Status

I keep going into depressive states on a pretty regular cycle. I keep wondering why should I even fucking bother any more? Why should I try? What am I working towards? I think the only way I will truly be happy is if I make a certain figure of money so that I can handle major disasters which as of late have all been giant financial blunders. My fucking roof needs to be replaced, I need to get fumigated and I need house's exterior painted. All that shit costs money.

I want to stop working so hard to just lose all of my money every couple of years. I want to be able to enjoy myself and relax. Go do whatever I want, spend money without worry. I am in a constant state of worry. I am afraid of all of life's fucking surprises. I want stability.

The only way I can see a way of getting stability is to make more money. I don't see another option.

I keep getting into very depressive states, I keep thinking about suicide and it isn't because of the money. It is because I don't see a goddamn point anymore. We are all going to get old and die anyhow. Why try? Why bother? For some artificial purpose? To make other people happy? Wtf. Fuck other people - it seems as if everything is always for the comfort and benefit of others. I'm tired of this shit. I can't enjoy myself 12/24 hours of the day for 5/7 days at a time. My fucking life is relegated to living on the weekends 104 days out of 365 days a year. Time is moving so fast that I can't keep up. How do I stay happy, healthy, advance my career, enjoy my friends and family all at the same time?

Fuck. I fucking hate this shit.

This is why I play the lotto - maybe... Just maybe all this can cease one day.

I am in the process of seeking help for my mental state. Just need to go see a shrink.

Being the Butt of Jokes

I am very tired of being misunderstood and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Between my chronic depression which can literally be set off by anything it seems and having people poking fun at me for just being myself I don't know how to deal with these things anymore. My thoughts of suicide have increased significantly and even though I am fully aware that what I am wigging out about is fairly minor in comparison to other much worse things (perspective) I still can't fight the thoughts from occurring. I don't want to have the thoughts they just occur, unwelcome and they make me more depressed when I think about them. So it is a vicious cycle. Unfortunately the depression and the thoughts come and go based on things I hear and experience. Key phrases or feelings kick off my feelings of depression and there is not much I can do about it.

The recurring theme at work as of late is people poke fun at me because of my pessimistic nature. I excel at honing in on problems and exposing everything about that problem. My best skill for my work is my worst people skill. People make me the butt of their jokes and I am not sure how to deal with it anymore.

To make matters worse my company has just implemented some touchy feely koolaid bullshit which is part of my companies graduation into corporate hood. They are turning into a monster and I am not sure how long I can live with it. They keep feeding us koolaid bullshit and I am very concerned that some people are going to start regurgitating that bullshit. When that happens you have a problem. The masses are indeed asses and therefore when I see koolaid corporate bullshit being fed to us, it worries me because it changes people. It changes them for the worst, not the better, it takes away from their individuality and makes them drones or zombies. I am not down with this corporate cult mentality it actually pisses me off.

This leads me to my bigger problem, I am not the type to fit into thought control or company koolaid. I will always think for myself and I will always point out when something is flat out wrong. This will be misconstrued as resistance or me being a negative person, when really I am telling the fucking truth about something and no one likes hearing the goddamn truth. However the corporate drones are being programmed right now to oust people like myself because I don't fit in. I am also supposed to fake how I am feeling according to the new corporate koolaid. We were literally instructed to fake our feelings. If we are not happy or we are having a personal problem we are supposed to suck it up and not display emotion. Therefore if you lost someone close to you, you had better come to work with a fucking smile otherwise you are being a negative anti-establishment prick. Do you have chronic depression and you periodically feel like killing yourself? Well leave that shit at home - no one cares how you are feeling, slap a smile on instead because it makes everyone else feel better.

These goddamn koolaid installments take a shit on common sense. Things that were already obvious are being taken to a fucking extreme and it is disgusting. The mere fact that employees are told to lie about how they are feeling is repugnant. Any psychologist will tell you that you should never bottle up how you are feeling, therefore having your company tell you to bottle up how you are feeling is absolutely shameful.

