Blah Goggles

I have been feeling blah. I feel a combination of tired, nauseated and oddly enough supremely motivated. My motivation is being limited though because it is only as great as my accomplishments and progress.

I have finally overcome my fear of failure regarding hardware, I was afraid to waste time with something that might go no where. I came to terms with my reality and accepted that I could possibly be a nine to fiver for the rest of my life. In other words I have NOTHING to lose! I have been too afraid to fail, but I was already failing because I didn't even try yet.

I am going to pour my life and time into getting a creation of mine off the ground. I will do it alone and that is final. I cannot trust other people to help me - I am tired if working on things for others. I need to get this show on the road.

I am giddy with excitement because I know I can nail this creation, I just need the FUCKING time!

Time is always the limiter, but I will find a way. I will overcome this mountain too and all other cliche problems that stand in my way. I will stay focused and I will do my best to stay positive.

Personal Insanity

I finally figured out what exactly has been bothering me. I figured out what the epitome of my depression is aside from other usual and unavoidable triggers.

My whole life all I ever wanted was to be left alone so I could go do whatever I wanted without being bothered. My mother would annoy me to do this and that for her, no regard for what I wanted. My father was an oppressive piece of shit forcing his ideals and religion on me. I hated school and the people in it. I hated everyone. I still hate everyone. I just couldn't wait to get out... Like a long prison sentence - I served my time. I even went to college and got myself into a good chunk of debt just like I was instructed to do by society.

I went on to get a job. All the outside annoyances are gone, the pressure of school is gone. The idiot peers mostly gone. I was supposed to have more time to do what I wanted to do.

Now I find myself a slave to work, keeping in physical shape and trying to find a balance between work and play.

I want to do side projects so I can eliminate the the fear of not having tried hard enough to make my mark. I am deathly afraid of getting to a point and an age where I will be laid off and be in jeopardy of losing everything near and dear to me. I want to have financial stability and a big enough parachute where I will be afforded enough time to find a job and stay employed for a long time. Mostly I want financial freedom - meaning not being a slave to my job. I want to invent and sell things or ideas. I want to be financially independent.

When I feel that I have achieved what I am looking for I will give in to speaking to my friends and hanging out with people wasting time doing nothing with them. Until that point I can't shake the guilt of not trying harder to find an out - getting out of the rat race.

I see too many people complacent with their situation, some quietly can feel at ease because they have a fallback or a free ride. I have no such thing and it makes me angry due to jealousy of their unearned handout. I never got a fucking handout. Where's my fallback? Where's my freebie?

I play the lottery twice a week and I work on ideas to see if I can get somewhere with them.

I finally broke out of my shell and I have started working with micro controllers again. I am determined to succeed until I fail. If I fail I will collect my paycheck and try something else until I succeed.

TSA

Ahhh TSA, let me count the ways I hate thee. Another TSA story for the stack. In line and got my stuff on the conveyor belt, then everyone from my lane and the adjacent lane are told to pick their stuff up and move to the last line on the right. They were shutting down those two lanes. How about next time they do that before people have their shit on the conveyor belt? Or finish with the people that are there already.

I get to the scanner, they find nothing as always... Then as my luck would have it they don't consider my surface pro 2 a tablet because I have a Bluetooth keyboard with it. "Sir you have to take out your laptop", " it's not a laptop... Its a surface aka a tablet", "we have to run this again.", " Okay... sure...."

They run my tablet, bag and keyboard through again - still find nothing.

Sigh...good job guys. This is especially stupid since I followed the rules and this didn't happen on my flight here. I passed everything through as is and I had no problems.

TSA you silly

Gym

I find the gym to be therapeutic, but at the same time I find myself in a love hate relationship with the gym. I think it is great for the most part, but then there are days where I don't want to go at all. I am either too tired or demotivated to even try. I especially hate it when I go to the gym and it is packed to the brim with people. That is particularly frustrating.

