodder for wars. The only way to do that though is through education. We can take these idiots and turn them into respectable and intelligent people.

I used to be against this idea, but I think voting should be restricted to people who have earned the right to do it. I used to think that everyone - regardless of hos fucking stupid they were deserved a voice - well now I am against that idea. If you are too stupid to problem solve basic problems of life and you believe everything someone else tells you without doing your own fucking research, then you do not deserve to vote.

There is a foul mentality out there, the greedy mentality of nefarious and fiendish people. They come in many forms, but the most common form is the business man. There are good conscious business men, but then there are the business men who will sell their own mothers if the price is right. Those people pass the voting test, they can vote because of their cunning. However, those same businessmen command and instruct the simple and dumb of our country from under a guise. They usually take form in white robes or any other religious garb. Then you have sycophants like Todd Akin who are not religious figures, but political religious pawns who spread fallacies through the land like a disease.

Speech is a powerful thing. I had been thinking about and talking about the impressions of speech on people long before the movie inception made it a popular topic. What has to be pointed out though is that the more impressionable people tend to be, the way more stupid they are and those types of impressionable people also tend to be more religious because they need to be led. Those are the same idiots that are being led by the republicans. The democrats have their share of idiots too, but in my opinion the democrats have less of a dangerous impact on everyone. They at least support social programs while they are lying, wasting our money and giving in to lobbyists.

If we want this country to survive and continue to be as great as it is, we need to adopt socialist principles. People equate socialism with communism when they are not at all the same! A few words about communism, Karl Marx says in his manifesto, that Communism is only and idea and cannot be implemented without being bastardized by contaminating influences. Essentially Communism is only a good idea on a small scale or in a Utopian society which will never exist. In other words it is a bad idea. Karl Marx himself said that communism is a bad idea. However, we can use bits and pieces of socialism too help everyone. Yes the taxes are higher, but you get more help and amenities when you need them. Why is that wrong? This "fuck everyone" mentality of greed is wrong and only bought us bad omens like the sub prime mortgage melt down and a recession because a bunch of investment banker businessmen assholes said "Fuck everyone, I am only looking out for me."

Does it make sense that some companies, especially oil companies, during the recession were still making gobs of money? I don't think so. With government regulation and direction we can end this reign of terror by these fucking businessmen and businesses. These goddamn politicians that are puppets of these companies because there are lobbyist dicks in the asses of our so called civil servants? People make fun or deny the concept of a shadow government, when it is right there in front of us, it is clear, we have conglomerates running our country through elected career politicians. This needs to stop.

Career politicians should not exist! It is a very dangerous and flawed idea! Senators and congressmen should have a limit of 8 years to serve in any office. They should not be allowed to be a career politicians. Serving that long only allows them to be corrupt over time, then they no longer fight for the people they only fight for reelection! What the fuck is that about!

Party lines aside, all I care about is the well being of my people. I want the US to thrive and be the best at everything. I am tired of dead locked government and regressive movements. It is time for progressive action or we are going to be ruined all over again. I don't want to re-live 2008. I was laid off, what about you? I think this recent election has proven that the people are mostly all on the same page. Time for us to move forward, I just hope Mr. President will kick ass now because he no longer has to worry about reelection.

Get Out To Vote

First and foremost I'd like to say: Please go vote today. With respect to doing your voting duty, I don't care who you vote for, but please go vote.

With respect to who you vote for I will shamelessly say go vote for Barack Obama. I voted for Barack Obama because I agree with his views and principals. I have not researched him enough, but I vote party lines anyhow. I am a registered NPA or Non Partisan Affiliation or No Party Affiliation and I vote democrat most of the time. I do not like this democratic party, but holy shit these jackholes who call themselves republicans are insane. There is only one member of congress that I like and his name is Congressman Bernie Sanders. He is the ideal political candidate. He is very concerned with the well being of his state and his votes and decisions are usually very much in line with what I like.

I wish I had more time to really learn about how our silly government works, but I don't like reading as much as I like writing. I do however like listening to audio books. I still need to find a book or two on civics and learn everything I forgot or didn't know already. I feel bad that I don't know all of that stuff, I need to brush up on it. I would like to read the constitution too. I really wish I knew more about the candidates that I support, most of what I know is always what I hear on the radio. Whether it is NPR or The Alex Bennet Program, I am always listening to what is going on. No time or patience for books.

Mind Dump

I am in a particularly weird state of mind right now. I am scared, specifically I am scared of work or rather I am scared of my boss. I am afraid he will fire me one day out of the blue and it might be during a time when I can't handle it. I hate that kind of uncertainty it truely bothers me. If I got fired it would be due to the enormity of his ego, not because I did anything wrong.

I just feel like impending doom is looming over my head which doesn't make me feel too good about anything. I am getting this feeling from my boss and my stupid landlord. My landlord I fear getting a phone call for her to tell us to gtfo or she is raising rent again like an asshole. Granted we are paying significantly less than anyone else in our complex, but she is not a good landlord. She won't pay to fix anything, it is as if it is all our problem and I don't care for that.

I wish I could switch jobs right now, I really do. I don't feel comfortable working at my job place anymore. I feel out of place and I feel like a blacksheep. Almost hated or envied by my coworkers, which is stupid because I hardly see them. It isn't fair that I am being poorly reflected upon because my boss has a loud mouth and likes to say mean shit about my colleague and me outloud for everyone else to hear. He is unprofessional in that sense. He is also very unrealisitc.

Status

I am beyond tired right now. I was physically and mentally exausted last week, so I skipped going to the gym. I am mentally spent this week. I have been working very hard since my boss blew up on me. I have done such a good job he has consistently told me how much he likes what I have come up with.

That part aside, I am quite nervous about the next 2 months. I need them to be over already so I can focus on bigger important things. I think, I am unsure, but I think I am finished paying for all of the big expensive things connected to this wedding. Right now it is attendance. I need to robo call people who have not rsvp'd yet to get a definite yes or no. Either way I am pretty sure I am not going to get 90 people to show, no big deal, we have about 68 right now. Which isn't bad considering we invited 110.

As soon as this is all over I will be focusing on getting a home or moving to another rental. I will then start to aggresively pay off my student debt. I estimate that I can pay off my federal loans before the end of next year.

For right now I need to file a complaint with Miami-Dade County against the douche bag owner of a lot in the city of NMB. This fuck tard won't cooperate with me regarding my car's repair needs.

Adult Trends in Anxiety

I was watching this series called "Obsessed" which is basically reality TV about the lives of people who have anxiety disorders ranging from OCD to Hording and everything in between. I watched like 5 full episodes until I saw a pattern that emerged in about 95% of all the episodes. This pattern amazed and impressed me because it was so prevalent that I stopped watching the episodes and was speeding through the first 2 minutes of the remaining 20 or so episodes to keep finding that pattern - that and the show had a formula which made it very boring after about 5 episodes.
 
