What's wrong? You look unhappy.

I hate being asked that question because people don't know what they are getting I to or asking. They are giving unwanted advice and they are trying to make themselves more comfortable by trying to make you solve your problem so that they don't have to see you sad because ultimately it makes them sad. So in efforts to stop themselves from feeling sad they want you to stop being sad.

I hate this question because people rarely actually care why. They just want you to shape up. When you start to explain it to them and then they get the dreaded feeling of "Oh god why did I ask" then it becomes insulting. Since your problem is not simple to solve you are essentially dismissed. Like, "Woah... Okay, I had enough; sorry I asked, please go away now"

Then there are the fuckers who ask, get the answer, then are upset when you don't cheer up and tell you that you just need to snap out of it and be happier. I hate those people so much because they really have no clue what they are talking about. What is most offensive is that they have the audacity to be annoyed with you in the first place. Like since you look unhappy they are upset that you look unhappy and therefore they are tired of seeing you that way so you must change for their benefit. That's where I draw the line.

So yeah... When people ask, I usually don't tell them anything and I deflect them. I can't explain in five minutes my problems to you.

Sheep and other livestock

Why the fuck do people care about Miley Cyrus? Why does it matter what she does? Why do people pay attention to the shocking things she is doing? Is it really that shocking anyhow? Are people really that stupid to pay attention?

I guess so... Makes me sad. I have several favorite artists they don't do any of what these stupid pop culture icons do. Trent Reznor doesn't ride a wrecking ball and stick his tongue out. Then again I wasn't paying attention when he was at his peak or prime.

However these other people that pine over these stupid ass celebrities who make shit up to get the spotlight... Those people I don't understand and they partially sicken me for giving so much mind to something so unimportant.

News flash: whether you believe me or not - most of it is fake. Most of it is staged. Staged so that these stupid ass celebrities will gain recognition for appearing to be outrageous and original to stay relevant on peoples lips and tongues.

"Oh yeah how do you know?" Well if I said I knew people I. The entertainment industry that have worked with these celebrities directly would you believe me? It's true whether you believe me or not. These people tell me about conversations they have had with people like Kesha. I have heard so many stories about behind the scenes from people in the know about big television events.

So all of the crap that sheeple pine over is mostly fake. Just like wrestling.

Go read a fucking book. Create something. Amuse yourself by day dreaming. Stop being so reliant on the idiot box and the idiots on the idiot box for entertainment.

Banter

I am currently very depressed. I am pretty sure it is because of money - I don't know how to stop thinking about it. I have gotten a little better. I keep reminding myself that in the future I should be good to go with paying down my loans and what not - I just need to be patient. I need to stop dwelling on it and it might be over sooner than I think.

Still it is fun to think about winning the lottery or getting a significant bonus or raise. If I could just have about 100K lump sum after taxes I would be pretty good right now.

I would pay off my debts of 13K, 14K and 14K, then I would fix up my house. Currently I need to fix my fascia board, then get gutters installed. Then I need to get concrete poured in my front yard where my patio is. The fucking idiot we bought from fucked up his ingenious installation. He laid engineered wood on top of wooden posts directly on the ground. The amount of rot that is happening is disgusting. I pulled up 1 board to take a look and there were big yellow parasols mushrooms growing underneath.

So that's gotta go.

The good news is that I have been able to focus more on software as of late. I made the decision to stop working on my house when I don't really have the money to do so.

This month has been tough. I really need to sit down and just work out that client software so I can get paid. I want more money, every Penney counts. Need to harass the sellers to pay me what they owe me.

Psuedophedrine

I have been off of psuedophedrine now for several months (I think?) and I have been pretty depressed on and off. I finally realized that in order for me to get projects done I need to buckle down as soon as I get home. I play a game for about an hour or two then I go to town on coding.

I have been really depressed as of late and it is all due to money. Money has got me down. Down with house repairs, down with bills, down with a lot of things money related.

I have been thinking about it carefully and I am going to have to just suck it up and get my shit paid off when I can. I need to not spend money. I am in panic mode so that shouldn't be a problem. I hate being in panic mode, but I am panicked.

Things of worry:
13K loan
14K loan
14K lease (buy out amount)
------------------
All add up to 500+ dollars per month in bills

I am only accumulating about a grand per month in savings which fucking blows. My living costs are going up significantly due to Obamacare.

I need to offload my loans somehow to get back some of that monthly...

In the Shit

Wife got laid off and now it is the dreaded fear of not being able to make ends meet. This is one of those hope for the best situations. It could all go out of control, but we will see. I am not going to be happy about losing more money, but fuck it - we have to do what we have to do. She is going to do her thing and hopefully it will go well.

I am just in fear of moving backwards again. I really really want to pay off my fucking loans, tired of not being able to take advantage of my full income. I feel like it is all being ceased. Same with my car loan - need to buy out my car Goddamnit. I don't regret getting into my car lease, but again tired of paying for it.

I wouldn't care as much if I didn't have my student loans.