I was thinking about quitting, but then I wouldn't be building muscle like I have been doing. I have gained 15 pounds of muscle. I have maintained my waist size through the whole journey. I am lifting more weight than ever and now I can't even progress due to some injuries I caused to myself and because I don't have a spotter. Every time I increment my weight it gets harder to maintain as in lifting the weight to use it before I can even perform the main exercise.

I don't know what my aim is anymore. I still want to join a boxing gym. I want to learn self defense. As I am now I can probably hurt someone pretty bad, but the people I keep running into know martial arts of some form or another. I find that to be annoying.

I might visit a nutritionist at one point to learn more about how I should be eating.

The human body is a giant chemistry set and you can play around with it and see what results you get. It's both fun and terrifying.

I gave myself iron poisoning recently because I was eating too much kale. I had no idea that was even possible. I had stomach cramps and extreme bloating for a long while.

Kevin Smith

I love Kevin Smith. I have been watching Kevin smith grow as a director and all that since before it was a fad. I knew of his films and watched every one of them before they were even popular. One of my favorite things to watch is when he is on stage, the first one I saw was "An Evening With Kevin Smith", I grew great respect for him - I loved Kevin Smith even more then.

The years went on and I saw that he was going through some shit and I started to grow a dislike for him, he was going through an arrogance phase. I watched his recent stand up or as he calls it Q&A, and whatever funk he was going through he is finished with it. He was himself again and very inspirational.

He is a word smith and I love how he just doesn't care about what anyone thinks for the most part. He will take on a challenge, but for the most part he is a laid back guy. I have a lot if respect for him and I am very grateful for his words of encouragement.

His most recent Q&A is called (that I know of) "Burn in Hell Kevin Smith". It was fucking awesome and I feel pumped up. I feel like I can conquer the world after listening to him speak.

This has led me to realize that motivational speaking is something I think I will use to stay inspired and motivated. I have a huge problem with motivation. My motivation comes then goes and stays away for a long time. That is largely in part to my mental and physical health.

I need to get my physical health in check before I bother with mental. My breathing problems and apnea are contributors to my mental state. The lack of oxygen saturation is not helping, my lack of good rest depresses me. These things kill my motivation. I am eating correctly and I weigh proper. I am stringer than I have ever been. I just need to get my breathing under control.

I have so many ideas, I have so many things I want to do and try to sell. I want success, not even fame, I just want fucking success.

Fuck Jenny McCarthy

Jenny McCarthy can go to hell and die. She is a giant walking contradiction. This stupid bitch decided that she was going to slam vaccinations and put an evil spin on them by saying they cause autism. That's not what I am slamming her for, I am slamming her for endorsing Blu eCigs cigarettes. This makes her a fucking hypocrite. She will give vaccines a bad wrap but she will say it is okay to suck down nicotine? She is okay with second hand smoke or vapor in this case.

I am shocked that there isn't more revolving around this. So yeah fuck this bitch.

The Impossible

I don't understand how people can say all nonchalantly that putting away some money in this or that investment is what you SHOULD be doing when I am finding it difficult to put any money away between making improvements to my house, I'm not talking about lavish things - I mean important repairs, and paying for things in life such as health related costs or student debt.

I just got an estimate yesterday for replacing my A/C and it will run me 6400. Wow just like that, pull that money out of my ass right? I have one more student loan which is going to run me about 12-13K after my monthly installments. Meanwhile there is a good possibility that I will have to foot more bills if my wife can't meet her end of things. Fuck me right?

Anyhow as usual I think of the future. I want to get to a point where I will have more income than I know what to do with. I don't want to worry about this or that expense. I want to be fucking rich. I want to give away my excess funds to other people of my choosing. That is what I want. I am dying to sit down and learn the things I want to learn and do. I want to go back to school. That is currently an impossibility. I can't pull 22K out of my ass. That's what grad school will run me.

I am still playing the lotto... Who knows.