If you work in the service industry, then you don't have a fucking choice, you have to be pleasant otherwise you will lose your job pretty easily. I however do not have a fucking service job, I am a programmer. I write and engineer software. I am moving on to architecture. I don't speak to a customer, I speak to my colleagues. I love all of my colleagues and they love me, so why make a problem where there is no problem with this touchy feely bullshit.

I don't believe in corporate brainwash, they can kiss my ass.

If they want me to start repeating this horse shit, then they need to give me a 20% raise immediately. This company has an iron grip on their wallet and they do not want to give anyone raises which is disgusting. The hard work that we put into our product is not appreciated. Each review year we get shit on. I got a whopping 3% raise, 3 other people got raises and everyone else got nothing. I would feel guilty about getting that 3%, but I desperately needed it. I needed a fucking cost of living increase which I have not received for 2 and a half fucking years. I got my raise because I am the best at what I do in the office. I am literally the best developer in the office. I have been told this repeatedly and I know it too.

The biggest slap in the face is the fucking brass, the CEO and his cronies, don't follow any of the fucking rules they set themselves. Lead by example goddamn it - how dare you tell your subordinates that they must do and say certain things when you yourself do not do them. HYPOCRISY. It makes me sick. They have these fucking bullshit sayings, 5 of them and they do not adhere to any of them. It really makes me upset. I can't stand this level of hypocrisy.

I told my boss that I do not have any level of trust for the brass. He didn't like that, but I don't know what else to feel about a bunch of jack asses who don't seem to care about us. They don't support our achievements and they don't acknowledge our hard work or dedication. We bust our asses, but instead we are given shit to eat instead of raises and then told to smile more? What in the actual fuck is wrong with corporate America?

The next few months will be interesting indeed.

If I am scrutinized in any way for being myself, I may have to start looking for a new job. I think the next place I go I will have to aim very high. I am actually thinking Microsoft. I have an in already, I just need to work on it. It's about who you know, then what you know.

Fucking corporate cult culture sickens me.

The Human Condition

It has taken me a long time to finally pin point the root cause of what makes me hate certain people. There are people who cannot admit fault and delegate it instead and then there are people who think they are the only ones who suffer from the human condition. I hate both of these people and they are both very unreliable.

People who think they are the way only ones who suffer from the human condition are selfish assholes who cannot be trusted. They will do whatever it takes to live comfortably. Regardless of whether or not that means they are going to hurt people or not. They run away from responsibility and they hide from their problems. It is easier for them to not have to confront reality and run from it instead.

They are the type of people looking to have the beach life without earning it. They want to be kept for free while others do back breaking labor to keep them alive. They don't want to earn their keep they want to live like royalty. They want to do what they want when they want otherwise you are a downer, negative and miserable. You kill their vibe man...

Stupid fucking users.

People who think they are the only ones who suffer from the human condition are the most selfish person possible. Fuck these people, they are the scourge of a community and should be kicked out to fend on their own.

Lost

I feel quite lost at the moment. It just kind of sprang up out of no where. I was fine for a while then I started getting depressed. Probably because I was working very hard the last three weeks. Working 9am-12am and later for three weeks.

I am trying to reevaluate what I want right now.
I want to build things right now I am in a builders mood. I think I will fix up my backyard as much as I can without breaking the bank. I'm focused on some of the smaller things. Right now I am anxious about a few things. My wife isn't bringing in a great income because of the job she has right now so I am all butterflies over it. I think I will be better when that is sorted out.

Aside from that, now that my student loans are paid off in full I am looking at what to do next. I want to tackle large house projects but I am not sure how yet. I refuse to run lean savings because it is stupid and unsafe. I want to get certain house projects done and then I will just hoard my money for retirement and emergencies.

I want to do the following:
Pay off car loan after lease is up
Fix roof
Get gutters
Fix kitchen
Fix backyard
Fix front yard
Fix various small items inside the house

I am worried about obsessing over making payments for things, so I will try to take it in stride.

I need to focus more on tinkering and doing things with my time and money that make me happy.

I'm just anxious right now. I don't have any other reason to be unhappy.

Regret

It's funny to see people I knew from highschool and college going through the regret phase of their life. I was the person who warned about certain things in life and what to expect and I was ignored outright for the most part. People who lived in the now aka Optimists. People who relaxed too much and didn't want to worry about things that inconvenienced them or made them uncomfortable.