Dealing with $500 of loss every month. Like fuck me man.

I will be happy to be done with it when I get there. Something's gotta give here.

I feel like crawling under a rock and not coming out again until it all goes away. I am sure I would die first.

Writing on the wall

Sometimes people don't see the writing on the wall and I have no clue how. It is interesting because I think most of the time it is because people are ignoring the the writing willfully. I think they want to stay ignorant because the whole ostrich syndrome or ignorance is bliss bullshit. Well I have ignored it before and each time I ignore it I regret it.

I ignored it when I got laid off the first time because I didn't want to believe I was going to get laid off, but I sure did. We were told "No more layoffs" then 2 weeks later I got laid off because I was to be hired. What am I needed for I was too new. So naturally it makes sense for me to be laid off. That's what I mean by the writing is on the wall, it's fucking obvious.

People need to wake up and start being real. Optimists don't get anywhere in life in my opinion. If you are always hoping and wishing for the best then you probably aren't going anywhere fast. I hate being called negative, I am a realist. I believe in practicality. I don't believe in hoping for things to happen I make them fucking happen. That's why I am employed and I make good money. That's why I have raised my salary 100% since 2008. I don't think many people can say that. You need to take charge, things don't get done on their own.

So if you have a gut feeling about something then you should probably pay the fuck attention. Your gut is talking to you.

Homeownership for others

I have said it before and I will say it again. If you do not know what it takes to be a homeowner and you are not open to problems then you should not be a homeowner.

One of my friends just bought a house. I think he fucked up in his choice of house, but meh... Not my problem. I got 99 problems and his aren't any of them. He bought expensive, he is assuming too much about his future wages, he has a car bill, student loans and other shit I am sure. Now he is stressing about making changes to his house. Example 1 his bathroom was not water proofed. That in itself is a big fucking deal. He has other problems, but none compare to this. Luckily his pops is going to replace his staircase for him. Not everyone's pops will drop 10K on the spot like that so he is lucky.

I am giving it time, and I hope he understands the gravity of the situation, but I do think he will turn around. He has surprised me before and I am sure he will surprise me again.

Homeownership is not for the weak willed, weak stomached or the optimist. It is for people who can deal with a challenge and love fixing a problem. It is for skeptics and realists. Being realistic about a home situation is very important. If you think you need to replace something it is because you probably have to.

Homeownership is not for people who will bury their heads in the ground to avoid a problem. It is not for people who think "It's probably not that bad"

I always assume the worst and I hope for the best so I can be pleasantly surprised when it does work out and not surprised when it is bad or worse.

Optimists suck

Money Money Money

I am so fucked this month it isn't even funny. All the shit I have to pay for is piling up. I need to start doing side work for people again so I can get some booster checks.

I might be promoted at my job soon. I am not holding my breath but two people have told me about it already so there is a 95% chance I will be getting a promotion that I really hope comes with a raise. The raise that I need to cover the cost of living that I am dealing with.

I am going to get hosed for so much more next month and it makes me sad. It feels bleak. My fucking insurance is going up to $112 per month which is highway robbery for the quality of insurance that I am getting. It is laughably poor coverage. Not as poor as my wife's Obamacare coverage which is probably the shittiest plan I have ever seen. High deductible bullshit for 140 a month or whatever it is. Whoopty fucking doo. That is bad health insurance. Piss poor coverage with a deductible of 5 or 6K which is very high for a 140/month plan.

I am also paying for dental... Sigh... I will probably opt out next year if I keep up with my maintenance. That's 60/month. Covering my wife and I. She offered to pay me which I am taking but wish I didn't have to do.

Then there is a 401K which i will not take advantage of again because I am fucking poor. Too many goddamn bills.

When I drop my car payments and my loan payments I will have 500+ dollars back in my pocket every month. I will then get a 401K and invest in my retirement.

I will help pay my wife's student loans down. Then I will pay down the house.

Day in day out bullshit

I am tired of not having enough money to take care of the problems that follow me around. It is always one thing after another. Had to get my teeth looked at, that's always fun. Turns out that I needed a deep cleaning and that I have gum disease. The funny part is that sounds worse than it is. Gum disease isn't a big deal, it is an easy problem to solve. The people who need to worry are the people who don't treat it. That's when you risk losing teeth. I am not that bad, I just have a few 5mm pockets that I am working on fixing.

The shitty part is paying for it. I just paid 250 dollars for just one side of the cleaning. The other half is just as bad I think and I have one cavity. So I am going to be well over 500 dollars this month on dental alone. Yay.

Then I have my car maintenance and the remainder of another job that I had to pay off. So I am in the hole about 1400 this month already. Last month was bad enough. I need to restrict spending to as close to zero as possible this month.

It will take an entire year to save up to pay off one student loan. It is killing me. I want to get rid if this shit so badly. I am going to purchase my car too because I don't want car payments anymore. I want my fucking money back.

After all of that is done I will then pay into a 401K. I hate 401Ks I think they are awful and a losing strategy.