Status

I keep going into depressive states on a pretty regular cycle. I keep wondering why should I even fucking bother any more? Why should I try? What am I working towards? I think the only way I will truly be happy is if I make a certain figure of money so that I can handle major disasters which as of late have all been giant financial blunders. My fucking roof needs to be replaced, I need to get fumigated and I need house's exterior painted. All that shit costs money.

I want to stop working so hard to just lose all of my money every couple of years. I want to be able to enjoy myself and relax. Go do whatever I want, spend money without worry. I am in a constant state of worry. I am afraid of all of life's fucking surprises. I want stability.

The only way I can see a way of getting stability is to make more money. I don't see another option.

I keep getting into very depressive states, I keep thinking about suicide and it isn't because of the money. It is because I don't see a goddamn point anymore. We are all going to get old and die anyhow. Why try? Why bother? For some artificial purpose? To make other people happy? Wtf. Fuck other people - it seems as if everything is always for the comfort and benefit of others. I'm tired of this shit. I can't enjoy myself 12/24 hours of the day for 5/7 days at a time. My fucking life is relegated to living on the weekends 104 days out of 365 days a year. Time is moving so fast that I can't keep up. How do I stay happy, healthy, advance my career, enjoy my friends and family all at the same time?

Fuck. I fucking hate this shit.

This is why I play the lotto - maybe... Just maybe all this can cease one day.

I am in the process of seeking help for my mental state. Just need to go see a shrink.

Being the Butt of Jokes

I am very tired of being misunderstood and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Between my chronic depression which can literally be set off by anything it seems and having people poking fun at me for just being myself I don't know how to deal with these things anymore. My thoughts of suicide have increased significantly and even though I am fully aware that what I am wigging out about is fairly minor in comparison to other much worse things (perspective) I still can't fight the thoughts from occurring. I don't want to have the thoughts they just occur, unwelcome and they make me more depressed when I think about them. So it is a vicious cycle. Unfortunately the depression and the thoughts come and go based on things I hear and experience. Key phrases or feelings kick off my feelings of depression and there is not much I can do about it.

The recurring theme at work as of late is people poke fun at me because of my pessimistic nature. I excel at honing in on problems and exposing everything about that problem. My best skill for my work is my worst people skill. People make me the butt of their jokes and I am not sure how to deal with it anymore.

To make matters worse my company has just implemented some touchy feely koolaid bullshit which is part of my companies graduation into corporate hood. They are turning into a monster and I am not sure how long I can live with it. They keep feeding us koolaid bullshit and I am very concerned that some people are going to start regurgitating that bullshit. When that happens you have a problem. The masses are indeed asses and therefore when I see koolaid corporate bullshit being fed to us, it worries me because it changes people. It changes them for the worst, not the better, it takes away from their individuality and makes them drones or zombies. I am not down with this corporate cult mentality it actually pisses me off.

This leads me to my bigger problem, I am not the type to fit into thought control or company koolaid. I will always think for myself and I will always point out when something is flat out wrong. This will be misconstrued as resistance or me being a negative person, when really I am telling the fucking truth about something and no one likes hearing the goddamn truth. However the corporate drones are being programmed right now to oust people like myself because I don't fit in. I am also supposed to fake how I am feeling according to the new corporate koolaid. We were literally instructed to fake our feelings. If we are not happy or we are having a personal problem we are supposed to suck it up and not display emotion. Therefore if you lost someone close to you, you had better come to work with a fucking smile otherwise you are being a negative anti-establishment prick. Do you have chronic depression and you periodically feel like killing yourself? Well leave that shit at home - no one cares how you are feeling, slap a smile on instead because it makes everyone else feel better.

These goddamn koolaid installments take a shit on common sense. Things that were already obvious are being taken to a fucking extreme and it is disgusting. The mere fact that employees are told to lie about how they are feeling is repugnant. Any psychologist will tell you that you should never bottle up how you are feeling, therefore having your company tell you to bottle up how you are feeling is absolutely shameful.