I am a self proclaimed realist. Some people call me a pessimist and I say that's fine, they are wrong, but okay I will accept that title. I am a realist because I know when to be optimistic and positive, but I know when not to be also and I will be pessimistic and negative. It all depends on what the situation calls for.

Anyhow I hate optimists because they are usually carefree unreliable idiots.

Case in point all of the people who are feeling major regret of their choices in life at this point right now. People who went against the grain of safety and lost. People who are now jealous and envious of others for doing the right thing in the fucking first place. In other words people jealous and envious of me. I don't hate them, but I am unable to speak to them or interact with them without those people melting down in front of me. Usually goes like this, "Wow... You have a home, you are married with no children and you are doing well from what it seems." They then look depressed and broken. I think to myself, "Yeah sorry you still work at star bucks, not my fucking fault or problem." I don't want to hurt their feelings, but it is true.

Those same carefree types are paying for their bullshit optimistic rose colored live in the now view on life and I don't feel bad for them at all. I worked hard to be where I am. You reap what you sow.

Funny how I was right.

Bitches.

Status

Things have been looking up for me. My wife has a job working with me. Her side business is doing relatively okay and I have finally paid off all of my student debt. Good riddance. I need a rebuild or a recuperation period to get my funds back together.

After I am comfortable I am going to repair my roof, which includes replacing a skylight and fixing a bad patch of roof. I need to finish building out my kitchen. Doing a small redesign, doing the whole thing for less than 1K. I need to redo my back yard and front yard.

I have my car loan left to deal with and I am on the fence about just paying it off outright or taking an auto loan to finance the rest of it. I have a lease which I am going to buy out. I don't want bills anymore. I can put that 229/Mo and put it to great use.

That is literally the last bill I will have in terms of loans.

I will then focus on retirement funds. I have gotten my timing worked out at work so now I am 80% vested in my 401K that opened in April. Not thrilled about doing that but I did after my first loan was paid off. I paid off my second loan in September. 26K down the drain. Fucking education in this country is a sham. Anyhow... Moving forward I just want to fix up my house. I want a place where I can rest very comfortably.

Blah

I have been MIA for a while but not dead. Life for me since the last time I have posted has been nuts. I finally got my nose/breathing problem corrected. It has turned out to be as good as I imagined it. I went from not being able to breath for 20 years to no problems whatsoever. My depressive states have dissolved, I get depressed but not the same way anymore. The delivery of oxygen to my brain has increased and I can feel the difference. I wake up rested and I no longer have dizzy spells in the morning.

I have dealt with a lot of crazy shit after that - a lot of weird crap happened to a coworker of mine. I don't feel like getting into it. The point is it robbed me of $200 bucks and my three day labor day weekend. Some people just can't be helped, it is sad.

My AC went dead and that has stopped me from getting my private student loan paid off. I will do it but I am waiting for the dust to settle. I got a new AC installed - wow what a difference 18 years of improvements makes. It runs like a dream - incredible. Set me back 3K, luckily only 3K because I got a discount through my company. Big win.

I have damaged my elbow and knee - I gained the injuries while weight training. One injury was my fault, the other was not. I need to go to an orthopedic surgeon to get MRIs taken. Then I might need surgery to correct the problems. It's always something.

My whole world right now revolves around money. I need to regroup my money so I can continue fixing problems in my house. I am planning to build up enough funds so I can start thinking about retirement building. I also need enough cash to pay off my car's buyout price. Luckily I don't need to worry about that for a little bit.

I will reach stability eventually - I am making it happen.

My next lending adventure is with HELOCs. The necessary evil of owning a home.

Until next time!

Blah Goggles

I have been feeling blah. I feel a combination of tired, nauseated and oddly enough supremely motivated. My motivation is being limited though because it is only as great as my accomplishments and progress.

I have finally overcome my fear of failure regarding hardware, I was afraid to waste time with something that might go no where. I came to terms with my reality and accepted that I could possibly be a nine to fiver for the rest of my life. In other words I have NOTHING to lose! I have been too afraid to fail, but I was already failing because I didn't even try yet.

