Time To Think

I have had enough time to think about the current unsavory work situation and the plan will be executed like so: I will not let my boss's inappropriate behavior get the best of me. I will continue to do the best job I can and if he doesn't like it then too bad, I won't let it get the best of me. I am going to bum through the rest of the year, if things get better or tolerable then I will decide to stay, if not then come January I will be looking for a new job. I already didn't like my job all that much, this has put the last nail in the coffin for me. Now I hate this fucking job.

I hate the idea of quitting another job and moving to a new one so soon, but I refuse to work under toxic conditions. Whether he realizes it or not, he is fucking with the wrong hombre right now - if I had nothing to lose - I would have beat him senseless that day and then stabbed him with my knife which I always carry with me. I would have kept him alive long enough to ask him rhetorical questions as he bled out such as, "Who is worthless now?" Or "Do you still feel invincible?" Watching the life escape from his stupid face would bring me a lot of joy.

People don't understand that the only real reason we don't kill each other consistently every day is that we A. Have a lot to lose, B. Don't want them to do the same to us in any form. It has very little to do with morality and everything to do with selfishness. Selfishness, because a person doesn't want someone else to hurt them, especially for poor reasons. Follow this logic, if someone is attacking you immediately your first thought is, "Please don't hurt me!" "Why shouldn't I hurt you?" "Because I didn't do anything to deserve this." Let's look at the other side of this, let's say someone does hurt you emotionally for very poor reasons and the person they hurt becomes enraged they have two very basic options. Option A: Resist hurting them back and Option B: Hurt them. What forces someone to pick Option A most of the time? They pick Option A generally speaking because they have a family at home they would like to continue to see every day and they don't want to go to jail. People will pick Option B if they were pushed too far or if they don't have a family, or they don't have a family they care to go back to, they have no self worth, or they don't just don't give a shit about anything anymore. Killing people is a lot easier if you don't fear the consequences.

Therefore just like there is no such thing as freedom of speech and only tolerated speech - murdering people is something we as a society don't like, but there is jack shit preventing people from doing it. There is a cost associated with it and that is all. You pay 25+ years of your life to kill someone. If you ain't got shit to lose, then 25+ years is a bargain.

Now the point of me covering all of this logical information is simple: People need to watch what they say to others and they need to stop pretending to be invincible. One day, you just might find the wrong person to fuck with and they might have reached their Witt's end already, you fuck with them and you will reap what you just sowed in the form of the cost of your life. So my ultimate message here I guess is, mutual respect. Do unto others as you would have them do to yourself.

Be very happy I am not in charge of this country of ours. If I was, things would work very well, but there would be a lot of dead people.

The Hand That Feeds

So I had a long chat with my boss, a clearing of the air if you will and it pretty much was pointless. He is a very cold and calculating person. I now officially hate him. There is definitely room for him to make it up, but he isn't going to change and I am not going to change because I am not the nasty one here he is.

He essentially just hard core embarrassed and made fun of me in front of the whole office again for very poor reasons. He is a very bad manager, he should not be in charge of anyone it is just a bad idea all around. Anyone who follows this blog (no one does) would know I hated my last boss too. Well update on that is, he was reprimanded 7 months after I left the job and a few months later someone else quit too. The hit for losing two very good seasoned programmers cost him one of his projects (the one I was on) stripped from his command because he proved to be an incompetent ass.

The problem this time is my boss is not an incompetent ass, he is very competent, the problem is that he has no people skills. He is very rude and hurtful with his explanations - if that's what you want to call it. His English sucks, so imagine an immigrant speaking a language you don't understand, trying to explain to you very important concepts and instructions in incomplete sentences and just over all broken English. Then when you don't understand him or worse you misunderstood what he had to say, he then has no problem belittling you in front of others. It is very uncomfortable and emotionally draining.

Simply put, I didn't really like my job already, but now I hate my job.