The formula was simple, introduction of two people, they are both pretty fucked up, one is OCD and the other is a Hoarder, or one is a Germaphobe and the other is afraid to take a shit (no seriously, they are afraid to have a bowl movement). They go to therapy for 6 weeks individually different doctors, different cities. They are forced to record their frustrations in a video diary. They must attempt to not give in to their disorders. After 6 weeks they are usually a lot better.

Commonalities between patients include:
A. Traumatic events in early childhood, including but not limited to rape and molestation.
B. In some cases genetics comes into play for people suffering from agoraphobia.
C. Abandonment issues for people who lost a loved one and didn't get to say good bye properly.

Those were the common traits between patients. The pattern I found was when the disorder became more prevalent and overpowering. I found it to be absolutely astonishing that most of the cases all had something similar to say which was something to the effect of: "I was much happier and it didn't affect me nearly as much when I was younger. It only started getting worse after I got married and had children."

First thing about this is, it isn't some strange coincidence that they are getting worse. I realized a few things here:

A. People with children are generally much less happy than those without children. This has been observed and written about recently in a study by a Canadian researcher who also released a book.

B. Assuming people live about 80 years - you spend the first 30% of your life almost completely care free assuming general cases and not extreme high or low cases. Since you live that first 30% going to school, interacting with people, you actually have time to relax and do whatever the fuck you want on your off time, damn straight you are happier. You generally don't have to worry about groceries, paying bills or taking care of adult things. You have a layer of protection offered by your guardian. So yes, it is completely accurate to say that when you are younger you are much happier.

C. When you enter that 70% of your life, typically after you join the work force and you don't see your friends anymore or as often. You do become more depressed and sad. Therefore anyone with anxiety becomes worse without acknowledgement or help. Then if you throw a spouse that might have been a mistake to marry and some children on top, let's say two. All of a sudden you find yourself supporting two monsters you didn't want to begin with and you slowly realized the person you married hates you; which is why you aren't having sex anymore. Yeah, I'd say your life just got a lot worse and you have plenty to be anxious about. Which explains clearly why your behavioral/anxiety disorders escalate.

So yes, the trend I found in adults with anxiety while watching the show Obsessed fascinates me to no end.

Doctor Offices

So I am at the cardiologist's office and I am listening to the receptionist fail at her job. I know from experience she sucks at her simple job. I know it is a lot of work and it is annoying to deal with not so nice patients, but this is not rocket science. Anyone can be trained to do this job in my opinion. Anyhow, this woman fails to schedule people correctly, she misses call backs and she puts people on hold for 15 to 30 minutes at a time. This is bad business and if I wasn't so wound up with this doctor already, I would just go to someone else.

This office is suffering, but they don't know it yet. Really it is the doctor who should be paying attention, because he is the boss. So every time someone isn't scheduled correctly that is an opportunity for loss, patients will just go to another doctor. I had gotten screwed by this office before, I kept calling back about important things and being placed on hold, then hung up on - twice. I got very mad and demanded to speak to the office manager - she apologized and told me everything is fine. I don't understand how something like that can be mismanaged that easily - especially since that is the entry point into the business. When the people at the front desk are screwing up, they are fucking everyone. Like I said before, if patients start to cancel due to mean, poorly educated, uncaring, attitude having receptionists - male or female - patients do have the option of going else where.

I have thought about telling the doctor a few times about his receptionist's shit performance. I think the problem will fix itself, because I don't feel like being responsible for someone to lose their job right now.

Kami-Sama

My boss is in a good mood again he was very civil yesterday, now I feel that I was on edge the whole day for no reason. I was so afraid to speak or look at him because I didn't want a repeat of what happened. It would have really destroyed me if it did happen again. My goal is to not have to deal with that ever again, which is probably wishful thinking more so than reality.

I spoke with him again today and he was in a great mood and very helpful instead of being a fucking monster. So I am very relieved that I didn't have to see that side of him again today. This is day two.

I am dubbing him Kami-Sama because he is a force to be reckoned with. Kami-Sama means deity or god, but does not have to be in the spiritual sense. According to the Shintoists, it can be someone who you neither fear or love, but you are in awe of them. Purely dumb struck. The term would be used to describe lords from fiefdoms or rulers.

Well that is me, I don't like him, I don't fear him and I especially don't love him. He just shocks me that he could be so callous and just plain mean. He has all of the cards though, he has me by the balls because he is the judge and jury since he is the owner of the company.

I really hate people like him because he never had to struggle too hard since he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. I find his total lack of sympathy or respect for others to just be shocking and there is jack shit I can do about it. He is allowed to verbally abuse people all he wants. I just have to hope he hits me so I can sue him for battery and get a small fortune of my own from his fortune.

Time To Think

I have had enough time to think about the current unsavory work situation and the plan will be executed like so: I will not let my boss's inappropriate behavior get the best of me. I will continue to do the best job I can and if he doesn't like it then too bad, I won't let it get the best of me. I am going to bum through the rest of the year, if things get better or tolerable then I will decide to stay, if not then come January I will be looking for a new job. I already didn't like my job all that much, this has put the last nail in the coffin for me. Now I hate this fucking job.

I hate the idea of quitting another job and moving to a new one so soon, but I refuse to work under toxic conditions. Whether he realizes it or not, he is fucking with the wrong hombre right now - if I had nothing to lose - I would have beat him senseless that day and then stabbed him with my knife which I always carry with me. I would have kept him alive long enough to ask him rhetorical questions as he bled out such as, "Who is worthless now?" Or "Do you still feel invincible?" Watching the life escape from his stupid face would bring me a lot of joy.

People don't understand that the only real reason we don't kill each other consistently every day is that we A. Have a lot to lose, B. Don't want them to do the same to us in any form. It has very little to do with morality and everything to do with selfishness. Selfishness, because a person doesn't want someone else to hurt them, especially for poor reasons. Follow this logic, if someone is attacking you immediately your first thought is, "Please don't hurt me!" "Why shouldn't I hurt you?" "Because I didn't do anything to deserve this." Let's look at the other side of this, let's say someone does hurt you emotionally for very poor reasons and the person they hurt becomes enraged they have two very basic options. Option A: Resist hurting them back and Option B: Hurt them. What forces someone to pick Option A most of the time? They pick Option A generally speaking because they have a family at home they would like to continue to see every day and they don't want to go to jail. People will pick Option B if they were pushed too far or if they don't have a family, or they don't have a family they care to go back to, they have no self worth, or they don't just don't give a shit about anything anymore. Killing people is a lot easier if you don't fear the consequences.

Therefore just like there is no such thing as freedom of speech and only tolerated speech - murdering people is something we as a society don't like, but there is jack shit preventing people from doing it. There is a cost associated with it and that is all. You pay 25+ years of your life to kill someone. If you ain't got shit to lose, then 25+ years is a bargain.