I am going to pour my life and time into getting a creation of mine off the ground. I will do it alone and that is final. I cannot trust other people to help me - I am tired if working on things for others. I need to get this show on the road.

I am giddy with excitement because I know I can nail this creation, I just need the FUCKING time!

Time is always the limiter, but I will find a way. I will overcome this mountain too and all other cliche problems that stand in my way. I will stay focused and I will do my best to stay positive.

Personal Insanity

I finally figured out what exactly has been bothering me. I figured out what the epitome of my depression is aside from other usual and unavoidable triggers.

My whole life all I ever wanted was to be left alone so I could go do whatever I wanted without being bothered. My mother would annoy me to do this and that for her, no regard for what I wanted. My father was an oppressive piece of shit forcing his ideals and religion on me. I hated school and the people in it. I hated everyone. I still hate everyone. I just couldn't wait to get out... Like a long prison sentence - I served my time. I even went to college and got myself into a good chunk of debt just like I was instructed to do by society.

I went on to get a job. All the outside annoyances are gone, the pressure of school is gone. The idiot peers mostly gone. I was supposed to have more time to do what I wanted to do.

Now I find myself a slave to work, keeping in physical shape and trying to find a balance between work and play.

I want to do side projects so I can eliminate the the fear of not having tried hard enough to make my mark. I am deathly afraid of getting to a point and an age where I will be laid off and be in jeopardy of losing everything near and dear to me. I want to have financial stability and a big enough parachute where I will be afforded enough time to find a job and stay employed for a long time. Mostly I want financial freedom - meaning not being a slave to my job. I want to invent and sell things or ideas. I want to be financially independent.

When I feel that I have achieved what I am looking for I will give in to speaking to my friends and hanging out with people wasting time doing nothing with them. Until that point I can't shake the guilt of not trying harder to find an out - getting out of the rat race.

I see too many people complacent with their situation, some quietly can feel at ease because they have a fallback or a free ride. I have no such thing and it makes me angry due to jealousy of their unearned handout. I never got a fucking handout. Where's my fallback? Where's my freebie?

I play the lottery twice a week and I work on ideas to see if I can get somewhere with them.

I finally broke out of my shell and I have started working with micro controllers again. I am determined to succeed until I fail. If I fail I will collect my paycheck and try something else until I succeed.

TSA

Ahhh TSA, let me count the ways I hate thee. Another TSA story for the stack. In line and got my stuff on the conveyor belt, then everyone from my lane and the adjacent lane are told to pick their stuff up and move to the last line on the right. They were shutting down those two lanes. How about next time they do that before people have their shit on the conveyor belt? Or finish with the people that are there already.

I get to the scanner, they find nothing as always... Then as my luck would have it they don't consider my surface pro 2 a tablet because I have a Bluetooth keyboard with it. "Sir you have to take out your laptop", " it's not a laptop... Its a surface aka a tablet", "we have to run this again.", " Okay... sure...."

They run my tablet, bag and keyboard through again - still find nothing.

Sigh...good job guys. This is especially stupid since I followed the rules and this didn't happen on my flight here. I passed everything through as is and I had no problems.

TSA you silly

Gym

I find the gym to be therapeutic, but at the same time I find myself in a love hate relationship with the gym. I think it is great for the most part, but then there are days where I don't want to go at all. I am either too tired or demotivated to even try. I especially hate it when I go to the gym and it is packed to the brim with people. That is particularly frustrating.

I was thinking about quitting, but then I wouldn't be building muscle like I have been doing. I have gained 15 pounds of muscle. I have maintained my waist size through the whole journey. I am lifting more weight than ever and now I can't even progress due to some injuries I caused to myself and because I don't have a spotter. Every time I increment my weight it gets harder to maintain as in lifting the weight to use it before I can even perform the main exercise.

I don't know what my aim is anymore. I still want to join a boxing gym. I want to learn self defense. As I am now I can probably hurt someone pretty bad, but the people I keep running into know martial arts of some form or another. I find that to be annoying.

I might visit a nutritionist at one point to learn more about how I should be eating.

The human body is a giant chemistry set and you can play around with it and see what results you get. It's both fun and terrifying.

