I am beyond tired right now. I was physically and mentally exausted last week, so I skipped going to the gym. I am mentally spent this week. I have been working very hard since my boss blew up on me. I have done such a good job he has consistently told me how much he likes what I have come up with.
That part aside, I am quite nervous about the next 2 months. I need them to be over already so I can focus on bigger important things. I think, I am unsure, but I think I am finished paying for all of the big expensive things connected to this wedding. Right now it is attendance. I need to robo call people who have not rsvp'd yet to get a definite yes or no. Either way I am pretty sure I am not going to get 90 people to show, no big deal, we have about 68 right now. Which isn't bad considering we invited 110.
As soon as this is all over I will be focusing on getting a home or moving to another rental. I will then start to aggresively pay off my student debt. I estimate that I can pay off my federal loans before the end of next year.
For right now I need to file a complaint with Miami-Dade County against the douche bag owner of a lot in the city of NMB. This fuck tard won't cooperate with me regarding my car's repair needs.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Adult Trends in Anxiety
I was watching this series called "Obsessed" which is basically reality TV about the lives of people who have anxiety disorders ranging from OCD to Hording and everything in between. I watched like 5 full episodes until I saw a pattern that emerged in about 95% of all the episodes. This pattern amazed and impressed me because it was so prevalent that I stopped watching the episodes and was speeding through the first 2 minutes of the remaining 20 or so episodes to keep finding that pattern - that and the show had a formula which made it very boring after about 5 episodes.
The formula was simple, introduction of two people, they are both pretty fucked up, one is OCD and the other is a Hoarder, or one is a Germaphobe and the other is afraid to take a shit (no seriously, they are afraid to have a bowl movement). They go to therapy for 6 weeks individually different doctors, different cities. They are forced to record their frustrations in a video diary. They must attempt to not give in to their disorders. After 6 weeks they are usually a lot better.
Commonalities between patients include:
A. Traumatic events in early childhood, including but not limited to rape and molestation.
B. In some cases genetics comes into play for people suffering from agoraphobia.
C. Abandonment issues for people who lost a loved one and didn't get to say good bye properly.
Those were the common traits between patients. The pattern I found was when the disorder became more prevalent and overpowering. I found it to be absolutely astonishing that most of the cases all had something similar to say which was something to the effect of: "I was much happier and it didn't affect me nearly as much when I was younger. It only started getting worse after I got married and had children."
First thing about this is, it isn't some strange coincidence that they are getting worse. I realized a few things here:
A. People with children are generally much less happy than those without children. This has been observed and written about recently in a study by a Canadian researcher who also released a book.
B. Assuming people live about 80 years - you spend the first 30% of your life almost completely care free assuming general cases and not extreme high or low cases. Since you live that first 30% going to school, interacting with people, you actually have time to relax and do whatever the fuck you want on your off time, damn straight you are happier. You generally don't have to worry about groceries, paying bills or taking care of adult things. You have a layer of protection offered by your guardian. So yes, it is completely accurate to say that when you are younger you are much happier.
C. When you enter that 70% of your life, typically after you join the work force and you don't see your friends anymore or as often. You do become more depressed and sad. Therefore anyone with anxiety becomes worse without acknowledgement or help. Then if you throw a spouse that might have been a mistake to marry and some children on top, let's say two. All of a sudden you find yourself supporting two monsters you didn't want to begin with and you slowly realized the person you married hates you; which is why you aren't having sex anymore. Yeah, I'd say your life just got a lot worse and you have plenty to be anxious about. Which explains clearly why your behavioral/anxiety disorders escalate.
So yes, the trend I found in adults with anxiety while watching the show Obsessed fascinates me to no end.
The formula was simple, introduction of two people, they are both pretty fucked up, one is OCD and the other is a Hoarder, or one is a Germaphobe and the other is afraid to take a shit (no seriously, they are afraid to have a bowl movement). They go to therapy for 6 weeks individually different doctors, different cities. They are forced to record their frustrations in a video diary. They must attempt to not give in to their disorders. After 6 weeks they are usually a lot better.