Now the point of me covering all of this logical information is simple: People need to watch what they say to others and they need to stop pretending to be invincible. One day, you just might find the wrong person to fuck with and they might have reached their Witt's end already, you fuck with them and you will reap what you just sowed in the form of the cost of your life. So my ultimate message here I guess is, mutual respect. Do unto others as you would have them do to yourself.

Be very happy I am not in charge of this country of ours. If I was, things would work very well, but there would be a lot of dead people.

The Hand That Feeds

So I had a long chat with my boss, a clearing of the air if you will and it pretty much was pointless. He is a very cold and calculating person. I now officially hate him. There is definitely room for him to make it up, but he isn't going to change and I am not going to change because I am not the nasty one here he is.

He essentially just hard core embarrassed and made fun of me in front of the whole office again for very poor reasons. He is a very bad manager, he should not be in charge of anyone it is just a bad idea all around. Anyone who follows this blog (no one does) would know I hated my last boss too. Well update on that is, he was reprimanded 7 months after I left the job and a few months later someone else quit too. The hit for losing two very good seasoned programmers cost him one of his projects (the one I was on) stripped from his command because he proved to be an incompetent ass.

The problem this time is my boss is not an incompetent ass, he is very competent, the problem is that he has no people skills. He is very rude and hurtful with his explanations - if that's what you want to call it. His English sucks, so imagine an immigrant speaking a language you don't understand, trying to explain to you very important concepts and instructions in incomplete sentences and just over all broken English. Then when you don't understand him or worse you misunderstood what he had to say, he then has no problem belittling you in front of others. It is very uncomfortable and emotionally draining.

Simply put, I didn't really like my job already, but now I hate my job.

So after giving it a good while to think about it, I will probably have to quit next year after I get all of my vacation and other things out of the way. I am not screwing up my current plans in order to find a new job right now because this spoiled rich asshole is fearless of sending people to hell. Fucking dick weed mother fucker. My biggest problem right now is not sending my boss to hell, I have been mouthing off too much because he is forcing me into a corner and I refuse to not stand up for myself. I've made that mistake before and I am not going to make it again. Playing nice with assholes gets you no respect and gives them license to walk all over you. There is a way to push the envelope without screwing yourself over completely.

I am not willing to let him walk all over me, so I am going to have to stop any personal friendly interaction with him and from this point forward it is purely work related only. I am not going to bother with more than a, "hello" or "good bye". He needs to know that the only thing I am going to do for him from now on is work and it is going to be strict hours from now on. Bad employers who want to rule you by fear are some of the worst kind, it is too bad there aren't laws protecting employees from verbal harassment.

Back to the Prison Cell

I have gone back to work. I don't want to be here in comparison to working from home which was way more enjoyable. I wouldn't care as much if I knew for a fact that everything was okay, but apparently, not so much. I haven't had to talk to my boss yet again about anything, so I am not sure what to think right now. All I know is I am back in a place that I am not sure that I want to be in anymore because I hate feeling panicked or feeling anxious.

My anxiety is down today, but it is definitely going to spike unless I get some real hearty work done today. I have decided not to stay at work anymore past 6:00/6:30 the latest. I refuse to screw up my nights anymmore during the week especially for an asshole who thinks it is okay to be bipolar at his convenience. I have learned that it is not worth working anywhere if you are going to work in fear of losing your job because you are going to send your boss to hell once day. The last time I felt like this I was feeling so sick every day I had to drag myself out of bed to go to work.

Working here sometimes feel like cold abrasive concrete. Unpleasant to the touch, very hard, cold and it can hurt you a lot if you rub it the wrong way. Not sure if I like knowing that. Anyhow... I am going to do my best to not let this get me too down because I don't think the appropriate response for me is to quit every time my boss is a dick. I suppose he was having a bad day, I need to talk to him and tell him not to do that again regardless of the outcome or repercussions of doing so. Plain and simple, it is not okay.

The Walls Have Ears and the Assholes Have Loud Voices

So apparently while my boss was chewing me out yesterday over the phone, he was doing so in a loud tone that everyone had to listen to in my office. Fun times. I got into the office today and everyone had a comment about it. They all heard it and said he was quite upset. They all backed it up with, "That's how he is." Right and if that is how I was with other people, I would have been fired long ago. He can be that way because he is rich and half owner. He doesn't give two shits about how he makes people feel or how it comes off. I don't like that at all.

Undue Stress

I knew it was only about a matter of time before I started to dislike my new boss. I always knew my boss was a big dick, but I didn't have to really experience his bullshit until recently where I have been taking instruction directly from him. My boss's first language was not English and therefore his assignment/project explanations are the worst I have ever received. He doesn't know how to express himself in English words and his thought process is a complete fucking mess. He wouldn't be able to explain himself out of a paper fucking bag or to save his life. When he can't explain things to people properly, or they don't understand it, he gets excited, not the good kind, the bad upset kind of excited. It is very taxing as the person listening to him attempt to explain what he has locked away in his fucking brain what it is that he wants.

He is also making a big mistake that a lot of people make where he assumes I understand the business completely. It is ridiculous for him to do that, but he just like many others, just throw their arms up the in the air and pretend that I should just know it already. Yes, because I automatically understand that there is no series for pricing when it comes to a mortgage product. If you are scratching you head in confusion, then good because NO ONE would fucking know that unless they studied it and work with it every day! He assumed I knew this bullshit detail. Yes - because a fucking software developer automatically understands financial products, because we all took business classes and had a year or more experience trading stock.

I think it is very rude and inconsiderate for these business types to do that. This is the second fucking place where I have worked where the management likes to assume you know the business already. It is not fair and it is stupid. Unfortunately there is jack shit I can do about it here. The next level up is the CEO to complain to and I will not do that because my boss is the other owner of the company. I strongly think, not joking, that my boss needs to take English and Verbal Communications classes - because he is a shitty communicator. It just makes everyone upset for no fucking reason. He is the one that is flipping out and frankly I don't think there is any reason for it. This is his project, he doesn't answer to anyone, and he is telling me that this needs to be finished soon which is horseshit because it didn't exist prior to this. So NO it doesn't need to be finished soon since this is in house software and he answers to no one but himself!

He has completely demotivated me for today because of the way he spoke to me. I need to watch myself because I might get in trouble or fired for fighting back. He really made me feel worthless the way he was speaking to me. I am having some high anxiety right now, which is why I am not working right now and writing this post instead. I gain complete mental block when things like this happen and now I fear going into a depressive state again because of this event. Which of course I don't want to happen.

I hate to say this, but if I need to, I will quit again. I've learned life is too short to go work for someone who is a complete prick asshole every day if it is going to make you miserable and anxious all of the time. I hate it when this happens to me, I am quite upset and anxious right now - I feel the depression coming on and I am sort of freaking out about it. I am getting to the point where the only way out I see is working for myself, I am not sure how to do that yet, but I am working on it. I wouldn't mind going back to my old company, but I am not sure if I should yet. I want to, but again not sure if it is a good idea.

