Status Blow

I am rather depressed about several problems/things. I don't really like my job, it is beyond boring and wanting to get any work done is very difficult when I never know what my next project is going to be because my boss doesn't believe in planning. He just kind of pulls things out of his ass. There is plenty of maintenance and refactoring work to be done - but getting him to understand or even permit that kind of work is like pulling teeth. Essentially this job sucks and I am not sure if I should stick with it because this is a rough spot or if I should just move on soon... Either way now isn't a good time for this.

I was recently hit with some bad news from my wife that her entire company has received a 20% pay cut. They did that instead of laying people off. That's nice right? Well I've seen this shit happen before, they are just going to lay people off anyhow. That is what always happens. That puts pressure on me now because if I get fired or laid off then we are in double deep shit. She suspects she might get laid off, but we don't know that yet.

I am depressed about the amount of money I keep losing due to one time massive expenditures. Weddings are expensive, mine cost about 35K roughly and I paid about 60% of it which was not easy for me to do. I still have enough in the bank, but I need to find a place to live right now, which I am working through at the moment. It is a long and painfully slow process which sucks. Buying a home is going to cost me anywhere between 10K and 15K, I am not looking forward to this especially since I am not going to get much help paying for anything. My wife owes me about 3.5K from the wedding because she wasn't able to cover all of her portion. Now there is the house which I don't think I am going to get any significant help with.

I want to pay off my student debt. I mean that is really what I want to do badly right now. I have about 29K roughly to pay off. I want to throw 5K at it to pay off one of the 3 loans that I have. Then I will whittle down the second loan, then take the money I am saving from paying off the first two and use it against the last one.

Finally I would like to save and invest as much money as possible for my/our retirement.

I just hate how long it takes to accumulate the funds and how easily they just disappear.

So yeah... all of that is depressing me, it doesn't help that I don't want to be at work on top of all of this. I hate it when I am in this funk, I need some relief from feeling like this, but I don't know what to do when I feel like this. I think part of the problem is I am impatient and I become anxious when I cannot do something I know I need to do immediately. I just like getting things done and off of my back as soon as possible so I don't have to worry about what to do.

The other thing that has got me down is not knowing what to do with my free time. I know that sounds really stupid, but when I am depressed I have no will or desire to do ANYTHING. It is a very awful feeling, so it makes me more anxious knowing that I will have an entire weekend and I won't get anything done because I am feeling very depressed and not having any desires. This weekend looks like it will consist of gaming the entire time. I just hate the inevitable doom of my mundane job after the weekend is over, it isn't a lot to look forward to. It is like taking a deep breath, then holding your head under the water for a long time, only to keep doing it repeatedly.

Well... I got to get back to "work" so I will continue to lament again later...

Random Thought

I've complained about this before, but I don't mind doing it again. Policemen in Miami are total dicks for the most part, I've met one or two that are tolerable. I have a friend who is a cop, but even he doesn't like cops and he is one. He says it all the time, "God I hate cops, fucking filthy pig fucks". He does it for the money, nothing more. People who work important jobs just for the money, that's another topic for another time. In his defense though he does a good job.

Anyhow, I think the cops in Miami are uncaring and cruel for a few reasons, let's go over the most obvious first. If they are cuban cocks, then by default they are usually assholes. Since cops have to deal with the oh so colorful and animated people of Miami, then of course they will be in an automatic bad mood and have low expectations of anyone. We can blame 60% of the mood of these cops on where those cops chose to be cops. The other 40% is on the cops because they can choose to be polite, but most of them aren't, they are just jerks.

I used to have a bad habit of asking a question to cops that they either didn't mind answering or took total offense, as if I had just asked them to suck my dick. I would ask cops, "What kind of gun do you have?" Some would have a delightful conversation with me about guns and others would just give me the death stare.

This one female officer was absoluteley disrespectful. She went off on a rant about how my asking her about her gun is like her asking me to see my dick. Then she proceeded to follow it up with, "Can I see your penis?" I was just silent for the duration of this encounter and decided from that point forward to not bother unless there was a clear way for me to ask without having to show my privates first.

So yeah... cops in Florida, specifically on the beach, including but not limited to: South Beach, Bal Harbor, Golden Beach and Aventura - they are all pretty much 100% walking hardons. To serve and protect my ass.

Irrisponsible Drivers

This is a simple concept, what the hell is so important on your fucking phone, that you have to be reading or texting something to someone while driving? You should pull over and stop driving if it is so important.

Furthermore, those of you who still live in the stone age of cellphones, those of you who still prop the goddamn phone on your shoulder to your ear while driving, or those of you who have the phone to your ear in any manor, you people need to go buy yourselves a hands free device. I don't care which device, but go get one. The fact that you want to hold your phone still boggles my mind. For about 20 bucks you can find a decent headset on newegg or amazon.

Now I don't give two shits if you crash and die by yourself, but I do care about how it will affect everyone else. You might kill someone or several people in the act. You might kill your passenger(s).

This warning is right up there with the stupid bitches who put on their make up while driving, especially on the highway. You fucking crazy assholes, keep your eyes on the goddamn road.

It's real simple, pay attention to your driving job and ignore everything else. You can do what ever menial bullshit thing you want to do after you get off the goddamn road. Driving is dangerous enough when people are paying attention, it is worse when people are not paying attention.

I hate people...

Ho hum

As of late I have been in a perpetual state of uncertainty. I am glad I have gotten one of three major events off my back. The wedding stuff is done and paid for entireley. In my opinion, it was a lot of fun, but a total waste of money. I'm still happy we did it, because it made me very happy to see everyone, but I am still acknowledging that the same funds could have gone towards a down payment on a home, student loans or a great investment opportunity.