I gave myself iron poisoning recently because I was eating too much kale. I had no idea that was even possible. I had stomach cramps and extreme bloating for a long while.

Kevin Smith

I love Kevin Smith. I have been watching Kevin smith grow as a director and all that since before it was a fad. I knew of his films and watched every one of them before they were even popular. One of my favorite things to watch is when he is on stage, the first one I saw was "An Evening With Kevin Smith", I grew great respect for him - I loved Kevin Smith even more then.

The years went on and I saw that he was going through some shit and I started to grow a dislike for him, he was going through an arrogance phase. I watched his recent stand up or as he calls it Q&A, and whatever funk he was going through he is finished with it. He was himself again and very inspirational.

He is a word smith and I love how he just doesn't care about what anyone thinks for the most part. He will take on a challenge, but for the most part he is a laid back guy. I have a lot if respect for him and I am very grateful for his words of encouragement.

His most recent Q&A is called (that I know of) "Burn in Hell Kevin Smith". It was fucking awesome and I feel pumped up. I feel like I can conquer the world after listening to him speak.

This has led me to realize that motivational speaking is something I think I will use to stay inspired and motivated. I have a huge problem with motivation. My motivation comes then goes and stays away for a long time. That is largely in part to my mental and physical health.

I need to get my physical health in check before I bother with mental. My breathing problems and apnea are contributors to my mental state. The lack of oxygen saturation is not helping, my lack of good rest depresses me. These things kill my motivation. I am eating correctly and I weigh proper. I am stringer than I have ever been. I just need to get my breathing under control.

I have so many ideas, I have so many things I want to do and try to sell. I want success, not even fame, I just want fucking success.

Fuck Jenny McCarthy

Jenny McCarthy can go to hell and die. She is a giant walking contradiction. This stupid bitch decided that she was going to slam vaccinations and put an evil spin on them by saying they cause autism. That's not what I am slamming her for, I am slamming her for endorsing Blu eCigs cigarettes. This makes her a fucking hypocrite. She will give vaccines a bad wrap but she will say it is okay to suck down nicotine? She is okay with second hand smoke or vapor in this case.

I am shocked that there isn't more revolving around this. So yeah fuck this bitch.

The Impossible

I don't understand how people can say all nonchalantly that putting away some money in this or that investment is what you SHOULD be doing when I am finding it difficult to put any money away between making improvements to my house, I'm not talking about lavish things - I mean important repairs, and paying for things in life such as health related costs or student debt.

I just got an estimate yesterday for replacing my A/C and it will run me 6400. Wow just like that, pull that money out of my ass right? I have one more student loan which is going to run me about 12-13K after my monthly installments. Meanwhile there is a good possibility that I will have to foot more bills if my wife can't meet her end of things. Fuck me right?

Anyhow as usual I think of the future. I want to get to a point where I will have more income than I know what to do with. I don't want to worry about this or that expense. I want to be fucking rich. I want to give away my excess funds to other people of my choosing. That is what I want. I am dying to sit down and learn the things I want to learn and do. I want to go back to school. That is currently an impossibility. I can't pull 22K out of my ass. That's what grad school will run me.

I am still playing the lotto... Who knows.

Oh go fuck yourself

I am really fucking tired of two things. I am tired of people telling me how to code and I am tired of people telling me that I didn't work enough hours in a month.

I don't want anyone to tell me that I did something wrong in code unless I actually did something wrong. Recently I created a replacement class for an existing class in order to gradually and iteratively replace the old class's contents. The old class was written very poorly. My new class is only used by new code and it is cleaner than the old code. I was given shit for doing it, I was told I was wrong for creating this new class without asking. Well fuck you I don't ask for permission to improve things carefully. I didn't outright replace anything I surgically implanted a better way we can gradually move over to. Don't insult me.

I was given shit for using an abstract class. I cannot believe the reasoning either. Too complicated and over engineered I was told. Again fuck you, I put this in place because we had one page trying to implement two different modes. Those modes were smeared all over the fucking page using if statements, the same fucking if statement over and over. That calls for a factory pattern - this is not negotiable.