The Todo List

I wish I didn't have a never ending todo list. I mean some of the stuff I want to do and other stuff I don't want to do. I am sure everyone feels that way, but I don't like how my list doesn't seem to shrink. I would really like everything to back off at one point in my life so I can just sit down and enjoy myself quietly.

Well that isn't going to happen anytime soon. So in the mean time here is a review of a few things. I need to get this app out, then I want to work on a hardware project (breifly, not going to pan out), I have a joint programming venture and then a book. I seriously want to work on a book that I have been wanting to work on for ages. I don't think anyone would buy it, but fuck it.

There are two books really. One is about the truths we as people ignore and the other is a dieting guide. I feel that these books may not do well, but it is something I very much want to do.

For now I am going to take a small break.

The Romney Robot and the Rest of his Brainless Followers

This is a message specifically targeted at all of you people out there that still think that Romney is a viable candidate.

First off, if you think he is still a viable candidate ask yourself why. If you find yourself coming up with banner ads or snazy one liners that have no real meaning, then I think you must dig a little deeper. You should probably give yourself a little more credit, because no one can be this stupid unless you are from the South Middle of the US where you are so fucking poor, you will agree with anyone who says they want you to be rich, jesus, guns and 9/11.

Need a visual, here is one:



I am not proud to be associated with people like this. It is embarrassing to live in the same country as asshats  like the ones depicted in the video above. These people are so stupid they are probably mostly borderline retarded and I mean that in the literal sense. They are not mentally well, especially the idiots who contradict themselves like Ayn Rand did in her later years of life.

This image is from Wikipedia

If you are not familiar with it, Ayn Rand said that people shouldn't be on welfare... well she ended up on welfare. Surprise surprise - a Republican contradicting them self? That never happens right? One of the idiots in the video above does exactly that, he is collecting government aid, but damns it at the same time?! HOW, HOW DO YOU DO THAT? It is a fucking contradiction and these people are what is wrong with America, not gays, lesbians and people of color - the problem with America are these mother fuckers who want to pretend to be red blooded Americans who stand for all of our liberties while trampling on everyone else's rights!

These people are not from the United States of America, they are from the Individual States of Murica. They don't respect anyone who does not think like them and they can't even follow basic laws or logic because they are just so stupid, uneducated and borderline retarded due to inbreeding. Fuck the South. I can't believe that we are still one of the only countries in the world with such a pathetic social system and infrastructure. We don't have proper health care because the companies running the show don't want to let go and lose profits and they make sure nothing changes because they have their dicks up the asses of all the morons in congress. I think it is disgusting. I am so fucking sick and tired of listening to people on Fox News or Right Wing(nut) Radio slandering (mostly) good people. The pure amount of lies that they spew like vomit and the fucking idiots that consume it through their eyes and ears who don't stop for just a moment to think to themselves "Are they over doing it?" or "Hey that doesn't sound right?".

I respect having a difference in opinion, but not from low life ignoramuses who can't even spell their own fucking names correctly without having to look at the fucking tag on their shirt. I don't respect people who want to shove their religion dick in my face and put it in our supposedly neutral (separation of church and state my ass) religion country. I don't respect people who think that it is okay not to look ahead and possibly expect the fucking factory or farm they have been working on/at for generations to eventually close. These ideologies are flawed! The worst part of it all is that most of it is preventable by looking into the future, setting god aside, and using YOUR FUCKING BRAIN to think 17 steps ahead like a chess player!

So this brings me to my final point. Take a good look at Romney, listen to what has to say about the people who don't make big bucks like he does. This man is incredibly detached from all reality, it is sickening. He has written off the poor, uneducated, possibly mentally retarded idiots and admits to it in the following video.

That 47% (which is really 49% now) that he is talking about DO pay taxes, they just don't pay taxes at the end of the year because they are ALREADY PISS FUCKING BROKE! Two-Thirds of that 47% are people who pay their fucking payroll taxes! Payroll taxes consist of the following taxes:

• State Tax - Not applicable in all places like Florida
• Federal Tax - If you are working - you pay this
• Medicare Tax - You pay this even if you aren't on Medicare
• Social Security Tax - You pay this even if you aren't on Social Security

The remaining 1/3rd of that 47% don't pay taxes because they are FUCKING RETIRED! You don't pay taxes if you are not working, but believe it or not, even if you are retired, you are still required to file for taxes if you are living off of a pension plan or even collecting social security. So FUCK MITT ROMNEY. He is a goddamn robot who only knows how to live on his inheritance. He probably isn't even that great of a fucking manager or businessman because someone who starts with money had nothing to lose to begin with.

So if you believe you aren't a fucking uneducated retard like the ones mentioned above, you need to reconsider your vote. Voting for Romney only makes rich bigoted people more rich, that's all. It keeps poor people poor and makes them considerably poorer in most cases. Fuck Romney and fuck all of those assholes at his 50K/plate dinner in this video except for the guy who caught him spouting bile on his camera phone. This little circle jerk fund raiser took place in Boca in Florida. Boca for those of you who don't know is where a lot of VERY rich assholes live. They have no interest in helping people, they probably only live in Florida to begin with because there is no State tax or they are a fucking Cuban American and you know how I feel about that already. Most Cuban Americans are born retarded, not mentally, just socially because their parents who most likely came directly from Cuba made a big mistake in spoiling them stupid.

I am sorry that Bush handed America over to Barack Obama in such shit shape.
I am sorry that Republicans in congress REFUSE to work with Democrats and Barack Obama.
However, Barack Obama is clearly trying to help this country and it isn't a coincidence that the guy that is trying to help everyone happens to be a Democrat. Democrats have historically wanted to help EVERYONE regardless of their sex, sexual preference, skin color, religions, creed or political persuasion. You don't see that with the Republicans, all you get is hatred, bigotry and selfishness!

In order for this country to move past its fucking preventable standstill - either we need a goddamn civil war to kill each other in or there needs to be a benevolent dictatorship. I can't say I don't think that either one of those is a good idea as long as it is stupid people dying (most republicans) and the benevolent dictator is me. I say lets close shop and fix this country so we can stop being the goddamn laughing stock of the world who uses a shadow government controlled by companies to control the world.

I hate Republicans.

More Anger

I am a little deflated today. Nothing better than your own mother saying mean or stupid shit to you to get you in a poor mood. I am not going into the specifics of it, but my mother sure likes to start shit when she really has no reason to. It is very disrespectful, but hell parents don't seem to care if they offend their adult children. I mean it only builds resentment and hairline triggers right?

Anyhow... lots of wedding stuff going on, almost at the finish line too. I'm glad things have finally been set into motion and it is all jiving and moving along. I can see this year almost being finished and over with. I will be going on an excellent vacation too at the end of the year after the wedding. Everything, naturally, costs money. I don't even want to begin to think about how much I have spent already - it is sickening. I don't recommend doing any of this unless you have at least 20K to pull out of your ass and then more for things you didn't expect. Plain and simple this shit is expensive. Remember, it is only for one day, for the same stupid price you can get a down payment on a house easily - so weigh your options.