Commonalities between patients include:
A. Traumatic events in early childhood, including but not limited to rape and molestation.
B. In some cases genetics comes into play for people suffering from agoraphobia.
C. Abandonment issues for people who lost a loved one and didn't get to say good bye properly.
Those were the common traits between patients. The pattern I found was when the disorder became more prevalent and overpowering. I found it to be absolutely astonishing that most of the cases all had something similar to say which was something to the effect of: "I was much happier and it didn't affect me nearly as much when I was younger. It only started getting worse after I got married and had children."
First thing about this is, it isn't some strange coincidence that they are getting worse. I realized a few things here:
A. People with children are generally much less happy than those without children. This has been observed and written about recently in a study by a Canadian researcher who also released a book.
B. Assuming people live about 80 years - you spend the first 30% of your life almost completely care free assuming general cases and not extreme high or low cases. Since you live that first 30% going to school, interacting with people, you actually have time to relax and do whatever the fuck you want on your off time, damn straight you are happier. You generally don't have to worry about groceries, paying bills or taking care of adult things. You have a layer of protection offered by your guardian. So yes, it is completely accurate to say that when you are younger you are much happier.
C. When you enter that 70% of your life, typically after you join the work force and you don't see your friends anymore or as often. You do become more depressed and sad. Therefore anyone with anxiety becomes worse without acknowledgement or help. Then if you throw a spouse that might have been a mistake to marry and some children on top, let's say two. All of a sudden you find yourself supporting two monsters you didn't want to begin with and you slowly realized the person you married hates you; which is why you aren't having sex anymore. Yeah, I'd say your life just got a lot worse and you have plenty to be anxious about. Which explains clearly why your behavioral/anxiety disorders escalate.
So yes, the trend I found in adults with anxiety while watching the show Obsessed fascinates me to no end.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Doctor Offices
So I am at the cardiologist's office and I am listening to the receptionist fail at her job. I know from experience she sucks at her simple job. I know it is a lot of work and it is annoying to deal with not so nice patients, but this is not rocket science. Anyone can be trained to do this job in my opinion. Anyhow, this woman fails to schedule people correctly, she misses call backs and she puts people on hold for 15 to 30 minutes at a time. This is bad business and if I wasn't so wound up with this doctor already, I would just go to someone else.
This office is suffering, but they don't know it yet. Really it is the doctor who should be paying attention, because he is the boss. So every time someone isn't scheduled correctly that is an opportunity for loss, patients will just go to another doctor. I had gotten screwed by this office before, I kept calling back about important things and being placed on hold, then hung up on - twice. I got very mad and demanded to speak to the office manager - she apologized and told me everything is fine. I don't understand how something like that can be mismanaged that easily - especially since that is the entry point into the business. When the people at the front desk are screwing up, they are fucking everyone. Like I said before, if patients start to cancel due to mean, poorly educated, uncaring, attitude having receptionists - male or female - patients do have the option of going else where.
I have thought about telling the doctor a few times about his receptionist's shit performance. I think the problem will fix itself, because I don't feel like being responsible for someone to lose their job right now.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Kami-Sama
My boss is in a good mood again he was very civil yesterday, now I feel that I was on edge the whole day for no reason. I was so afraid to speak or look at him because I didn't want a repeat of what happened. It would have really destroyed me if it did happen again. My goal is to not have to deal with that ever again, which is probably wishful thinking more so than reality.
I spoke with him again today and he was in a great mood and very helpful instead of being a fucking monster. So I am very relieved that I didn't have to see that side of him again today. This is day two.
I am dubbing him Kami-Sama because he is a force to be reckoned with. Kami-Sama means deity or god, but does not have to be in the spiritual sense. According to the Shintoists, it can be someone who you neither fear or love, but you are in awe of them. Purely dumb struck. The term would be used to describe lords from fiefdoms or rulers.