Lastly I am tired of companies saying they want you to enter hours for your tasks. Then they have the balls to say you didn't work enough hours if you don't reach a magic number in a month. Forget about the number of interruptions and meetings you had apparently none of that matters.

I am very agitated right now.

The grand awakening

I am finally getting recognition regarding my predictions and warnings. I have explained to my bosses numerous times what our main issues are and I was ignored time and time again because the business has to dictate how shit is run. We'll when your business is comprised of a bunch of old white guys who use Iphones because they are friendly devices - can you really trust their judgment?

So anyhow all of my predictions are staring us in the face. I keep pushing for changes and we are excelling.

The next unfortunate but very real goal is to get many many people laid off by improving software. Once the software can reliably run itself through automating key mundane processes; a very large number of people will be laid off. It is horrible but true.

Justification

Everything I have been complaining about for a very long time at work has finally come to a head. I am very happy now because all the nay sayers and people telling me I am negative have egg on their faces. I am doing my "told you so" to everyone now and it feels good.

Getting my boss to see how poor the accounting project is - is absolutely delightful.

Now we are under strict orders to get our application stabilized. Bunch of fuck tards who wouldn't let us fix the application before are demanding it now. All this panic mentality is stupid. Corporations who are reactive instead of proactive are retarded. Plain and simple.

Blah

I am very close to my pay off goal. It will be like I am giving myself a raise which is nice. I am looking forward to having that 145 a month back.

Then I need to avalanche the income into killing the next loan which I know I can do I just need to save myself the stress of doing it back to back. I don't want to not give myself any joy while I am doing this crap.

I am 2.8K away from my goal. I have another 14K to drill through next. It is going to suck. Then I have my car loan. I will be buying out my lease and keeping the car for as long as reasonably possible.

I will get back ~500 a month which will be nice.

I will then start financing and working on my hardware projects.

I still have house projects I need to do but they can realistically wait.

I need to go on a vacation soon.

Retirement Accounts are unfair bullshit

Dear government,

Fuck you. Fuck you for being unfair douchebags when it comes to early disbursements. When someone is afraid that the fucking idiots managing their money are going to lose all of it because the people running the company are stealing from the company itself. I think it is a very valid and rational fear to have that your company might do something weird with your 401K funds if they are already embezzling money from the company.

Fuck you government for double taxation. Fuck you for charging penalties and fees on bullshit that a normal person would never see coming.

Don't give people the option to claim exemptions if you are going to charge them a penalty during tax season for claiming those exemptions. That is unfair bullshit. Don't tell me I didn't pay enough taxes during the year when the fucking deal is that I just need to pay you what I owe at the end of the year. That is theft.

Fuck you government for fucking people over for doing an early disbursements by fining them for the early disbursement - then taxing them on top of that. By my fucking logic if I didn't have the 401K and I kept the money then you would only take out normal taxes. That is theft and very unfair especially when the fucking penalty is essentially equal to the tax amount. That's fucked up.

Fuck you IRS and fuck you government for not reforming the tax code and going after the real criminals such as big box companies who are evading taxes.

I Fucking understand why people cheat their taxes now because of bullshit like this. Fucking unfair bullshit. Pretax my ass. Go fuck yourselves.

Light and the end of the tunnel

I have been saving up my money for some time now. I am about 3 months away from having enough to pay off one of my loans. Unfortunately boulders are being thrown my way as usual. I apparently have to deal with the renewal of my flood insurance I found out yesterday. An unexpected 477 bill that apparently won't be covered completely by escrow. I am now faced with a somewhat crappy decision. I can either pay for this out of escrow by putting in the difference or pay the whole thing off in one shot.

I am leaning towards paying it off in one shot then paying my bill as I would regularly. That way I make more of a dent in my mortgage per month. Not fun, but doable.

Anyhoo... I will have one loan dead by April, then I take a break and start on the next loan. I will have an extra 144 each month to help me make it.

Once I kill my second loan I will work on my car loan.

Once I kill my car loan I move on to my home loan.

The home loan will have to be a longer set goal. In addition to paying monthly bill I will figure out a number that will help me bring it down. I will open a 401K when my two loans are paid off and plan out my car loan which is much smaller and a ways off.

I want to be debt free, that will make me happy.