I would have liked to have paid off one of my student loans by now, especially since all this money that just seems to be flowing from my anus is flowing so freely and unnaturally. So like I said... I will be happy as soon as this year is through and over with.

On to other news. I am still working on getting my app published, it is taking effort, a lot of extra effort... Omg publishing an app is no small feat... like people make it sound easy, it is anything but. Next project is going to be a hardware project. The project after that another software project, then after that a book project I have DYING to work on. I think I can make all of these things happen, they will happen, but slowly and in order. Meanwhile I will be working on paying down my loans, slowly, but I will pay those fucking things down and I am determined to get them out of my fucking life in the next 2 years. I want to be student debt free by December 2014. I am not.. well you will be hearing about it, because I will bitch all the way there.

The only exception to my deadline is I need permanent residence right now badly. I hate my stupid Landlord, the stupid heifer is completely irresponsible and does not deserve this property we are renting from her. I hate irresponsible home owners, it is one thing to be conned, it is another thing to just be a jack ass who doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, but thinks they can have their cake and eat it too. Stupid bitch won't willingly pay for her fucking property's repairs! We have to beg, all I get back is, "Oh I can't pay for this." well fuck you, no one told you to buy something you can't afford you dumb bitch. So we are going to see if we can buy it from her, but I am not holding my breath, she is very very stubborn.

Movement

Things are progressing nicely right now, which tends to add to my anxiety. I figured out a long time ago that saying 50% of the time things go well and the other 50% they don't is a huge misconception. What it comes down to is that when nothing is upsetting me for a long time, it is inevitable that something over a long expanse of time will find its way to upset me. It is logical. So it isn't half and half, it is more like normalcy and then an upsetting event that deregulates my normalcy. The best comparison is making waves in a pond that was nice and still for a long time. It doesn't make sense to say that - that pond was still 50% of the time and turbulent the other 50% of the time. Being still is the norm or baseline.

That is why I am quite sure I have dysthymia, my baseline for happiness sucks. I am never actually happy about anything, I am just undisturbed, like a pond that is still. Then when a traumatic event happens in my life that I don't see coming or I don't know how to deal with, it puts me in a deep deep depression that I can be in for an indeterminate amount of time. Like the size of the rock thrown into the pond causes the number and size of ripples in the surface of the once still baseline pond.

I am semi happy to state that pseudoephedrine doesn't only work as a decongestant, it works as an anti-depressant and it works very well. The only problem with it is it releases all of the feel good chemicals in your brain all at once, which leads to a crash. You feel great for a few days then, it wears off and you are out of feel good chemicals. It takes a while for your body to replenish them. I use pseudoephedrine for decongestion, so this is an unintended benefit.

Social Anxiety

I think I have social anxiety, I don't want to say that I have the disorder, but I am very reluctant to go into big crowds. I hate being stared at upon entering a room, it bothers me...a lot. I cave under potentially embarassing situations, so I hide to avoid them. It is the same reason I can't sit and watch Ben Stiller movies or The Office because they aren't funny to me, they just make me immensely uncomfortable. Unless I know I can safely be around well known people, I am very anxious and uncomfortable.

I am at a kid's party right now... I hate small children. I don't like dealing with people asking me constantly "So when will you have kids?" Or "So you're next huh?" Sigh... I don't want kids, I am afraid to have any. I am afraid of their potential cost and honestly them coming out fucked up. Retarded or otherwise, low functioning worthless mostly brain dead leeches. I wouldn't be able to live like that.

psyched up

I have been really busy as of late, organizing my self and my life. I cleaned up my office quite a bit and the chii is flowing now, so I feel very comfortable working in my office. My wife is working on her own set of things and so we are both busy at work trying to make a name and money for ourselves aside from our regular jobs.

I finally, after a lot of frustration, have 98% completed on of my android apps. I need to test it and do bug fixes, then send it out to market which by itself is a huge undertaking apparently.

There are 16 steps for publishing to the Android market, somethings of which I haven't even thought of, so I will be working on it.

I am well on my way to my next years goals.

Have this wedding paid off, honey moon, federal loans, private loan and finally buy a house.

Then maybe...as much as I don't want to...children...

Status Truth

I hate it when someone asks you, usually a friend, "How's it going?" and you know depending on whether you say good or bad will determine how much they want to annoy you about stupid shit.

For example, I have a huge habit of complaining because I don't like having unresolved problems. I also don't like keeping it to myself because it puts me in a bad mood, so I vent and I vent frequently. I don't mind venting to my friends in person, but it is more difficuilt to do over IM.

There is no tone in IM which is really goddamn annoying to say the least. It can cause problems while speaking to someone because you won't know how they meant something when talking unless they specifically mention the tone.

For example the word argument. This word can mean angry or it can mean someone's side of a story.

Anyhow, I have one friend in particular who I try not to complain to over IM because he always seems to trivialize what I am complaining or concerned about. It really bothers me that he has such a laze fair attitude about life and it is because he has a fall back. He doesn't have to worry about failure because he has a fall back and he wants to apply that same, "don't worry about it attitude" to everyone else. It is quite annoying.

So I avoid it.

Other people I try not to complain to because I am worried that they will get tired of hearing me complain. I can't help but be honest, I have a hard time saying that everything is okay when it isn't.

Right now everything is not okay. I am very worried about my health and I am worried about financing all of these wedding related things. I am going to a nice place for my other sisters wedding and so my wife and I decided to make the destination our honeymoon get away. The problem is this is going to cost a boat load of money I certainly did not plan on. I am not too happy about taking the money from my car sale and dumping it into this wedding. The honeymoon is going to cost about 5,000 dollars no matter how you spin it. Probably a little more because of unexpected costs and my favorite new thing to hate: Foreign Transaction Fees due to currency conversions.

Basically I need all of this stuff to end soon so I can get back to what is important, which is paying down my debt so I can live debt free. The other equally as important thing is to move out of the home I am in right now and buy my own place.

Update

I'm not dead, just been really busy. I did my upper GI endoscopy and colonoscopy and it was a breeze. The doctor told me they didn't find anything at all - which is fantastic news, but I paid 1,500 dollars to be told what I knew already. Whoopeeeee.

Anyhow... I have been busy working on an Android app, busy at work, busy with life in general.

I can pretty much say I will be happy when this year is over and done with. I am excited about my wedding, but I am none to thrilled about the ridiculous costs.

My priority list has shifted again, I need to find a new place and soon. As soon as this year is over, my focus is on getting a home so I don't have to move anymore. I will probably get a home around where I am now, it has to be mostly move in ready. I don't care about ugly floors, walls or even fucked up kitchen appliances. What I care about is plumbing, electrical, windows and roof all being up to snuff.

In other words I don't want to be forced to renovate shit. I want to be able to move in and do what ever the fuck I want. It can be a shit hole, just not a flaming one.