So after giving it a good while to think about it, I will probably have to quit next year after I get all of my vacation and other things out of the way. I am not screwing up my current plans in order to find a new job right now because this spoiled rich asshole is fearless of sending people to hell. Fucking dick weed mother fucker. My biggest problem right now is not sending my boss to hell, I have been mouthing off too much because he is forcing me into a corner and I refuse to not stand up for myself. I've made that mistake before and I am not going to make it again. Playing nice with assholes gets you no respect and gives them license to walk all over you. There is a way to push the envelope without screwing yourself over completely.

I am not willing to let him walk all over me, so I am going to have to stop any personal friendly interaction with him and from this point forward it is purely work related only. I am not going to bother with more than a, "hello" or "good bye". He needs to know that the only thing I am going to do for him from now on is work and it is going to be strict hours from now on. Bad employers who want to rule you by fear are some of the worst kind, it is too bad there aren't laws protecting employees from verbal harassment.

Back to the Prison Cell

I have gone back to work. I don't want to be here in comparison to working from home which was way more enjoyable. I wouldn't care as much if I knew for a fact that everything was okay, but apparently, not so much. I haven't had to talk to my boss yet again about anything, so I am not sure what to think right now. All I know is I am back in a place that I am not sure that I want to be in anymore because I hate feeling panicked or feeling anxious.

My anxiety is down today, but it is definitely going to spike unless I get some real hearty work done today. I have decided not to stay at work anymore past 6:00/6:30 the latest. I refuse to screw up my nights anymmore during the week especially for an asshole who thinks it is okay to be bipolar at his convenience. I have learned that it is not worth working anywhere if you are going to work in fear of losing your job because you are going to send your boss to hell once day. The last time I felt like this I was feeling so sick every day I had to drag myself out of bed to go to work.

Working here sometimes feel like cold abrasive concrete. Unpleasant to the touch, very hard, cold and it can hurt you a lot if you rub it the wrong way. Not sure if I like knowing that. Anyhow... I am going to do my best to not let this get me too down because I don't think the appropriate response for me is to quit every time my boss is a dick. I suppose he was having a bad day, I need to talk to him and tell him not to do that again regardless of the outcome or repercussions of doing so. Plain and simple, it is not okay.

The Walls Have Ears and the Assholes Have Loud Voices

So apparently while my boss was chewing me out yesterday over the phone, he was doing so in a loud tone that everyone had to listen to in my office. Fun times. I got into the office today and everyone had a comment about it. They all heard it and said he was quite upset. They all backed it up with, "That's how he is." Right and if that is how I was with other people, I would have been fired long ago. He can be that way because he is rich and half owner. He doesn't give two shits about how he makes people feel or how it comes off. I don't like that at all.

Undue Stress

I knew it was only about a matter of time before I started to dislike my new boss. I always knew my boss was a big dick, but I didn't have to really experience his bullshit until recently where I have been taking instruction directly from him. My boss's first language was not English and therefore his assignment/project explanations are the worst I have ever received. He doesn't know how to express himself in English words and his thought process is a complete fucking mess. He wouldn't be able to explain himself out of a paper fucking bag or to save his life. When he can't explain things to people properly, or they don't understand it, he gets excited, not the good kind, the bad upset kind of excited. It is very taxing as the person listening to him attempt to explain what he has locked away in his fucking brain what it is that he wants.

He is also making a big mistake that a lot of people make where he assumes I understand the business completely. It is ridiculous for him to do that, but he just like many others, just throw their arms up the in the air and pretend that I should just know it already. Yes, because I automatically understand that there is no series for pricing when it comes to a mortgage product. If you are scratching you head in confusion, then good because NO ONE would fucking know that unless they studied it and work with it every day! He assumed I knew this bullshit detail. Yes - because a fucking software developer automatically understands financial products, because we all took business classes and had a year or more experience trading stock.