Well that is me, I don't like him, I don't fear him and I especially don't love him. He just shocks me that he could be so callous and just plain mean. He has all of the cards though, he has me by the balls because he is the judge and jury since he is the owner of the company.
I really hate people like him because he never had to struggle too hard since he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. I find his total lack of sympathy or respect for others to just be shocking and there is jack shit I can do about it. He is allowed to verbally abuse people all he wants. I just have to hope he hits me so I can sue him for battery and get a small fortune of my own from his fortune.
I spoke with him again today and he was in a great mood and very helpful instead of being a fucking monster. So I am very relieved that I didn't have to see that side of him again today. This is day two.
I am dubbing him Kami-Sama because he is a force to be reckoned with. Kami-Sama means deity or god, but does not have to be in the spiritual sense. According to the Shintoists, it can be someone who you neither fear or love, but you are in awe of them. Purely dumb struck. The term would be used to describe lords from fiefdoms or rulers.
Well that is me, I don't like him, I don't fear him and I especially don't love him. He just shocks me that he could be so callous and just plain mean. He has all of the cards though, he has me by the balls because he is the judge and jury since he is the owner of the company.
I really hate people like him because he never had to struggle too hard since he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. I find his total lack of sympathy or respect for others to just be shocking and there is jack shit I can do about it. He is allowed to verbally abuse people all he wants. I just have to hope he hits me so I can sue him for battery and get a small fortune of my own from his fortune.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Time To Think
I have had enough time to think about the current unsavory work situation and the plan will be executed like so: I will not let my boss's inappropriate behavior get the best of me. I will continue to do the best job I can and if he doesn't like it then too bad, I won't let it get the best of me. I am going to bum through the rest of the year, if things get better or tolerable then I will decide to stay, if not then come January I will be looking for a new job. I already didn't like my job all that much, this has put the last nail in the coffin for me. Now I hate this fucking job.
I hate the idea of quitting another job and moving to a new one so soon, but I refuse to work under toxic conditions. Whether he realizes it or not, he is fucking with the wrong hombre right now - if I had nothing to lose - I would have beat him senseless that day and then stabbed him with my knife which I always carry with me. I would have kept him alive long enough to ask him rhetorical questions as he bled out such as, "Who is worthless now?" Or "Do you still feel invincible?" Watching the life escape from his stupid face would bring me a lot of joy.
People don't understand that the only real reason we don't kill each other consistently every day is that we A. Have a lot to lose, B. Don't want them to do the same to us in any form. It has very little to do with morality and everything to do with selfishness. Selfishness, because a person doesn't want someone else to hurt them, especially for poor reasons. Follow this logic, if someone is attacking you immediately your first thought is, "Please don't hurt me!" "Why shouldn't I hurt you?" "Because I didn't do anything to deserve this." Let's look at the other side of this, let's say someone does hurt you emotionally for very poor reasons and the person they hurt becomes enraged they have two very basic options. Option A: Resist hurting them back and Option B: Hurt them. What forces someone to pick Option A most of the time? They pick Option A generally speaking because they have a family at home they would like to continue to see every day and they don't want to go to jail. People will pick Option B if they were pushed too far or if they don't have a family, or they don't have a family they care to go back to, they have no self worth, or they don't just don't give a shit about anything anymore. Killing people is a lot easier if you don't fear the consequences.
Therefore just like there is no such thing as freedom of speech and only tolerated speech - murdering people is something we as a society don't like, but there is jack shit preventing people from doing it. There is a cost associated with it and that is all. You pay 25+ years of your life to kill someone. If you ain't got shit to lose, then 25+ years is a bargain.
Now the point of me covering all of this logical information is simple: People need to watch what they say to others and they need to stop pretending to be invincible. One day, you just might find the wrong person to fuck with and they might have reached their Witt's end already, you fuck with them and you will reap what you just sowed in the form of the cost of your life. So my ultimate message here I guess is, mutual respect. Do unto others as you would have them do to yourself.
