Personal Insanity

I finally figured out what exactly has been bothering me. I figured out what the epitome of my depression is aside from other usual and unavoidable triggers.

My whole life all I ever wanted was to be left alone so I could go do whatever I wanted without being bothered. My mother would annoy me to do this and that for her, no regard for what I wanted. My father was an oppressive piece of shit forcing his ideals and religion on me. I hated school and the people in it. I hated everyone. I still hate everyone. I just couldn't wait to get out... Like a long prison sentence - I served my time. I even went to college and got myself into a good chunk of debt just like I was instructed to do by society.

I went on to get a job. All the outside annoyances are gone, the pressure of school is gone. The idiot peers mostly gone. I was supposed to have more time to do what I wanted to do.

Now I find myself a slave to work, keeping in physical shape and trying to find a balance between work and play.

I want to do side projects so I can eliminate the the fear of not having tried hard enough to make my mark. I am deathly afraid of getting to a point and an age where I will be laid off and be in jeopardy of losing everything near and dear to me. I want to have financial stability and a big enough parachute where I will be afforded enough time to find a job and stay employed for a long time. Mostly I want financial freedom - meaning not being a slave to my job. I want to invent and sell things or ideas. I want to be financially independent.

When I feel that I have achieved what I am looking for I will give in to speaking to my friends and hanging out with people wasting time doing nothing with them. Until that point I can't shake the guilt of not trying harder to find an out - getting out of the rat race.

I see too many people complacent with their situation, some quietly can feel at ease because they have a fallback or a free ride. I have no such thing and it makes me angry due to jealousy of their unearned handout. I never got a fucking handout. Where's my fallback? Where's my freebie?

I play the lottery twice a week and I work on ideas to see if I can get somewhere with them.

I finally broke out of my shell and I have started working with micro controllers again. I am determined to succeed until I fail. If I fail I will collect my paycheck and try something else until I succeed.