I got into a small tizzy yesterday with my better half, it actually wasn't that big of a deal. We had a small, very small, argument about our Joint Account. She has been using the Joint account for personal expenses, but she balances it out by putting money back into it. Either way it makes it hard to follow what is going on in the account it just looks like a mess. So I got upset and I told her over IM not to do that anymore and I threw in a WTF with some question marks and exclamation points here and there. I shouldn't have done that, IM is the worst way to have an argument it can be misconstrued as yelling... I wasn't yelling I was asking, but again the tone wasn't set and never will be through IM. So I hurt her feelings and then on top of that she tried calling me and couldn't reach me because my phone took a shit on me exactly when she was calling me, I couldn't pickup. I had to reboot my fucking phone which took about 10 minutes (fuck you T-Mobile and your shitty software on my LG C800). Finally I got her on the phone and we spoke, but I knew she was upset, which instantly made me feel horrible. We talked about it and when she got home (I got home before her) we talked about it a little more and she was tearing up and I just felt like such a bad person. No one yelled at each other, we didn't even say much to each other. We explained how we felt then we exchanged apologies, kissed and hugged.
Long story short I feel like an asshole now and the whole event sparked my depression again. I can definitely say that I have been living in fear of becoming depressed again. It is finally here like I knew it would be, it was only a matter of time like always. Just like I live in fear of embarrassment. The reason I am anxious or in fear of these events is that they stay with me and get stuck in my memory and they never leave. They are haunting memories of my past that are mostly unresolved because I can't resolve it with that person or correct what happened anymore. It is impossible. I can't let go of it - I don't know how to - my fucking brain won't let me.
I am probably being a little over-dramatic right now, but this was a little tizzy. If we ever got into a full on battle I am not sure how I would end up. If she ever left me, I would more than likely have to kill myself. She is the only person that makes me feel better, I think of her and I feel warm and I love her. If one day I could no longer see her for whatever reason, I would fall into such a deep depression I would need to be locked up because I know for a fact that I would endanger my life easily.
It is thoughts like this that make me realize I need some professional help. I'm working on it.
Sorry for sounding like an emo bitch.
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