Reocurring Thoughts

I often think about a lot of the same things repeatedly. Even as a kid I would worry about stuff I had no control over. I think that is what helped me become a critical thinker. I always knew I learned, discovered or came to a complete understanding of something when I had that one moment of clarity when my eyes would grow wide and a feeling of euphoria swept over me. Or my brain would hurt, not in a bad way, but in a "I need time to process this" kind of way.

I have adopted a subconscious level of timing and problem solving which is what I think makes me a superior person at times. Not that I am flawless, but it makes me unique. I literally solve problems in my sleep. When I am overly concerned with something or anxious I can't sleep, I sometimes become depressed. I remember once as a kid I stayed awake for 2 days straight just worrying about what was going to happen in the future. What am I going to grow up as? Who am I going to be? Will I be happy?

I constantly think about death. I worry about my mother or my wife dying well before their time. If my wife dies I would probably seriously contemplate suicide. She keeps my feet on the ground and I swear if it wasn't for her I would be dead already. I love her more than I love myself. I live because I want to make her happy and I hope to grow old with her until I die first.

I worry about my own death, but that is why I own a life insurance policy. I am specifically concerned about getting cancer, which I have a wonderfully high risk of getting because my father's genes suck. I am not really worried about much of anything else with respect to dying except that I will one day die. When I die where will my consciousness go? I have the feeling that I will come back. I try very hard not to think about this stuff so I tend to occupy my mind with work and other in the moment things.

I am very numb and depressed right now because my memories have been attacking me again. I have these really bad memories that I can't get rid of because they are attached to other things that make me remember them.

Every time I see a specific Chipotle I have a bad memory attack me where I went to said Chipotle and was trying to make two orders after a very long work day. The skinny punk ass douche kid behind the counter was fucking up my order so I did the unmentionable and put my hand over the glass and pointed at the things I wanted. He then embarassed me, my own partial fault, by saying loudly "You are not allowed to put your hands over the glass!" I scowled at him, but said nothing because I was very hungry and tired.

Every time I see a specific Ale House table, I am reminded of the time that I over reacted to something very loudly on purpose and basically caused a big stupid scene which was embarassing for me and for the people I was with.

Those are the two memories that keep attacking me. No matter how I rationalize it, I can't stop the memories from being bad ones or having them depress me. It is like having a mean bully taunt you, but you can't do anything to stop them except wait it out like a migrane. I wince and even kind of cough every time the memory strikes. All I have to do is see something like beer and it makes me think of an Ale House table and what happened there. If I think of food, like a bell pepper, I think of burritos, then Chipotle and that asshole kid yelling at me.

Sometimes nothing bothers me and I am fine. However when I am like this, I lose all motivation and I am just depressed. Then I can't sleep and I have no one to talk to, which is why I blog. I blog my thoughts so they can get out and I don't have to keep them in or tell them to someone who will judge me. I do this for me, not for anyone else.

Times like this I can't help but think about dying... its not rational, but the fact remains I think about killing myself because being depressed for extended periods of time for stupid reasons is sometimes unbearable. Then it passes and I feel okay again. I just wish I was rich so shit like this wouldn't matter and I could speak to a shrink. I don't really believe in shrinks, I think they are not very qualified in determining what is wrong with someone when they themselves are very flawed too. People become shrinks because they are tring to figure out their own shit or they are crazy. What real sense does it make to go to an unstable person and unload my problems on them? I am unfortunately at a point where I think I need to speak to one though because my depressive stages are becoming more and more depressive...

I just want my every day problems to just go the fuck away and those problems are all solved with money. That is why I stress for money all of the time. Every problem is solved or made better with money. You can't buy certain things with it out right, but it sure fucking helps.