If you work in the service industry, then you don't have a fucking choice, you have to be pleasant otherwise you will lose your job pretty easily. I however do not have a fucking service job, I am a programmer. I write and engineer software. I am moving on to architecture. I don't speak to a customer, I speak to my colleagues. I love all of my colleagues and they love me, so why make a problem where there is no problem with this touchy feely bullshit.

I don't believe in corporate brainwash, they can kiss my ass.

If they want me to start repeating this horse shit, then they need to give me a 20% raise immediately. This company has an iron grip on their wallet and they do not want to give anyone raises which is disgusting. The hard work that we put into our product is not appreciated. Each review year we get shit on. I got a whopping 3% raise, 3 other people got raises and everyone else got nothing. I would feel guilty about getting that 3%, but I desperately needed it. I needed a fucking cost of living increase which I have not received for 2 and a half fucking years. I got my raise because I am the best at what I do in the office. I am literally the best developer in the office. I have been told this repeatedly and I know it too.

The biggest slap in the face is the fucking brass, the CEO and his cronies, don't follow any of the fucking rules they set themselves. Lead by example goddamn it - how dare you tell your subordinates that they must do and say certain things when you yourself do not do them. HYPOCRISY. It makes me sick. They have these fucking bullshit sayings, 5 of them and they do not adhere to any of them. It really makes me upset. I can't stand this level of hypocrisy.

I told my boss that I do not have any level of trust for the brass. He didn't like that, but I don't know what else to feel about a bunch of jack asses who don't seem to care about us. They don't support our achievements and they don't acknowledge our hard work or dedication. We bust our asses, but instead we are given shit to eat instead of raises and then told to smile more? What in the actual fuck is wrong with corporate America?

The next few months will be interesting indeed.

If I am scrutinized in any way for being myself, I may have to start looking for a new job. I think the next place I go I will have to aim very high. I am actually thinking Microsoft. I have an in already, I just need to work on it. It's about who you know, then what you know.

Fucking corporate cult culture sickens me.

The Human Condition

It has taken me a long time to finally pin point the root cause of what makes me hate certain people. There are people who cannot admit fault and delegate it instead and then there are people who think they are the only ones who suffer from the human condition. I hate both of these people and they are both very unreliable.

People who think they are the way only ones who suffer from the human condition are selfish assholes who cannot be trusted. They will do whatever it takes to live comfortably. Regardless of whether or not that means they are going to hurt people or not. They run away from responsibility and they hide from their problems. It is easier for them to not have to confront reality and run from it instead.

They are the type of people looking to have the beach life without earning it. They want to be kept for free while others do back breaking labor to keep them alive. They don't want to earn their keep they want to live like royalty. They want to do what they want when they want otherwise you are a downer, negative and miserable. You kill their vibe man...

Stupid fucking users.

People who think they are the only ones who suffer from the human condition are the most selfish person possible. Fuck these people, they are the scourge of a community and should be kicked out to fend on their own.

Lost

I feel quite lost at the moment. It just kind of sprang up out of no where. I was fine for a while then I started getting depressed. Probably because I was working very hard the last three weeks. Working 9am-12am and later for three weeks.

I am trying to reevaluate what I want right now.
I want to build things right now I am in a builders mood. I think I will fix up my backyard as much as I can without breaking the bank. I'm focused on some of the smaller things. Right now I am anxious about a few things. My wife isn't bringing in a great income because of the job she has right now so I am all butterflies over it. I think I will be better when that is sorted out.

Aside from that, now that my student loans are paid off in full I am looking at what to do next. I want to tackle large house projects but I am not sure how yet. I refuse to run lean savings because it is stupid and unsafe. I want to get certain house projects done and then I will just hoard my money for retirement and emergencies.

I want to do the following:
Pay off car loan after lease is up
Fix roof
Get gutters
Fix kitchen
Fix backyard
Fix front yard
Fix various small items inside the house

I am worried about obsessing over making payments for things, so I will try to take it in stride.

I need to focus more on tinkering and doing things with my time and money that make me happy.