I think it is very rude and inconsiderate for these business types to do that. This is the second fucking place where I have worked where the management likes to assume you know the business already. It is not fair and it is stupid. Unfortunately there is jack shit I can do about it here. The next level up is the CEO to complain to and I will not do that because my boss is the other owner of the company. I strongly think, not joking, that my boss needs to take English and Verbal Communications classes - because he is a shitty communicator. It just makes everyone upset for no fucking reason. He is the one that is flipping out and frankly I don't think there is any reason for it. This is his project, he doesn't answer to anyone, and he is telling me that this needs to be finished soon which is horseshit because it didn't exist prior to this. So NO it doesn't need to be finished soon since this is in house software and he answers to no one but himself!

He has completely demotivated me for today because of the way he spoke to me. I need to watch myself because I might get in trouble or fired for fighting back. He really made me feel worthless the way he was speaking to me. I am having some high anxiety right now, which is why I am not working right now and writing this post instead. I gain complete mental block when things like this happen and now I fear going into a depressive state again because of this event. Which of course I don't want to happen.

I hate to say this, but if I need to, I will quit again. I've learned life is too short to go work for someone who is a complete prick asshole every day if it is going to make you miserable and anxious all of the time. I hate it when this happens to me, I am quite upset and anxious right now - I feel the depression coming on and I am sort of freaking out about it. I am getting to the point where the only way out I see is working for myself, I am not sure how to do that yet, but I am working on it. I wouldn't mind going back to my old company, but I am not sure if I should yet. I want to, but again not sure if it is a good idea.

The Todo List

I wish I didn't have a never ending todo list. I mean some of the stuff I want to do and other stuff I don't want to do. I am sure everyone feels that way, but I don't like how my list doesn't seem to shrink. I would really like everything to back off at one point in my life so I can just sit down and enjoy myself quietly.

Well that isn't going to happen anytime soon. So in the mean time here is a review of a few things. I need to get this app out, then I want to work on a hardware project (breifly, not going to pan out), I have a joint programming venture and then a book. I seriously want to work on a book that I have been wanting to work on for ages. I don't think anyone would buy it, but fuck it.

There are two books really. One is about the truths we as people ignore and the other is a dieting guide. I feel that these books may not do well, but it is something I very much want to do.

For now I am going to take a small break.

The Romney Robot and the Rest of his Brainless Followers

This is a message specifically targeted at all of you people out there that still think that Romney is a viable candidate.

First off, if you think he is still a viable candidate ask yourself why. If you find yourself coming up with banner ads or snazy one liners that have no real meaning, then I think you must dig a little deeper. You should probably give yourself a little more credit, because no one can be this stupid unless you are from the South Middle of the US where you are so fucking poor, you will agree with anyone who says they want you to be rich, jesus, guns and 9/11.

Need a visual, here is one:



I am not proud to be associated with people like this. It is embarrassing to live in the same country as asshats  like the ones depicted in the video above. These people are so stupid they are probably mostly borderline retarded and I mean that in the literal sense. They are not mentally well, especially the idiots who contradict themselves like Ayn Rand did in her later years of life.

This image is from Wikipedia

If you are not familiar with it, Ayn Rand said that people shouldn't be on welfare... well she ended up on welfare. Surprise surprise - a Republican contradicting them self? That never happens right? One of the idiots in the video above does exactly that, he is collecting government aid, but damns it at the same time?! HOW, HOW DO YOU DO THAT? It is a fucking contradiction and these people are what is wrong with America, not gays, lesbians and people of color - the problem with America are these mother fuckers who want to pretend to be red blooded Americans who stand for all of our liberties while trampling on everyone else's rights!

These people are not from the United States of America, they are from the Individual States of Murica. They don't respect anyone who does not think like them and they can't even follow basic laws or logic because they are just so stupid, uneducated and borderline retarded due to inbreeding. Fuck the South. I can't believe that we are still one of the only countries in the world with such a pathetic social system and infrastructure. We don't have proper health care because the companies running the show don't want to let go and lose profits and they make sure nothing changes because they have their dicks up the asses of all the morons in congress. I think it is disgusting. I am so fucking sick and tired of listening to people on Fox News or Right Wing(nut) Radio slandering (mostly) good people. The pure amount of lies that they spew like vomit and the fucking idiots that consume it through their eyes and ears who don't stop for just a moment to think to themselves "Are they over doing it?" or "Hey that doesn't sound right?".