Right now I am working on a project with a friend of mine, we aren't moving quickly, which is fine, but I lost my footing again and I am not sure how to move forward.

In other news, I need to move soon, I want a permanent residence and I want to get it done soon. The sooner the better. I want to move, settle and start paying down student debt immediately.

Sigh...

I feel very discombobulated at the moment.

My Friends

I've decided to give up on my quick rush to success - it's simply impossible to do unless I alienate everyone from my life always and forever. I calculated how much time I have to actually spend working and enjoying myself per year and it sucks. In general people work 5 days out of the week, which is 260 days per year in a 52 week year. The other 2 you get stuck doing chores, projects, resting and having fun which is 104 days per year in a 52 week year. So we can boil this down to (52 * 7 = 364 days) 71.43% of your time being at work and the remaining 28.57% actually living your life - doing what you want to do. I have broken this down into hours, but I won't post those calculations at this time. You spend 8 hours on average sleeping, so think about how much smaller that 28.57% just got when you split it into time being awake versus time being asleep.

Anyhow... all of this had made me realize life is too short when you are broke and trying to stretch yourself thin is stupid. I am going to work on my side projects at my leisure and just do my best to save for my retirement. This is what I am thinking right now, but of course I can always change my mind.

I love my friends, I have developed a good bond with a good group of people - all of us get a long quite well and I don't think I could ask for better friends. Just a bunch of good, intelligent, well established people. I hope this remains this way. I realized in order to combat my depression, I need to have fun every now again, otherwise I just become bitter about everything. I was letting everything get me down because I never had a chance to get any work done. Well, fuck it, I will get work done when the opportunity presents itself.

Now that my wedding is over, I can focus on getting a home again and paying off my stupid student loans. Oh how I detest them.

Meh

So apparently my boss has taken a liking to me, he just has a really strange way of showing it. This is the same boss that flambeed me in front of the whole office. I hate it when this happens, when I am sure someone dislikes me, they shock the shit out of me and it turns out it is the total opposite. I take things way too personally, I just do. I feel like words and language are a weapon at times because you can really screw up a person's whole day if you say the wrong thing - or maybe you intentionally said those things to hurt someone. Words and speech are dangerous - infectious - like a disease. That's why I like to use them to describe how I am feeling or to annoy other people. I wrote an article about how I disliked irresponsible motorcyclists and I got a foul response about it - the thing is it is obvious that the idiot that responded didn't read the whole article because I lay out exact why I am upset with motorcyclists and bicyclists for that matter. The point is, I affected that person mentally with something I wrote and placed on the Internet. I didn't even have to force this person to read it, they found it. Words are a dangerous thing. Now place the power language and speech into a untouchable rich asshole and there you have it - my boss. He is pleasant sometimes, but now I am afraid to make eye contact with him, because I don't want him to yell at me again.

I just wanted to get this off my chest.

I am at a loss again, I am overwhelmed with a lot of what is going on right now. I am pretty much at the point where I don't even want to show up to work anymore. I'm tired of work. I have a few side projects going on right now, but I haven't had any significant time to work on any of it yet.

Animal Testing

For those of you out there who are appalled by the idea of animal testing, be it a rodent or an insect, you need to take a step back and realize why it is being done. I understand that it sucks that these animals are being elected without a choice to go on our human conquest for human better living, but would you rather regress or progress medically?

I for one like the idea of using mice and rats for preliminary testing before moving on to humans. However there are very strange anti-human humans out there, misanthropists, that seem to care more about saving kitties and rabbits than they do their own species. I am disgusted with these people. I understand that some humans are awful terrible people, I complain about it regularly, but I will not damn everyone for the misdeeds of just a few people. People suck, but not everyone does.

When is the last time you heard of a cat or rabbit saving your skin instead of their own? Right! Never! Okay now that we have established that cats and rabbits don't care much about their owners, then why do we care too much about testing on them. Well I for one don't care, we eat them, they die earlier than us and they are easily reproduced - if the tables were turned then they would be doing the same thing to us.

The point is, in order to make advancements, sacrifices are necessary, the moral cost of some rats is a lot cheaper than that of a human. So yes it sucks and it is wrong, but it is a necessary evil so get over it.

Work Work

You ever go to work and just sit there and don't want to do jack shit? I am not motivated to do anything right now, which sucks because I do have work I need to do. I am just not interested in what I am working on at the moment it is painfully boring. To make matters worse I don't know when to expect new projects to come my way because my boss doesn't explain anything to me properly. He just puts a bunch of fucking words on a page broken up by newlines and tells me to build it. His design documents are always pretty much a single page or an excel sheet mock up which sucks. He gives me zero background on what or why I am doing this, he just sets down his vague idea and tells me to "do it and do it right".

Very motivating. Right now I need a goddamn bonus. Another 10K and a raise is in order damn it.

I want to start writing one of my three books.

More Blather

So my wedding has happened and I am in the hole financially, like wow expensive. I am not in debt, just out about 32.5K which is nuts. I am not taking all of the burden by myself, but holy shit, still expensive as fuck. I had a really good time and I think my guests did as well. For the money that we paid they had a fucking awesome time.

Now I can reprioritize again, house hunting is next. We need to move out of the place we are in right now. After getting a home, I can finally pay down my student debt. I plan on doing it sometime this year too. I want to throw like 3 to 5 grand at the total. I am at about 30K. I am not going to keep paying it off like this, it is taking too long. I want the debt monkey off my back.