Status

I keep going into depressive states on a pretty regular cycle. I keep wondering why should I even fucking bother any more? Why should I try? What am I working towards? I think the only way I will truly be happy is if I make a certain figure of money so that I can handle major disasters which as of late have all been giant financial blunders. My fucking roof needs to be replaced, I need to get fumigated and I need house's exterior painted. All that shit costs money.

I want to stop working so hard to just lose all of my money every couple of years. I want to be able to enjoy myself and relax. Go do whatever I want, spend money without worry. I am in a constant state of worry. I am afraid of all of life's fucking surprises. I want stability.

The only way I can see a way of getting stability is to make more money. I don't see another option.

I keep getting into very depressive states, I keep thinking about suicide and it isn't because of the money. It is because I don't see a goddamn point anymore. We are all going to get old and die anyhow. Why try? Why bother? For some artificial purpose? To make other people happy? Wtf. Fuck other people - it seems as if everything is always for the comfort and benefit of others. I'm tired of this shit. I can't enjoy myself 12/24 hours of the day for 5/7 days at a time. My fucking life is relegated to living on the weekends 104 days out of 365 days a year. Time is moving so fast that I can't keep up. How do I stay happy, healthy, advance my career, enjoy my friends and family all at the same time?

Fuck. I fucking hate this shit.

This is why I play the lotto - maybe... Just maybe all this can cease one day.

I am in the process of seeking help for my mental state. Just need to go see a shrink.