Be very happy I am not in charge of this country of ours. If I was, things would work very well, but there would be a lot of dead people.
I hate the idea of quitting another job and moving to a new one so soon, but I refuse to work under toxic conditions. Whether he realizes it or not, he is fucking with the wrong hombre right now - if I had nothing to lose - I would have beat him senseless that day and then stabbed him with my knife which I always carry with me. I would have kept him alive long enough to ask him rhetorical questions as he bled out such as, "Who is worthless now?" Or "Do you still feel invincible?" Watching the life escape from his stupid face would bring me a lot of joy.
People don't understand that the only real reason we don't kill each other consistently every day is that we A. Have a lot to lose, B. Don't want them to do the same to us in any form. It has very little to do with morality and everything to do with selfishness. Selfishness, because a person doesn't want someone else to hurt them, especially for poor reasons. Follow this logic, if someone is attacking you immediately your first thought is, "Please don't hurt me!" "Why shouldn't I hurt you?" "Because I didn't do anything to deserve this." Let's look at the other side of this, let's say someone does hurt you emotionally for very poor reasons and the person they hurt becomes enraged they have two very basic options. Option A: Resist hurting them back and Option B: Hurt them. What forces someone to pick Option A most of the time? They pick Option A generally speaking because they have a family at home they would like to continue to see every day and they don't want to go to jail. People will pick Option B if they were pushed too far or if they don't have a family, or they don't have a family they care to go back to, they have no self worth, or they don't just don't give a shit about anything anymore. Killing people is a lot easier if you don't fear the consequences.
Therefore just like there is no such thing as freedom of speech and only tolerated speech - murdering people is something we as a society don't like, but there is jack shit preventing people from doing it. There is a cost associated with it and that is all. You pay 25+ years of your life to kill someone. If you ain't got shit to lose, then 25+ years is a bargain.
Now the point of me covering all of this logical information is simple: People need to watch what they say to others and they need to stop pretending to be invincible. One day, you just might find the wrong person to fuck with and they might have reached their Witt's end already, you fuck with them and you will reap what you just sowed in the form of the cost of your life. So my ultimate message here I guess is, mutual respect. Do unto others as you would have them do to yourself.
Be very happy I am not in charge of this country of ours. If I was, things would work very well, but there would be a lot of dead people.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
The Hand That Feeds
So I had a long chat with my boss, a clearing of the air if you will and it pretty much was pointless. He is a very cold and calculating person. I now officially hate him. There is definitely room for him to make it up, but he isn't going to change and I am not going to change because I am not the nasty one here he is.
He essentially just hard core embarrassed and made fun of me in front of the whole office again for very poor reasons. He is a very bad manager, he should not be in charge of anyone it is just a bad idea all around. Anyone who follows this blog (no one does) would know I hated my last boss too. Well update on that is, he was reprimanded 7 months after I left the job and a few months later someone else quit too. The hit for losing two very good seasoned programmers cost him one of his projects (the one I was on) stripped from his command because he proved to be an incompetent ass.
The problem this time is my boss is not an incompetent ass, he is very competent, the problem is that he has no people skills. He is very rude and hurtful with his explanations - if that's what you want to call it. His English sucks, so imagine an immigrant speaking a language you don't understand, trying to explain to you very important concepts and instructions in incomplete sentences and just over all broken English. Then when you don't understand him or worse you misunderstood what he had to say, he then has no problem belittling you in front of others. It is very uncomfortable and emotionally draining.
Simply put, I didn't really like my job already, but now I hate my job.
