The Human Condition

It has taken me a long time to finally pin point the root cause of what makes me hate certain people. There are people who cannot admit fault and delegate it instead and then there are people who think they are the only ones who suffer from the human condition. I hate both of these people and they are both very unreliable.

People who think they are the way only ones who suffer from the human condition are selfish assholes who cannot be trusted. They will do whatever it takes to live comfortably. Regardless of whether or not that means they are going to hurt people or not. They run away from responsibility and they hide from their problems. It is easier for them to not have to confront reality and run from it instead.

They are the type of people looking to have the beach life without earning it. They want to be kept for free while others do back breaking labor to keep them alive. They don't want to earn their keep they want to live like royalty. They want to do what they want when they want otherwise you are a downer, negative and miserable. You kill their vibe man...

Stupid fucking users.

People who think they are the only ones who suffer from the human condition are the most selfish person possible. Fuck these people, they are the scourge of a community and should be kicked out to fend on their own.

Lost

I feel quite lost at the moment. It just kind of sprang up out of no where. I was fine for a while then I started getting depressed. Probably because I was working very hard the last three weeks. Working 9am-12am and later for three weeks.

I am trying to reevaluate what I want right now.
I want to build things right now I am in a builders mood. I think I will fix up my backyard as much as I can without breaking the bank. I'm focused on some of the smaller things. Right now I am anxious about a few things. My wife isn't bringing in a great income because of the job she has right now so I am all butterflies over it. I think I will be better when that is sorted out.

Aside from that, now that my student loans are paid off in full I am looking at what to do next. I want to tackle large house projects but I am not sure how yet. I refuse to run lean savings because it is stupid and unsafe. I want to get certain house projects done and then I will just hoard my money for retirement and emergencies.

I want to do the following:
Pay off car loan after lease is up
Fix roof
Get gutters
Fix kitchen
Fix backyard
Fix front yard
Fix various small items inside the house

I am worried about obsessing over making payments for things, so I will try to take it in stride.

I need to focus more on tinkering and doing things with my time and money that make me happy.

I'm just anxious right now. I don't have any other reason to be unhappy.

Regret

It's funny to see people I knew from highschool and college going through the regret phase of their life. I was the person who warned about certain things in life and what to expect and I was ignored outright for the most part. People who lived in the now aka Optimists. People who relaxed too much and didn't want to worry about things that inconvenienced them or made them uncomfortable.

I am a self proclaimed realist. Some people call me a pessimist and I say that's fine, they are wrong, but okay I will accept that title. I am a realist because I know when to be optimistic and positive, but I know when not to be also and I will be pessimistic and negative. It all depends on what the situation calls for.

Anyhow I hate optimists because they are usually carefree unreliable idiots.

Case in point all of the people who are feeling major regret of their choices in life at this point right now. People who went against the grain of safety and lost. People who are now jealous and envious of others for doing the right thing in the fucking first place. In other words people jealous and envious of me. I don't hate them, but I am unable to speak to them or interact with them without those people melting down in front of me. Usually goes like this, "Wow... You have a home, you are married with no children and you are doing well from what it seems." They then look depressed and broken. I think to myself, "Yeah sorry you still work at star bucks, not my fucking fault or problem." I don't want to hurt their feelings, but it is true.

Those same carefree types are paying for their bullshit optimistic rose colored live in the now view on life and I don't feel bad for them at all. I worked hard to be where I am. You reap what you sow.

Funny how I was right.

Bitches.

Status

Things have been looking up for me. My wife has a job working with me. Her side business is doing relatively okay and I have finally paid off all of my student debt. Good riddance. I need a rebuild or a recuperation period to get my funds back together.

After I am comfortable I am going to repair my roof, which includes replacing a skylight and fixing a bad patch of roof. I need to finish building out my kitchen. Doing a small redesign, doing the whole thing for less than 1K. I need to redo my back yard and front yard.

I have my car loan left to deal with and I am on the fence about just paying it off outright or taking an auto loan to finance the rest of it. I have a lease which I am going to buy out. I don't want bills anymore. I can put that 229/Mo and put it to great use.

That is literally the last bill I will have in terms of loans.

I will then focus on retirement funds. I have gotten my timing worked out at work so now I am 80% vested in my 401K that opened in April. Not thrilled about doing that but I did after my first loan was paid off. I paid off my second loan in September. 26K down the drain. Fucking education in this country is a sham. Anyhow... Moving forward I just want to fix up my house. I want a place where I can rest very comfortably.

