I am very tired of being misunderstood and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Between my chronic depression which can literally be set off by anything it seems and having people poking fun at me for just being myself I don't know how to deal with these things anymore. My thoughts of suicide have increased significantly and even though I am fully aware that what I am wigging out about is fairly minor in comparison to other much worse things (perspective) I still can't fight the thoughts from occurring. I don't want to have the thoughts they just occur, unwelcome and they make me more depressed when I think about them. So it is a vicious cycle. Unfortunately the depression and the thoughts come and go based on things I hear and experience. Key phrases or feelings kick off my feelings of depression and there is not much I can do about it.
The recurring theme at work as of late is people poke fun at me because of my pessimistic nature. I excel at honing in on problems and exposing everything about that problem. My best skill for my work is my worst people skill. People make me the butt of their jokes and I am not sure how to deal with it anymore.
To make matters worse my company has just implemented some touchy feely koolaid bullshit which is part of my companies graduation into corporate hood. They are turning into a monster and I am not sure how long I can live with it. They keep feeding us koolaid bullshit and I am very concerned that some people are going to start regurgitating that bullshit. When that happens you have a problem. The masses are indeed asses and therefore when I see koolaid corporate bullshit being fed to us, it worries me because it changes people. It changes them for the worst, not the better, it takes away from their individuality and makes them drones or zombies. I am not down with this corporate cult mentality it actually pisses me off.
This leads me to my bigger problem, I am not the type to fit into thought control or company koolaid. I will always think for myself and I will always point out when something is flat out wrong. This will be misconstrued as resistance or me being a negative person, when really I am telling the fucking truth about something and no one likes hearing the goddamn truth. However the corporate drones are being programmed right now to oust people like myself because I don't fit in. I am also supposed to fake how I am feeling according to the new corporate koolaid. We were literally instructed to fake our feelings. If we are not happy or we are having a personal problem we are supposed to suck it up and not display emotion. Therefore if you lost someone close to you, you had better come to work with a fucking smile otherwise you are being a negative anti-establishment prick. Do you have chronic depression and you periodically feel like killing yourself? Well leave that shit at home - no one cares how you are feeling, slap a smile on instead because it makes everyone else feel better.
These goddamn koolaid installments take a shit on common sense. Things that were already obvious are being taken to a fucking extreme and it is disgusting. The mere fact that employees are told to lie about how they are feeling is repugnant. Any psychologist will tell you that you should never bottle up how you are feeling, therefore having your company tell you to bottle up how you are feeling is absolutely shameful.
If you work in the service industry, then you don't have a fucking choice, you have to be pleasant otherwise you will lose your job pretty easily. I however do not have a fucking service job, I am a programmer. I write and engineer software. I am moving on to architecture. I don't speak to a customer, I speak to my colleagues. I love all of my colleagues and they love me, so why make a problem where there is no problem with this touchy feely bullshit.
I don't believe in corporate brainwash, they can kiss my ass.
If they want me to start repeating this horse shit, then they need to give me a 20% raise immediately. This company has an iron grip on their wallet and they do not want to give anyone raises which is disgusting. The hard work that we put into our product is not appreciated. Each review year we get shit on. I got a whopping 3% raise, 3 other people got raises and everyone else got nothing. I would feel guilty about getting that 3%, but I desperately needed it. I needed a fucking cost of living increase which I have not received for 2 and a half fucking years. I got my raise because I am the best at what I do in the office. I am literally the best developer in the office. I have been told this repeatedly and I know it too.
The biggest slap in the face is the fucking brass, the CEO and his cronies, don't follow any of the fucking rules they set themselves. Lead by example goddamn it - how dare you tell your subordinates that they must do and say certain things when you yourself do not do them. HYPOCRISY. It makes me sick. They have these fucking bullshit sayings, 5 of them and they do not adhere to any of them. It really makes me upset. I can't stand this level of hypocrisy.
I told my boss that I do not have any level of trust for the brass. He didn't like that, but I don't know what else to feel about a bunch of jack asses who don't seem to care about us. They don't support our achievements and they don't acknowledge our hard work or dedication. We bust our asses, but instead we are given shit to eat instead of raises and then told to smile more? What in the actual fuck is wrong with corporate America?
The next few months will be interesting indeed.
If I am scrutinized in any way for being myself, I may have to start looking for a new job. I think the next place I go I will have to aim very high. I am actually thinking Microsoft. I have an in already, I just need to work on it. It's about who you know, then what you know.
Fucking corporate cult culture sickens me.