So after giving it a good while to think about it, I will probably have to quit next year after I get all of my vacation and other things out of the way. I am not screwing up my current plans in order to find a new job right now because this spoiled rich asshole is fearless of sending people to hell. Fucking dick weed mother fucker. My biggest problem right now is not sending my boss to hell, I have been mouthing off too much because he is forcing me into a corner and I refuse to not stand up for myself. I've made that mistake before and I am not going to make it again. Playing nice with assholes gets you no respect and gives them license to walk all over you. There is a way to push the envelope without screwing yourself over completely.
I am not willing to let him walk all over me, so I am going to have to stop any personal friendly interaction with him and from this point forward it is purely work related only. I am not going to bother with more than a, "hello" or "good bye". He needs to know that the only thing I am going to do for him from now on is work and it is going to be strict hours from now on. Bad employers who want to rule you by fear are some of the worst kind, it is too bad there aren't laws protecting employees from verbal harassment.
He essentially just hard core embarrassed and made fun of me in front of the whole office again for very poor reasons. He is a very bad manager, he should not be in charge of anyone it is just a bad idea all around. Anyone who follows this blog (no one does) would know I hated my last boss too. Well update on that is, he was reprimanded 7 months after I left the job and a few months later someone else quit too. The hit for losing two very good seasoned programmers cost him one of his projects (the one I was on) stripped from his command because he proved to be an incompetent ass.
The problem this time is my boss is not an incompetent ass, he is very competent, the problem is that he has no people skills. He is very rude and hurtful with his explanations - if that's what you want to call it. His English sucks, so imagine an immigrant speaking a language you don't understand, trying to explain to you very important concepts and instructions in incomplete sentences and just over all broken English. Then when you don't understand him or worse you misunderstood what he had to say, he then has no problem belittling you in front of others. It is very uncomfortable and emotionally draining.
Simply put, I didn't really like my job already, but now I hate my job.
So after giving it a good while to think about it, I will probably have to quit next year after I get all of my vacation and other things out of the way. I am not screwing up my current plans in order to find a new job right now because this spoiled rich asshole is fearless of sending people to hell. Fucking dick weed mother fucker. My biggest problem right now is not sending my boss to hell, I have been mouthing off too much because he is forcing me into a corner and I refuse to not stand up for myself. I've made that mistake before and I am not going to make it again. Playing nice with assholes gets you no respect and gives them license to walk all over you. There is a way to push the envelope without screwing yourself over completely.
I am not willing to let him walk all over me, so I am going to have to stop any personal friendly interaction with him and from this point forward it is purely work related only. I am not going to bother with more than a, "hello" or "good bye". He needs to know that the only thing I am going to do for him from now on is work and it is going to be strict hours from now on. Bad employers who want to rule you by fear are some of the worst kind, it is too bad there aren't laws protecting employees from verbal harassment.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Back to the Prison Cell
I have gone back to work. I don't want to be here in comparison to working from home which was way more enjoyable. I wouldn't care as much if I knew for a fact that everything was okay, but apparently, not so much. I haven't had to talk to my boss yet again about anything, so I am not sure what to think right now. All I know is I am back in a place that I am not sure that I want to be in anymore because I hate feeling panicked or feeling anxious. My anxiety is down today, but it is definitely going to spike unless I get some real hearty work done today. I have decided not to stay at work anymore past 6:00/6:30 the latest. I refuse to screw up my nights anymmore during the week especially for an asshole who thinks it is okay to be bipolar at his convenience. I have learned that it is not worth working anywhere if you are going to work in fear of losing your job because you are going to send your boss to hell once day. The last time I felt like this I was feeling so sick every day I had to drag myself out of bed to go to work.
Working here sometimes feel like cold abrasive concrete. Unpleasant to the touch, very hard, cold and it can hurt you a lot if you rub it the wrong way. Not sure if I like knowing that. Anyhow... I am going to do my best to not let this get me too down because I don't think the appropriate response for me is to quit every time my boss is a dick. I suppose he was having a bad day, I need to talk to him and tell him not to do that again regardless of the outcome or repercussions of doing so. Plain and simple, it is not okay.
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