I'm just anxious right now. I don't have any other reason to be unhappy.

Regret

It's funny to see people I knew from highschool and college going through the regret phase of their life. I was the person who warned about certain things in life and what to expect and I was ignored outright for the most part. People who lived in the now aka Optimists. People who relaxed too much and didn't want to worry about things that inconvenienced them or made them uncomfortable.

I am a self proclaimed realist. Some people call me a pessimist and I say that's fine, they are wrong, but okay I will accept that title. I am a realist because I know when to be optimistic and positive, but I know when not to be also and I will be pessimistic and negative. It all depends on what the situation calls for.

Anyhow I hate optimists because they are usually carefree unreliable idiots.

Case in point all of the people who are feeling major regret of their choices in life at this point right now. People who went against the grain of safety and lost. People who are now jealous and envious of others for doing the right thing in the fucking first place. In other words people jealous and envious of me. I don't hate them, but I am unable to speak to them or interact with them without those people melting down in front of me. Usually goes like this, "Wow... You have a home, you are married with no children and you are doing well from what it seems." They then look depressed and broken. I think to myself, "Yeah sorry you still work at star bucks, not my fucking fault or problem." I don't want to hurt their feelings, but it is true.

Those same carefree types are paying for their bullshit optimistic rose colored live in the now view on life and I don't feel bad for them at all. I worked hard to be where I am. You reap what you sow.

Funny how I was right.

Bitches.

Status

Things have been looking up for me. My wife has a job working with me. Her side business is doing relatively okay and I have finally paid off all of my student debt. Good riddance. I need a rebuild or a recuperation period to get my funds back together.

After I am comfortable I am going to repair my roof, which includes replacing a skylight and fixing a bad patch of roof. I need to finish building out my kitchen. Doing a small redesign, doing the whole thing for less than 1K. I need to redo my back yard and front yard.

I have my car loan left to deal with and I am on the fence about just paying it off outright or taking an auto loan to finance the rest of it. I have a lease which I am going to buy out. I don't want bills anymore. I can put that 229/Mo and put it to great use.

That is literally the last bill I will have in terms of loans.

I will then focus on retirement funds. I have gotten my timing worked out at work so now I am 80% vested in my 401K that opened in April. Not thrilled about doing that but I did after my first loan was paid off. I paid off my second loan in September. 26K down the drain. Fucking education in this country is a sham. Anyhow... Moving forward I just want to fix up my house. I want a place where I can rest very comfortably.

Blah

I have been MIA for a while but not dead. Life for me since the last time I have posted has been nuts. I finally got my nose/breathing problem corrected. It has turned out to be as good as I imagined it. I went from not being able to breath for 20 years to no problems whatsoever. My depressive states have dissolved, I get depressed but not the same way anymore. The delivery of oxygen to my brain has increased and I can feel the difference. I wake up rested and I no longer have dizzy spells in the morning.

I have dealt with a lot of crazy shit after that - a lot of weird crap happened to a coworker of mine. I don't feel like getting into it. The point is it robbed me of $200 bucks and my three day labor day weekend. Some people just can't be helped, it is sad.

My AC went dead and that has stopped me from getting my private student loan paid off. I will do it but I am waiting for the dust to settle. I got a new AC installed - wow what a difference 18 years of improvements makes. It runs like a dream - incredible. Set me back 3K, luckily only 3K because I got a discount through my company. Big win.

I have damaged my elbow and knee - I gained the injuries while weight training. One injury was my fault, the other was not. I need to go to an orthopedic surgeon to get MRIs taken. Then I might need surgery to correct the problems. It's always something.

My whole world right now revolves around money. I need to regroup my money so I can continue fixing problems in my house. I am planning to build up enough funds so I can start thinking about retirement building. I also need enough cash to pay off my car's buyout price. Luckily I don't need to worry about that for a little bit.

I will reach stability eventually - I am making it happen.

My next lending adventure is with HELOCs. The necessary evil of owning a home.

Until next time!