I respect having a difference in opinion, but not from low life ignoramuses who can't even spell their own fucking names correctly without having to look at the fucking tag on their shirt. I don't respect people who want to shove their religion dick in my face and put it in our supposedly neutral (separation of church and state my ass) religion country. I don't respect people who think that it is okay not to look ahead and possibly expect the fucking factory or farm they have been working on/at for generations to eventually close. These ideologies are flawed! The worst part of it all is that most of it is preventable by looking into the future, setting god aside, and using YOUR FUCKING BRAIN to think 17 steps ahead like a chess player!

So this brings me to my final point. Take a good look at Romney, listen to what has to say about the people who don't make big bucks like he does. This man is incredibly detached from all reality, it is sickening. He has written off the poor, uneducated, possibly mentally retarded idiots and admits to it in the following video.

That 47% (which is really 49% now) that he is talking about DO pay taxes, they just don't pay taxes at the end of the year because they are ALREADY PISS FUCKING BROKE! Two-Thirds of that 47% are people who pay their fucking payroll taxes! Payroll taxes consist of the following taxes:

• State Tax - Not applicable in all places like Florida
• Federal Tax - If you are working - you pay this
• Medicare Tax - You pay this even if you aren't on Medicare
• Social Security Tax - You pay this even if you aren't on Social Security

The remaining 1/3rd of that 47% don't pay taxes because they are FUCKING RETIRED! You don't pay taxes if you are not working, but believe it or not, even if you are retired, you are still required to file for taxes if you are living off of a pension plan or even collecting social security. So FUCK MITT ROMNEY. He is a goddamn robot who only knows how to live on his inheritance. He probably isn't even that great of a fucking manager or businessman because someone who starts with money had nothing to lose to begin with.

So if you believe you aren't a fucking uneducated retard like the ones mentioned above, you need to reconsider your vote. Voting for Romney only makes rich bigoted people more rich, that's all. It keeps poor people poor and makes them considerably poorer in most cases. Fuck Romney and fuck all of those assholes at his 50K/plate dinner in this video except for the guy who caught him spouting bile on his camera phone. This little circle jerk fund raiser took place in Boca in Florida. Boca for those of you who don't know is where a lot of VERY rich assholes live. They have no interest in helping people, they probably only live in Florida to begin with because there is no State tax or they are a fucking Cuban American and you know how I feel about that already. Most Cuban Americans are born retarded, not mentally, just socially because their parents who most likely came directly from Cuba made a big mistake in spoiling them stupid.

I am sorry that Bush handed America over to Barack Obama in such shit shape.
I am sorry that Republicans in congress REFUSE to work with Democrats and Barack Obama.
However, Barack Obama is clearly trying to help this country and it isn't a coincidence that the guy that is trying to help everyone happens to be a Democrat. Democrats have historically wanted to help EVERYONE regardless of their sex, sexual preference, skin color, religions, creed or political persuasion. You don't see that with the Republicans, all you get is hatred, bigotry and selfishness!

In order for this country to move past its fucking preventable standstill - either we need a goddamn civil war to kill each other in or there needs to be a benevolent dictatorship. I can't say I don't think that either one of those is a good idea as long as it is stupid people dying (most republicans) and the benevolent dictator is me. I say lets close shop and fix this country so we can stop being the goddamn laughing stock of the world who uses a shadow government controlled by companies to control the world.

I hate Republicans.

More Anger

I am a little deflated today. Nothing better than your own mother saying mean or stupid shit to you to get you in a poor mood. I am not going into the specifics of it, but my mother sure likes to start shit when she really has no reason to. It is very disrespectful, but hell parents don't seem to care if they offend their adult children. I mean it only builds resentment and hairline triggers right?