Blah

I have been MIA for a while but not dead. Life for me since the last time I have posted has been nuts. I finally got my nose/breathing problem corrected. It has turned out to be as good as I imagined it. I went from not being able to breath for 20 years to no problems whatsoever. My depressive states have dissolved, I get depressed but not the same way anymore. The delivery of oxygen to my brain has increased and I can feel the difference. I wake up rested and I no longer have dizzy spells in the morning.

I have dealt with a lot of crazy shit after that - a lot of weird crap happened to a coworker of mine. I don't feel like getting into it. The point is it robbed me of $200 bucks and my three day labor day weekend. Some people just can't be helped, it is sad.

My AC went dead and that has stopped me from getting my private student loan paid off. I will do it but I am waiting for the dust to settle. I got a new AC installed - wow what a difference 18 years of improvements makes. It runs like a dream - incredible. Set me back 3K, luckily only 3K because I got a discount through my company. Big win.

I have damaged my elbow and knee - I gained the injuries while weight training. One injury was my fault, the other was not. I need to go to an orthopedic surgeon to get MRIs taken. Then I might need surgery to correct the problems. It's always something.

My whole world right now revolves around money. I need to regroup my money so I can continue fixing problems in my house. I am planning to build up enough funds so I can start thinking about retirement building. I also need enough cash to pay off my car's buyout price. Luckily I don't need to worry about that for a little bit.

I will reach stability eventually - I am making it happen.

My next lending adventure is with HELOCs. The necessary evil of owning a home.

Until next time!

Blah Goggles

I have been feeling blah. I feel a combination of tired, nauseated and oddly enough supremely motivated. My motivation is being limited though because it is only as great as my accomplishments and progress.

I have finally overcome my fear of failure regarding hardware, I was afraid to waste time with something that might go no where. I came to terms with my reality and accepted that I could possibly be a nine to fiver for the rest of my life. In other words I have NOTHING to lose! I have been too afraid to fail, but I was already failing because I didn't even try yet.

I am going to pour my life and time into getting a creation of mine off the ground. I will do it alone and that is final. I cannot trust other people to help me - I am tired if working on things for others. I need to get this show on the road.

I am giddy with excitement because I know I can nail this creation, I just need the FUCKING time!

Time is always the limiter, but I will find a way. I will overcome this mountain too and all other cliche problems that stand in my way. I will stay focused and I will do my best to stay positive.

Personal Insanity

I finally figured out what exactly has been bothering me. I figured out what the epitome of my depression is aside from other usual and unavoidable triggers.

My whole life all I ever wanted was to be left alone so I could go do whatever I wanted without being bothered. My mother would annoy me to do this and that for her, no regard for what I wanted. My father was an oppressive piece of shit forcing his ideals and religion on me. I hated school and the people in it. I hated everyone. I still hate everyone. I just couldn't wait to get out... Like a long prison sentence - I served my time. I even went to college and got myself into a good chunk of debt just like I was instructed to do by society.

I went on to get a job. All the outside annoyances are gone, the pressure of school is gone. The idiot peers mostly gone. I was supposed to have more time to do what I wanted to do.

Now I find myself a slave to work, keeping in physical shape and trying to find a balance between work and play.

I want to do side projects so I can eliminate the the fear of not having tried hard enough to make my mark. I am deathly afraid of getting to a point and an age where I will be laid off and be in jeopardy of losing everything near and dear to me. I want to have financial stability and a big enough parachute where I will be afforded enough time to find a job and stay employed for a long time. Mostly I want financial freedom - meaning not being a slave to my job. I want to invent and sell things or ideas. I want to be financially independent.

When I feel that I have achieved what I am looking for I will give in to speaking to my friends and hanging out with people wasting time doing nothing with them. Until that point I can't shake the guilt of not trying harder to find an out - getting out of the rat race.

I see too many people complacent with their situation, some quietly can feel at ease because they have a fallback or a free ride. I have no such thing and it makes me angry due to jealousy of their unearned handout. I never got a fucking handout. Where's my fallback? Where's my freebie?

I play the lottery twice a week and I work on ideas to see if I can get somewhere with them.

I finally broke out of my shell and I have started working with micro controllers again. I am determined to succeed until I fail. If I fail I will collect my paycheck and try something else until I succeed.