Cracking Up

I have been having a hard time lately. Having a hard time focusing on work, on working out, on a lot of things... I am tired. Mostly mentally and a little emotionally. I wish I had the money to drop on going to a therapist right now, but I honestly don't. I want to save my money right now, I am very concerned about unexpected costs attached to this wedding. I would like to stop the spending roller coaster right now, but until this year is through there isn't much end in sight.

I am pretty depressed right now because I am going through another bout of depression. I knew it was going to happen, just wasn't sure when. Well it is here and it isn't welcome here, but like an unwanted guest I will have to make due until it leaves.

I would really like to get diagnosed for dysthysmia and dyslexia. Not that they are the same, but I need both diagnosed.

I am in a particularly bad mood too as of late, undoubtedly brought on by my depression. I am just upset with everyone as a whole. Nothing anyone did to me, I am just in a bad mood because I am depressed and I feel shitty. I feel guilty for not going to the gym too, but I am not sure how to handle my not going to the gym right now. I don't want to get fat, but I also don't want to go. It is because I have a lack of will to do so.

Running Ragged

I need a break soon. I have been busting my ass lately time wise, I am becoming very tired with all of the back and forth. I am glad that I have gotten myself organized and my new work place worked to my advantage, but I need a break.

I seriously need a month off, a full 4 weeks.

The first week I would just relax. I would do nothing and I would just game, watch movies and shows, eat, sleep and fuck.

The second week I would try to get some real work done with my personal projects. I have two projects I give a shit about and I want to see them through to the end.

The third and fourth weeks would be more of the same of the second week, but I would try to relax when I could.

I am making very good pay right now, but I never realized how high taxes are at my pay grade. The taxes take a huge dent out of your savings and spending ability. It sucks, but I am a strong believer in giving back, especially when you can.

My only goals are to become rich and to live comfortably in retirement. If I can only achieve one, it is to live comfortably in retirement.

I have two incredible investment options right now, one is through my work place. It is a hedge fund after all and the returns they are seeing per year are massive! These guys know how to hedge their bets big time. The only problem is it will take 10K minimum for me to get started.

The next incredible investment is something I will be more vague about. Let's just say it is a loan business where you can't lose. You make a loan and if they don't pay you keep the asset they were trying to pay for anyhow. It really is a win win for the investor. I would get a monthly check which I could keep or reinvest. Same problem though, it would be about 10K.

I just need to make and save enough money to do both because I think both are worth while. If I win the lottery, which is a pipe dream, I will take a huge chunk of the winnings and invest it with this hedge fund. Fuck it, I need to do what is good for me, so if I contradicted myself now, this is me saying, yes, yes I did.

I have adopted the attitude that if I want live comfortably, I can try my best to strike it rich, but I need to take it easy too. I have been working too hard for the last 10 years. Since I got out of high school, I went straight to college, I went every semester including summer sessions then I got a job. It has been non stop movement since senior year of high school.

So fuck you people who had mom and dad pay for their schooling. Then when they graduated they took a year off before getting a job to go visit fucking peru or some shit for a year. Fuck y'all. I am saying that because I am jealous - wish I could have been that person.

More Blather

I like my job, I am just afraid to lose it. I have been slacking off in the morning quite a considerate amount and I feel guilty doing it, it's just that I have been having a very hard time focusing or getting ready to work.

It isn't usually until after 13:00 where I can get any real work done. Really it comes down to crunch time or push comes to shove. When push comes to shove I am busting my ass, which is why I am or should be rewarded accordingly. I do work hard and I get everything done, I just don't do it on some sort of pre-defined schedule. It is all comfort for me. When I feel ready then I do it.

I have been pretty tired lately and I am afraid of my medical future.

I am not necessarily afraid of dying, I am afraid of dying for poor reasons. If I pass on right now, shit will suck for a lot of people. They can cash in on my 100K life insurance policy, but I am sure it is going to throw a bunch of shit out of whack.

Anyhow, I am going in for minor surgery and I am not thrilled about it.

I just don't want anymore health related bad news. I hate knowing that my contracting cancer has such a high probability. I am not happy about it. I am still trying to decide if I would bother with getting treatment if I were to have a serious case of cancer. I could go breaking bad and make a fortune in meth sales before I die, but where would I find a junky partner to help me? I guess that is a no go.

If I had some incurable form of cancer, I wouldn't bother trying to fight it. I would just put all my money in some good investments for my mother and wife and that would be that. Then I would continue working until I died.

Post

This is just a blather post. When I feel good or bad about anything I like to just think about my future.

After having my wedding at the end of this year, I am going to buckle down and get super serious about paying off my student loans. I have it all worked out, the plan of attack is to:

1. Pay off my federal loan first in two parts. First paying the subsidized loan down then...
2. Pay off the unsubsidized loan...
3. Take my monthly federal loan payment money and send it over to my provate loan.
4. Pay down the federal loan

I have six 5,000 dollar payments left for both loans to be paid off and I am not including my monthly payments in that figure. The monthly is just an added benefit.

I will feel free after paying down these loans. Then the money I have will truely be mine. I will worry less about paying off debts. I might even consider paying off my Lease in full so I don't have to worry about it.

There is only one small tiny dillema, my wife and I are going to try to buy a place to live. This eats up money badly because of inspections, down payments, fees and other crap that comes with the territory of wanting to own property. I am not incredibly excited about this venture because it might prevent me from paying down my student loans for another year. I just need to make sure I have enough money on hand for the occasion. I would much, much, much rather just save my money, but being a renter has its negatives.

My landlord is an idiot and is deep in debt. She made the fatal mistake of buying into this property when it was at its peak selling point which was a huge mistake. The greed of people is fucking amazing. They buy properties and then think they are special enough that someone else will pay them twice what they paid at an even more inflated price. WTF are people thinking? The nerve of people, it just makes me upset that they think it is okay.

Cat and Mouse

I think speed limits are bullshit. I think traffic cops giving people tickets for speeding is bullshit too. I did just get a ticket for speeding and I am not upset about it. I was caught doing it, it is a violation, I am going to pay my shitty fine for doing it. I am a firm believer that the rules were meant to be broken and it isn't illegal unless you are caught doing it. That beliefe is only for petty bullshit crimes. Molesting children, raping people, murder and theft are a different story. That shit is not okay. Unless you are stealing from the rich and giving to the poor.

Anyhow, I digress. I am not disputing the fact that I broke the law, I deserve the ticket because I got caught. However, I've said it before and I will say it again, I will never stop speeding, regardless of how many fucking speeding tickets I get. What I am upset about is the fact that this is some sort of bullshit rule to be concerned with. I didn't kill anyone. I didn't get into an accident. I was driving on an open stretch of uninhabited road with no one in front of me. The road was clear. I was doing 48 in a 30. It shouldn't be fucking 30, it should be 45 first off because it is 3 lanes wide and more like a fucking highway than a local road.