Anyhow... lots of wedding stuff going on, almost at the finish line too. I'm glad things have finally been set into motion and it is all jiving and moving along. I can see this year almost being finished and over with. I will be going on an excellent vacation too at the end of the year after the wedding. Everything, naturally, costs money. I don't even want to begin to think about how much I have spent already - it is sickening. I don't recommend doing any of this unless you have at least 20K to pull out of your ass and then more for things you didn't expect. Plain and simple this shit is expensive. Remember, it is only for one day, for the same stupid price you can get a down payment on a house easily - so weigh your options.

I would have liked to have paid off one of my student loans by now, especially since all this money that just seems to be flowing from my anus is flowing so freely and unnaturally. So like I said... I will be happy as soon as this year is through and over with.

On to other news. I am still working on getting my app published, it is taking effort, a lot of extra effort... Omg publishing an app is no small feat... like people make it sound easy, it is anything but. Next project is going to be a hardware project. The project after that another software project, then after that a book project I have DYING to work on. I think I can make all of these things happen, they will happen, but slowly and in order. Meanwhile I will be working on paying down my loans, slowly, but I will pay those fucking things down and I am determined to get them out of my fucking life in the next 2 years. I want to be student debt free by December 2014. I am not.. well you will be hearing about it, because I will bitch all the way there.

The only exception to my deadline is I need permanent residence right now badly. I hate my stupid Landlord, the stupid heifer is completely irresponsible and does not deserve this property we are renting from her. I hate irresponsible home owners, it is one thing to be conned, it is another thing to just be a jack ass who doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, but thinks they can have their cake and eat it too. Stupid bitch won't willingly pay for her fucking property's repairs! We have to beg, all I get back is, "Oh I can't pay for this." well fuck you, no one told you to buy something you can't afford you dumb bitch. So we are going to see if we can buy it from her, but I am not holding my breath, she is very very stubborn.

Movement

Things are progressing nicely right now, which tends to add to my anxiety. I figured out a long time ago that saying 50% of the time things go well and the other 50% they don't is a huge misconception. What it comes down to is that when nothing is upsetting me for a long time, it is inevitable that something over a long expanse of time will find its way to upset me. It is logical. So it isn't half and half, it is more like normalcy and then an upsetting event that deregulates my normalcy. The best comparison is making waves in a pond that was nice and still for a long time. It doesn't make sense to say that - that pond was still 50% of the time and turbulent the other 50% of the time. Being still is the norm or baseline.

That is why I am quite sure I have dysthymia, my baseline for happiness sucks. I am never actually happy about anything, I am just undisturbed, like a pond that is still. Then when a traumatic event happens in my life that I don't see coming or I don't know how to deal with, it puts me in a deep deep depression that I can be in for an indeterminate amount of time. Like the size of the rock thrown into the pond causes the number and size of ripples in the surface of the once still baseline pond.

I am semi happy to state that pseudoephedrine doesn't only work as a decongestant, it works as an anti-depressant and it works very well. The only problem with it is it releases all of the feel good chemicals in your brain all at once, which leads to a crash. You feel great for a few days then, it wears off and you are out of feel good chemicals. It takes a while for your body to replenish them. I use pseudoephedrine for decongestion, so this is an unintended benefit.

Social Anxiety

I think I have social anxiety, I don't want to say that I have the disorder, but I am very reluctant to go into big crowds. I hate being stared at upon entering a room, it bothers me...a lot. I cave under potentially embarassing situations, so I hide to avoid them. It is the same reason I can't sit and watch Ben Stiller movies or The Office because they aren't funny to me, they just make me immensely uncomfortable. Unless I know I can safely be around well known people, I am very anxious and uncomfortable.

I am at a kid's party right now... I hate small children. I don't like dealing with people asking me constantly "So when will you have kids?" Or "So you're next huh?" Sigh... I don't want kids, I am afraid to have any. I am afraid of their potential cost and honestly them coming out fucked up. Retarded or otherwise, low functioning worthless mostly brain dead leeches. I wouldn't be able to live like that.