I didn't even see the cops, the fat fuckers standing there next to their cruisers with their goddamn radar gun pointed at unsuspecting drivers. I was in the far left lane and the pig got me at 48mph. The thing that really scares me is when these assholes walk out in front of your car to stop you and you don't see them. They are bold and dangerous.

I would have loved to hit them with my car if it would have been inconsequential, but unfortunately it isn't. Another thing I wish I could do is get stopped, let the fucking porker walk over to my car and speed away. Let them try to chase me, especially in suburbia, they would easily get lost or into a car accident trying to chase me. Fucking dipshit cock sucking assholes.

Luckily the cop that pulled me over was nice to me. I still got my shitty ticket, but he wasn't a prick like other piggies have been in the past. So thank you to that officer for being so polite and nearly apologetic. I think he could see that I was actually sorry. I will admit the only thing I am sorry about is getting caught.

My minimum speed is 60 mph most of the time because it is a comfortable speed to drive at. Not too fast, not too slow. However what people don't understand is there is a time and a place for speeding. I don't make an effort to speed, I only do it when the conditions are right.

In conclusion, I think these traffic cops should go get a real job stopping actual real crime. Not just giving people who are driving to and from work more fucking bills.

Status

I haven't made a post in a while, so I figure I would write a status post. I have been absurdly busy as of late with a shit ton of things.

First and foremost, my health. I went in for a stress test and I am fine. The cardiologist gave me a pass to go see the gastro, so that the gastro could shove a scope up my ass and now I find out down my mouth as well. Oh yay...

Now for the bad news. Aetna, my lovely health insurance does not cover this procedure unless you are 50, therefore I am required to pay a deductable of $1,500. This sucks big time.

The good news is I have insurance.
The best news is my crappy insurance is 100% payed for by my employer. I have never had such an amazing thing before. I will still complain about it, but I am very thankful that my employer pays for it fully.

Other Developments
I went to a plastic surgeon to talk to him about non-cosmetic rhinoplasty to get my nose corrected so I can actually fucking breath for once in my goddamn life. He said I was a candidate for surgery because he could see how bad I am.

Stellar OMG News
I apparently have been making 75K and I didn't know it at all. Even better I got a 10K bonus (about 7K after 30% tax rate) and I am getting a raise in salary to 79K. My employer is very happy with my work and they don't want me to leave. Therefore as an employer should do they super sweetened the deal and gave me a reward. Fuck my last employer, I don't want to go back and now I am 100% happy with my choice of leaving 7 months ago.

My old employer
One of the last knowledeable people on my team from my old job has quit and found a new job. My idiot manager is destitute and very worried. Fuck him. Loving the fact that it is crumbling.

Some-what Crappy News
I got another speeding ticket. This time I deserved it because I was indeed speeding. However what I find eerie is the fact that I got my first ticket back in July 13th 2011 for 17 mph over the limit and I got this ticket on July 09th 2012 for 18 mph. That is essentially a year apart for almost the same speed.

That is fucking conspiracy worthy.

Lastly
The money I made selling my car went right back from my pocket and into the yacht charter for my wedding. Easy come, easy go. So sad. Then I got my bonus which is only 1K off from what I paid the charter.

I bought my mom a TV for her birthday.

I need to buy two more expensive items and I will be finished with big expenses for a very long time. I will make my new big expenses paying down my student debt. I want to buy a radar detector and a new dual band hand held radio.

Homeland Security

I recently looked at a map of the world and it reminded me of why the United States of America is a super power. We are not to be taken lightly on a wordly scale, we will kill you. Now that being said, I have come to a new conclusion about a problem I have been having with the way our economy has been working. We are New-Rome. I am obviously not the first to have said this, but I think I am taking this from a different angle.

Our economic system is ridiculous. Without getting into intimate detail I will say that our economic system is ridiculous because we base a lot of it on China and other foreign countries. We ask China to do the grunt work for nothing money, as we stand by not thinking twice consuming their goods. Every American is guilty of this. Therefore my big conclusion is not that our economy is ridiculous and unsustainable or that we are New-Rome due for a collapse, but that Americans are bad people. At least on the East Coast. I feel guilty buying things at great low prices knowing that money is really funding corporations that are funding Chinese factories when that money could be helping people here.

Now I am not going skitzoid, I love my country, fuck you I am American through and through, but I can't help to feel just a little curious about how long all of this will last. I don't mean recession wise, I mean how the US is untouched by major disaster and problems in comparison to other countries. I am not going to feel bad for being successful and doing whatever I need to be well off, but I feel that our country is full of people who just want to self-indulge. Again, at least on the east coast.

I love going to Aventura mall, not to shop, but to watch the show. The show of all of these gaudy, flaunty and selfish people parading around with shopping bags as if it is some sort of competition as to who can be the most show-offy. I don't like or really trust people at first glance who dress like boat riding assholes.

Offshoring or Outsourcing

You take your pick of the fucking word you want to use to describe this. It doesn't matter because it always comes back to the same thing, an American is losing their job to someone else outside the country. This is a shit strategy and it isn't helping anyone. Often times offshoring jobs is actually a losing strategy because the people receiving the job don't do it well out of spite or they don't have a fucking clue as to what they are doing so it is done wrong or poorly.

I have heard the goddamn arguments for shipping developers' jobs to India too many times.

It usually sounds like: "For the price of one developer here I can get 2 or 3 Indian developers."

I always respond with: "Yeah and you will have two pay twice because you will have to pay for them to do the job wrong and then pay for someone to fix their shitty code."

I have decided that it makes more sense to offshore the jobs of CEOs because using the same asinie logic we can get a billion indian CEOs for the price of 1 American CEO.

It should be illegal to offshore our goddamn jobs, that way we can get our economy back on track. Fucking assholes running the big corporations in this country only care about their fucking wallets. If the middle class ever collapses, there will be civil war. We will fucking kill the Aristocrats of America for vengence.

I think I want to move away from Florida at one point, just to GTFO. I am so fucking tired of idiots running this state. It is painfully obvious that Florida needs to be broken up into North and South Florida. The North is ruled by biggoted white republicans, where as the South is ruled by a mixture of people who lean more towards Democratic ideals. The fucking idiotic republican Cubans down here can go back to Cuba for all I care.

I am now registered as nothing, I belong to a political party because both parties suck. I am a true Democrat, which is not what you see in our government today. Blue dog democrats are fucking republicans, so they don't count. I think our Government needs a party cleansing, this bicameral shit isn't working obviously. Then maybe we can regain our senses and think twice about outsourcing crucial American jobs.

There is a storm coming and that storm is a shit storm that is right in front of us. It is called CHINA'S ECONOMY. Just like there are housing bubbles, there are other types of economic bubbles. China is artificially controlling the power of their currency so everyone outside of China can get their shitty pieces of molded plastic at a lower price.

Think what you want, but it is approaching. How do you stop this kind of problem? The whole world is in trouble...

Health Insurance

I have Aetna POS health insurance which you would think really stands for Aetna Piece of Shit health insurance, but it stands for Aetna Point of Service. It is basically a HMO in disguise, the only real difference is that you can go to any doctor you want without a referral from your primary. So aside from my heart problems, which apparently aren't as bad as I thought anymore. I have Bradycardia and my heart stops in my sleep every now and then. Aetna cock blocked me for a Sleep Study because they are assholes, their criteria I kid you not is that I must be near death.


Anyhow, the fine people at Aetna have just fucked me out of $1,500 because I need to go get a Colonoscopy and a Upper GI Endoscopy done. Neither are covered for me unless I am 50 years of age or older. Therefore I must pay my out of pocket deductible. I have the money to pay for this, I can regenerate this loss in 1 month's time, but that isn't the fucking point. I don't think it is fair that I must be penalized for the stomach problems that I am having before 50. I don't know what kind of problem I am having with my stomach, but I am doing this procedure because I have blood in my stool, the stupid part is the blood isn't even visible. No streaking or anything, it isn't visible. Apparently this is worse. I am doing preventative maintenance, but apparently that is a no no for insurance companies.


So I am going to take this opportunity to fuck my insurance company by doing as many fucking procedures as I can after this procedure. I am going to a Dermatologist and besides the co-pay, it should all be 100% covered after this. I will go to an Allergist to get a food Allergy test done.

ATM Banking

She was taking too long... Inspired this post.

I don't understand people who think it is okay to do 50,000 different transactions at an ATM while they know someone is waiting behind them. For this reason I have taken this picture of said person who took about 8-10 minutes of her sweet time to perform a deposit, a withdrawal and a wicked game of angry birds all on the fucking bank ATM while I was waiting.

 Not even a fucking courtesy gesture to me of: "Hey, buddy, I need to do a billion transactions here at this ATM because I don't know what the internet is yet. That being the case would you like to go first?" She didn't do that, therefore she will me immortalized on my blog forever. Congrats, I hate you just for this. Otherwise, I thought she was pretty fine looking.

I mean seriously man, I only needed to deposit some fucking money! Everything else other than deposits and withdrawals I do online because I am a hermit and I hate people. I don't like leaving the safetey of the internet where I can troll people anonymously all day. Actually I don't do any of that normally. I do bitch though :-D

Concerts, Events and Seating

When I go to certain events, I like getting specific types of seating. For example, when I go to a rock concert, I want to be as close to the front as I can go. When I went to my first Iron Maiden concert I realized this when I was in the nose bleed section. The band looked like ants on stage, it sucked. When I went to see NIN, I got decent seats because I couldn't afford anything better. Unfortunately the assholes down in front stood up the whole time which made it impossible to stay seated. No matter how much people yelled at them to sit, they just danced around in their stupid airheaded blonde fashion. I told myself next time I would upgrade so that wouldn't happen again. I went to a Anthrax, Megadeth and Slayer concert. Got Awesome seats. Well worth the money, still had to stand unfortunately because people suck. The theater was out doors not much we could do about that. Went to Iron Maiden again, got better seats this time. Unfortunately not good enough, idiots still standing the entire duration of the concert. Additionally some asshole poured beer on me from the level above me. Called security on them, but still ruined my experience. My point is, I am trying to get box seats so I can stay the fuck away from people. If it isn't box, then it sucks. I hate having to deal with the inconsideration of others. I don't care what kind of concert it is, if I am not on the floor, then I don't want to deal with juvenile behavior especially if my tickets cost me 300+ dollars. I am going to see Louie CK live in November. I tried explaining to my friend that box seats are better especially since they are the same price as all seats in this particular scenario. He didn't get it. I explained to him 3 times why trying to get all of our seats together wasn't worth it because we would be giving up box seats in order to do so. He insisted we sit together, so now we have shitty seats in the back. Since it is not a rock concert I didn't fight with him. If it was I would have bought box for me and told him to figure it out.

Middle of the Road

I don't like encountering people who want to stay middle of the road for just about any topic. I hate that shit. I used to be like that and it just got to a point where it was IMPOSSIBLE to be middle of the road. Trying to make everyone happy is not a possibility, especially professionally, religiously or politically. Someone is going to get the short end of the stick and you need to know that and embrace it. Trying to be the nice guy in certain side oriented scenarios is just STUPID. Fuck that shit. Everyone has a stance whether they want to admit it or not, even the people who want to play middle of the road have a stance but don't want to fess up because they are afraid of what others might think of their stance.

That is why it pisses me off to meet people who are middle of the road on certain things. You can be ambivalent which is NOT the same as middle of the road. Being ambivalent about a topic is literally not giving a shit which is okay in my opinion. At least you are being honest in saying that you just don't care what happens to your country when you don't pay attention to current events cause you are a fucking retard. That is your right to have. If you don't want to consciously admit that shipping jobs off to India or China is bad for the US economy and stupid because India code is inferior code just because you met a few Indian programmers that were competent, then you are still a juvenile and are in denial of the truth.

If you can't just take a fucking stance, then what the hell do you stand for. Your opinions are meaningless and you will be left out of decision making.

Religion is a great example where a religious group demands that they are right about something. For example let's take the simple argument of the existence of god. Religious (Theists) people believe in the primitive concept of a god and Atheists do not. I haven't seen a smart Atheist go around preaching that god doesn't exist. I can't say the same for Theists. Now how can you be middle of the road on that? You can be Agnostic, but in my opinion I lump Agnostics in with Theists. So that aside, how do you get both sides to get along? Simple answer, YOU DON'T. Someone is wrong here and I decided that it is the Theists. My point is that you cannot be middle of the road about this, it is BLACK AND WHITE.

It amazes me that there are still adults who want to play nice with stupid ass arguments like this.

I am bitching about this because I was speaking to an ex-coworker of mine and at his office they have been outsourcing jobs. He asked me if I was happy with my decision of leaving, I said hell yes I was miserable there and they started to outsource the jobs I wouldn't be able to deal with that shitty India code. To which he has the gall to reply "I knew a lot of smart Indian guys." I'm sorry but does it take much critical thinking to realize that the fucking people I am speaking about are incompetent? This doesn't include all people from India, just the shitty operations who pull in any warm body with half a brain to do important programming work badly. So he was taking the middle of the road approach here because he is defending people he went to school with. Is this really a valid argument for saying that offshore code is good? Really? So just because he knew a few guys, all of the sins of these other ignoramuses is forgiven? I don't think so.

So he said we should talk later, it is obvious I upset him because I wouldn't letup on the point that outsourcing programming is a BAD fucking idea. It always is and always will be a bad idea because these fucking smug holier than cow attitudes that you get from India will always make those fucking rag head red dotted idiots think that what they are doing is "good" or worse yet, "excellent" code. These fucking idiots resent the fact that they make low wages and they take it out on their work by doing a quick and shitty job. They are fully aware of how bad their fucking code is. I've had my share of bad experiences with coders from India, fuck them.

Fucking ridiculous.